If you really want to have some fun - Slap a Clown. Go Ahead...it will make you feel better.
Or, if you are one of those wierdos that actually likes clowns - you can slap a mime...No one likes mimes!
Just a little stress relief for a Friday.
1/29/2004
LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH
The title of this entry is an actual headline from a newspaper. It references a study that required human brains for an Alzheimers study, but they couldn't find enough deceased brains to work with...
So just to highlight a few more ambiguous newspaper headlines I decided to list a few here:
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
So just to highlight a few more ambiguous newspaper headlines I decided to list a few here:
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
1/27/2004
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Need to go real bad but your stuck in your truck miles from the nearest rest stop? Here is what ingenuity in the backwoods will get you. This "invention" probably wouldn't work well in the city; although admittedly I have seen some worse stuff in NYC.
Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper
Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper
1/22/2004
Today's Quotes
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. "
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. "
1/21/2004
Palindromes (Semordnilap?)
Palindromes are word phrases that can be read the same way forward and backwards. I always found it wrong that the word 'Palindrome' doesn't read the same way forward and backwards. I think it should put its money where its mouth is...From now on let's call palindromes Sposasops
Here are some examples of palindromes -er, I mean- Sposasops:
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Don't nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast, safe car: a Toyota
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned
As you can see, I was bored today. Know any others?
Here are some examples of palindromes -er, I mean- Sposasops:
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Don't nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast, safe car: a Toyota
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned
As you can see, I was bored today. Know any others?
1/20/2004
Dilbert's Theory on Salary
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make. Thus, executives and sales people make more money than the engineers and scientists.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make. Thus, executives and sales people make more money than the engineers and scientists.
1/19/2004
More Stupid Criminal Antics
The Orlando Sentinel Reports:
"Several days after getting out of jail, where he had served time for drunk driving and other charges, Ronald A. Mahner stopped at the Seminole County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office to pick up his personal belongings. He provided his driver's license as identification. A clerk checked him in the computer and found the license had been revoked for life. She sent a co-worker to get the license number on the car he was driving. The car, which Mahner had parked in a fire lane, was reported stolen the day Mahner got out of jail. He was arrested as he tried to get back in the car. "
"Several days after getting out of jail, where he had served time for drunk driving and other charges, Ronald A. Mahner stopped at the Seminole County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office to pick up his personal belongings. He provided his driver's license as identification. A clerk checked him in the computer and found the license had been revoked for life. She sent a co-worker to get the license number on the car he was driving. The car, which Mahner had parked in a fire lane, was reported stolen the day Mahner got out of jail. He was arrested as he tried to get back in the car. "
1/16/2004
Shopping for Dictators
If you need artillery, ammunition or something like that visit the Home Despot web site.
1/15/2004
Top 10 Signs You Might be a Sys Admin...
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea that it refers to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house to render obscene pictures of upper management staff.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. You have a vanity plate on your car that is a Unix system command.
2. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house to render obscene pictures of upper management staff.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. You have a vanity plate on your car that is a Unix system command.
2. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
1/12/2004
Hollywood Stars Get Out of Jury Duty! [Our Justice System Needs a Fixin']
Rant Alert!
A recent story stated that two of the potential jurors for the Robert Blake trial were comedian Harry Shearer and actress Christina Applegate. Shearer was able to get out of jury duty because he was under contract to do voices for the Simpsons. Applegate is now looking to use a similar excuse.
Pardon me - but I work under contract with my clients too! Why the hell should these bast@rds get off!? I know that my excuse would not fly. I may not have the most important job in the world, but really, doing voices for a F-ing cartoon is too important to help with the justice system in America!! Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Simpsons and Shearer, and no one wants to be selected for a jury on a trial that is expected to go 6 months. But the fact that this was even allowed as an excuse really shows where the priorities are in this country.
[More ranting on the justice system to follow in future installments...I'll bet you just can't wait]
A recent story stated that two of the potential jurors for the Robert Blake trial were comedian Harry Shearer and actress Christina Applegate. Shearer was able to get out of jury duty because he was under contract to do voices for the Simpsons. Applegate is now looking to use a similar excuse.
Pardon me - but I work under contract with my clients too! Why the hell should these bast@rds get off!? I know that my excuse would not fly. I may not have the most important job in the world, but really, doing voices for a F-ing cartoon is too important to help with the justice system in America!! Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Simpsons and Shearer, and no one wants to be selected for a jury on a trial that is expected to go 6 months. But the fact that this was even allowed as an excuse really shows where the priorities are in this country.
[More ranting on the justice system to follow in future installments...I'll bet you just can't wait]
Naked karaoke put on hold in Berlin
I'll bet this Karaoke contest would have been a hit if the owner moved it to Sweden. Maybe we will see a new version of Americal Idol this season?! It would give Simon something to stare at while he is thinking of insults...unless it's a woman of course.
Naked Justice
Women inmates in Ecuador stripped naked and went onto the roof to protest that they have been held too long without trial. Protester Martha Sanchez said the group had decided to stage the demonstration "so that the authorities see to what point we will go."
So let me see -- If they don't give them a trial soon, they will strip naked and go up on the roof until reporters show up again and put them on TV. I wouldn't expect these ladies to be going anywhere soon :-))
So let me see -- If they don't give them a trial soon, they will strip naked and go up on the roof until reporters show up again and put them on TV. I wouldn't expect these ladies to be going anywhere soon :-))
Don't Try This at Home
Unless you are a total moron (like this guy).
Did you know that aluminum is an even better conductor of electricity than copper wire? This guy will learn that in about 2 seconds....
Did you know that aluminum is an even better conductor of electricity than copper wire? This guy will learn that in about 2 seconds....
Stupid Fugitive Tricks
Maybe another reason why men don't ask for directions... Either way it's funny to see how dumb some people can be...
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/weird_news/7637394.htm
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/weird_news/7637394.htm
1/09/2004
Stupid Bail Tricks
Here is a story about a guy who tries to post bail with counterfeit money. Say it with me now...DUH!
http://newsobserver.com/24hour/nation/story/1105361p-7731836c.html
http://newsobserver.com/24hour/nation/story/1105361p-7731836c.html
1/07/2004
Don't be Lazy - Go to Where the Food is...
I have been on travel and was too tired to drive anywhere to eat, so I just went to the restaurant next door to the hotel: Bob Evans. Has anyone ever eaten at this place? It is a chain supposedly. It is kind of like a watered-down Friendly's or something. Anyway, it was probably the worst dinner I've ever eaten...at least since college. The waitresses were all frowning, and there were quite a few strange looking folks in there! Oh, and they used Thousand Island dressing as Alfredo sauce! (I'm not kidding.) Anyway - consider yourself warned.
1/02/2004
Good New Year's Party Tips (a little late)
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.
(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)
Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.
The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.
(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)
Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.
The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you.
IT vs Business Mgt ("joke")
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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