In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7/30/2004
7/29/2004
Coach questions call, shot to death on field by referee
The ultimate penalty
Coach questions call, shot to death on field by referee
Posted: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:15PM; Updated: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:27PM
JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) -- A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday.
Inspector Mali Govender of the Grahamstown police in the Eastern Cape province said a fight broke out after the referee gave a yellow warning card to a player in a local match on Saturday.
"There was an altercation...and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team."
Coach questions call, shot to death on field by referee
Posted: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:15PM; Updated: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:27PM
JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) -- A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday.
Inspector Mali Govender of the Grahamstown police in the Eastern Cape province said a fight broke out after the referee gave a yellow warning card to a player in a local match on Saturday.
"There was an altercation...and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team."
7/22/2004
Bigger Breasts for Free!
NEW YORK (Reuters) - The U.S. Army has long lured recruitswith the slogan "Be All You Can Be," but now soldiers and theirfamilies can receive plastic surgery, including breast enlargements, on the taxpayers' dime.
The New Yorker magazine reports in its July 26th editionthat members of all four branches of the U.S. military can getface-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs forfree -- something the military says helps surgeons practicetheir skills.
"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr. Bob Lyons,chief of plastic surgery at Brooke Army Medical Center in SanAntonio told the magazine, which said soldiers needed theapproval of their commanding officers to get the time off.
7/21/2004
Worst Jobs in Science
Yes, these are REAL jobs! You can read about them here in Popular Science magazine:
And the "winners" are:
And the "winners" are:
- FLATUS ODOR JUDGE
- DYSENTERY STOOL-SAMPLE ANALYZER
- BARNYARD MASTURBATOR
- BRAZIL MOSQUITO RESEARCHER (they bite you)
- HOT-ZONE SUPERINTENDENT (Ebola/Anthrax, etc.)
- ISOLATION CHAMBER TESTER (record = 91-days)
- FISTULA FEEDER (stick your hand inside a live cows stomach!)
- PRISON RAPE RESEARCHER
- CARCASS CLEANER
- POSTDOC
- METRIC SYSTEM ADVOCATE
- CORPSE-FLOWER GROWER
- ENDANGERED SPECIES ECOLOGIST
- ASTRONAUT
- FISH COUNTER
- U.S. STEM CELL RESEARCHER
- PLANETARY PROTECTION OFFICER
- FUSION RESEARCHER
7/20/2004
You Might be a Blue Neck (??)
What the F_K is a Blue Neck? Here is an excerpt from lilligren.com, plus some of my own entries -
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at us Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves;)
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECKIF...
...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
...You've never had an RC Cola.
...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
...You have no idea what a polecat is.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
... You have never been hep'd.
...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
..You call binoculars opera glasses.
...You can't spit without opening your mouth.
...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
...None of your fur coats are homemade.
...Your grandmother never won a "see who can pee the farthest" contest
...
7/19/2004
Useful Metric Conversions
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
½ lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
½ lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa
How to Become Really Smart
If we learn from our mistakes, then it seems to follow that to be really intelligent you should make as many mistakes as possible....(I am a certified genius)...
7/15/2004
Why this country needs an overhaul - Reason #1
#1 - Jail is too "soft" [F.U. ACLU]
I hate hearing about prinsoners rights and about all the money we spend to maintain our prisons. What's all that about? I'm all for giving them access to educational materials, basic healthcare, and performing work duties, etc. But do they really need to be watching daytime TV and violent movies? You want to make jail an actual punishment, here are some suggestions:
* The food should be nutrionally sound, but taste bad.
* TV and Movie time should be an earned privilage and restricted to certain content
* Content-restricted access to Internet (some inmates are pulling scams over the internet while still in jail!!)
* All inmates are automatically placed on organ donor program
* Make education (of some sort) mandatory for good behavior and parole considerations
* No smoking allowed
Here is a news story to support my point. This is going on in other countries too I realize, but let's start by worrying about the US!
Convicts pick prison over home
July 15, 2004
SOME convicts were pleading to return to prison rather than serve out their sentences at home, claiming life on the outside was too tough, officials said today.
The Corrections Department confirmed 13 inmates on home detention had asked to be locked up in prison after finding they could not cope with their family situation.
Home detention is an alternative to prison granted to convicted criminals regarded as not posing a danger to their family or community. It allows them to live at home and continue work under close scrutiny from prison authorities.
Heather Mackie, the Corrections policy and planning manager, said "a breakdown in accommodation arrangements" was the most common reason given by convicts angling to get back in their cells.
I hate hearing about prinsoners rights and about all the money we spend to maintain our prisons. What's all that about? I'm all for giving them access to educational materials, basic healthcare, and performing work duties, etc. But do they really need to be watching daytime TV and violent movies? You want to make jail an actual punishment, here are some suggestions:
* The food should be nutrionally sound, but taste bad.
* TV and Movie time should be an earned privilage and restricted to certain content
* Content-restricted access to Internet (some inmates are pulling scams over the internet while still in jail!!)
* All inmates are automatically placed on organ donor program
* Make education (of some sort) mandatory for good behavior and parole considerations
* No smoking allowed
Here is a news story to support my point. This is going on in other countries too I realize, but let's start by worrying about the US!
Convicts pick prison over home
July 15, 2004
SOME convicts were pleading to return to prison rather than serve out their sentences at home, claiming life on the outside was too tough, officials said today.
The Corrections Department confirmed 13 inmates on home detention had asked to be locked up in prison after finding they could not cope with their family situation.
Home detention is an alternative to prison granted to convicted criminals regarded as not posing a danger to their family or community. It allows them to live at home and continue work under close scrutiny from prison authorities.
Heather Mackie, the Corrections policy and planning manager, said "a breakdown in accommodation arrangements" was the most common reason given by convicts angling to get back in their cells.
7/14/2004
(Not So) Deep Thoughts...
When people complain about animal testing, is it because they are worried the animals will get nervous and give the wrong answer?
A friend asked me how I thought I wanted to die: I said I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather -- Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
A friend asked me how I thought I wanted to die: I said I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather -- Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
7/13/2004
Miserable Weather -- Here are some Jokes
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
---------------------------
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
YALE GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
-----------------------------
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
--------------------------------------------------
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
----------------------------------------------------
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
---------------------------
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
YALE GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
-----------------------------
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
--------------------------------------------------
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
----------------------------------------------------
7/12/2004
I'm Back (more good quotes)
"You know that look women get when they want sex? ... Me neither." - Drew Carey
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number."
- Steven Wright
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go it's pretty damned good."
- Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- P.J.O'Rourke
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number."
- Steven Wright
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go it's pretty damned good."
- Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- P.J.O'Rourke
7/01/2004
2 Good Quotes
I will be on vacation next week so I probably will not update this blog next week -- not sure. Here are a couple of great quotes to keep in mind while I'm gone:
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
A New York Nuisance
Sharpton To Host Reality TV Show - "I Hate My Job" Premieres This Fall.
Why does anyone even play up to this guy? He's ridiculous! Although I will admit he was pretty good on SNL a while back, so maybe he will be comic relief...But seriously, would you want Sharpton to give you career advice? Would you want him to give advice on how to comb your hair!?
I'd rather see him as a contestant on Survivor, or Fear Factor, or maybe even The Swan.
Why does anyone even play up to this guy? He's ridiculous! Although I will admit he was pretty good on SNL a while back, so maybe he will be comic relief...But seriously, would you want Sharpton to give you career advice? Would you want him to give advice on how to comb your hair!?
I'd rather see him as a contestant on Survivor, or Fear Factor, or maybe even The Swan.
Really Stupid or Really Gutsy??
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- A Daytona Beach man has been sentenced to 60 days in prison for stealing a judge's wallet and going on a shopping spree.
Shawn Mayo, 20, pleaded no contest to a charge of grand theft for the February incident.
Police said Mayo and his girlfriend, Kisha Smith, spent more than $1,000 at Wal-Mart stores on Circuit Judge John Watson's credit card.
The suspect was caught after he put his own signature on the credit-card receipt instead of attempting to sign Watson's name. Police said the wallet was snatched from Watson's chamber.
Investigators said Smith was a cleaning woman at the courthouse at the time of the theft.
Shawn Mayo, 20, pleaded no contest to a charge of grand theft for the February incident.
Police said Mayo and his girlfriend, Kisha Smith, spent more than $1,000 at Wal-Mart stores on Circuit Judge John Watson's credit card.
The suspect was caught after he put his own signature on the credit-card receipt instead of attempting to sign Watson's name. Police said the wallet was snatched from Watson's chamber.
Investigators said Smith was a cleaning woman at the courthouse at the time of the theft.
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