It's been found that research causes cancer in rats.
Swallowing small amounts of saliva over an extended period causes death.
Never fight with an ugly person they have nothing to lose.
The road to success is always under construction.
Time used to fly; now it' afraid of terrorists.
Two wrongs dont make a right; but three lefts do.
7/27/2005
7/25/2005
Joke: Watch where you sit...
After purchasing movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, the woman went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews had started. He stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and started kissing his girlfriend.
Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
7/24/2005
7/20/2005
Star Trek's James Doohan Dies
This guy seemed to have a great life - he had a baby at age 80 (so you know his latest wife is pretty young).... I say farewell Scotty; and we should all be able tell people "I'm giving 'er all I got..."
LOS ANGELES -
James Doohan, the burly chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in the original "Star Trek" TV series and movies who responded to the command "Beam me up, Scotty," died Wednesday. He was 85.
Doohan died at 5:30 a.m. at his Redmond, Wash., home with his wife of 28 years, Wende, at his side, Los Angeles agent and longtime friend Steve Stevens said. The cause of death was pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease, he said. He had said farewell to public life in August 2004, a few months after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
He landed on Juno beach on D-Day and crossed a minefield laid for tanks; the soldiers weren't heavy enough to detonate the bombs. At 11:30 that night, he was machine-gunned, taking six hits: one that took off his middle right finger (he managed to hide the missing finger on screen), four in his leg and one in the chest. Fortunately the chest bullet was stopped by his silver cigarette case.
In a 1998 interview, Doohan was asked if he ever got tired of hearing the line "Beam me up, Scotty."
"I'm not tired of it at all," he replied. "Good gracious, it's been said to me for just about 31 years. It's been said to me at 70 miles an hour across four lanes on the freeway. I hear it from just about everybody. It's been fun."
LOS ANGELES -
James Doohan, the burly chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in the original "Star Trek" TV series and movies who responded to the command "Beam me up, Scotty," died Wednesday. He was 85.
Doohan died at 5:30 a.m. at his Redmond, Wash., home with his wife of 28 years, Wende, at his side, Los Angeles agent and longtime friend Steve Stevens said. The cause of death was pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease, he said. He had said farewell to public life in August 2004, a few months after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
He landed on Juno beach on D-Day and crossed a minefield laid for tanks; the soldiers weren't heavy enough to detonate the bombs. At 11:30 that night, he was machine-gunned, taking six hits: one that took off his middle right finger (he managed to hide the missing finger on screen), four in his leg and one in the chest. Fortunately the chest bullet was stopped by his silver cigarette case.
In a 1998 interview, Doohan was asked if he ever got tired of hearing the line "Beam me up, Scotty."
"I'm not tired of it at all," he replied. "Good gracious, it's been said to me for just about 31 years. It's been said to me at 70 miles an hour across four lanes on the freeway. I hear it from just about everybody. It's been fun."
7/19/2005
Today's Definition
Taxpayers -
Those who don't have to take the civil service test to work for the Government.
Those who don't have to take the civil service test to work for the Government.
7/15/2005
7/14/2005
Keeping it Fresh
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive this weekend - so we took a drive to the gas station. She said that wasn't what she had in mind. Then we realized we were almost out of gas and so instead of buying any (no cash) - we went back home.
But we did spice things up a little; we switched positions.
In other words, she laid on the couch with the remote, and I did the dishes.
But we did spice things up a little; we switched positions.
In other words, she laid on the couch with the remote, and I did the dishes.
7/13/2005
7/12/2005
Do you think kids watch too much TV?
I was showing a picture book to my 4-year old niece the other day. There was a picture of a duck. I asked her 'What does a duck say?'
She said, 'AFLAC!'
She said, 'AFLAC!'
7/11/2005
Seeing the Bright Side
As George Carlin said: "Some say the glass is 1/2 empty, some say its 1/2 full, I say it's too big!" Translation - It's all about lowering your expectations folks, or at least trying real hard to find a bright side.
For example, you might say: "The cost of living is too high!"
I say: "Right now prices are as low as they'll ever be!"
You might say: "I'm dying! I won't last another six hours..."
I say: "Boo hoo, at least you dont have to go to work tomorrow."
You might say: "I went to college and the only job I can get is a circus clown!"
I say: "At least you never have to worry about how your hair looks!"
Remember, everything happens for a reason - even if the reason is to make your life miserable.
Cheers!
For example, you might say: "The cost of living is too high!"
I say: "Right now prices are as low as they'll ever be!"
You might say: "I'm dying! I won't last another six hours..."
I say: "Boo hoo, at least you dont have to go to work tomorrow."
You might say: "I went to college and the only job I can get is a circus clown!"
I say: "At least you never have to worry about how your hair looks!"
Remember, everything happens for a reason - even if the reason is to make your life miserable.
Cheers!
7/10/2005
7/07/2005
Joke: Sometimes it's OK to lose....
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said,
"We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but we know who it was."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said,
"We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but we know who it was."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
Strange Thought #34
It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
7/06/2005
Too Many Bottles of Beer on the Wall
The other day at a party I heard those famous lines being sung by a crowd who apparently drank all 100 beers that used to be on the wall:
"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer -
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall."
Now, maybe it's just me (it usually is) but this practice sounds very unhygenic. I mean take down one beer, sip it and pass it to the next guy? God only knows what I'll catch! I mean, if you went to someone's house and they had a refrigerator full of beer, and they said, let's just take one out at a time and share it before we open the next one - what would you think of that? I'd say 'I'll have an Iced Tea please.' Also, assuming there are 10 people at this hypothetical party, if you take ten bottles of beer down at once and pass those around, the stupid song would be over in no time!
Again - This is all just my opinion, I could be an idiot.
"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer -
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall."
Now, maybe it's just me (it usually is) but this practice sounds very unhygenic. I mean take down one beer, sip it and pass it to the next guy? God only knows what I'll catch! I mean, if you went to someone's house and they had a refrigerator full of beer, and they said, let's just take one out at a time and share it before we open the next one - what would you think of that? I'd say 'I'll have an Iced Tea please.' Also, assuming there are 10 people at this hypothetical party, if you take ten bottles of beer down at once and pass those around, the stupid song would be over in no time!
Again - This is all just my opinion, I could be an idiot.
7/05/2005
7/01/2005
Life Imitates Art - (subtitle: I can't believe he bathed in the toilet!)
NAIROBI (Reuters) - A man who has lived for more than a year at Nairobi's international airport to protest being denied entry to Britain has finally been granted U.K. citizenship and plans to fly there within days.
In a real-life African version of Tom Hanks' 2004 Hollywood hit "The Terminal," Sanjai Shah, 43, has been eating cafeteria food, sleeping on plastic transit lounge chairs, and showering in arrival hall toilets(!) since May of last year.
His morning alarm is the dawn announcement advising the safe landing of the first flight. "It's like a second home here. All the staff know me, they're very friendly," Shah told Reuters. "But it hasn't been easy. The chairs are uncomfortable to sleep on. And the food is bad." [I'll bet he dropped about a million dollars on that food too! - Mike]
Shah obtained a British Overseas Citizen passport since he was born in Kenya when it was under colonial rule. But when he flew to England without a return ticket or sufficient funds, he was deported with "prohibited immigrant" stamped in his passport -- negating the document. By then he had renounced Kenyan citizenship because local law prohibits dual nationality, so found himself in limbo and decided to stay at the airport outside Nairobi.
Now, however, Shah's ordeal -- which British authorities say was largely self-inflicted -- looks to be over. The High Commission has decided in principle to grant him full UK citizenship, pending a "citizenship ceremony." With that scheduled for July 12, he could be on a plane out the next day.
In a real-life African version of Tom Hanks' 2004 Hollywood hit "The Terminal," Sanjai Shah, 43, has been eating cafeteria food, sleeping on plastic transit lounge chairs, and showering in arrival hall toilets(!) since May of last year.
His morning alarm is the dawn announcement advising the safe landing of the first flight. "It's like a second home here. All the staff know me, they're very friendly," Shah told Reuters. "But it hasn't been easy. The chairs are uncomfortable to sleep on. And the food is bad." [I'll bet he dropped about a million dollars on that food too! - Mike]
Shah obtained a British Overseas Citizen passport since he was born in Kenya when it was under colonial rule. But when he flew to England without a return ticket or sufficient funds, he was deported with "prohibited immigrant" stamped in his passport -- negating the document. By then he had renounced Kenyan citizenship because local law prohibits dual nationality, so found himself in limbo and decided to stay at the airport outside Nairobi.
Now, however, Shah's ordeal -- which British authorities say was largely self-inflicted -- looks to be over. The High Commission has decided in principle to grant him full UK citizenship, pending a "citizenship ceremony." With that scheduled for July 12, he could be on a plane out the next day.
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