Halloween Scrooge's Holiday Alternatives (trick-or-treat drinking game)

Halloween started out as a pagan holiday surrounding the November 1st "All Soul's Day" or "All Hallows Day". Supposedly their ghosts would appear on the eve of this day (10/31) and thus came All Hallow's Eve -- or as we know it -- Halloween. The idea behind the costumes, as you may know, was to scare away the spirits, and of course the candy was to infest them with cavities so they would have a toothache and leave us alone. Of course, I could be making this all up...but I somehow remember being told all this stuff as a child.

So since I'm not big on Halloween for the following reasons [- I'm no pagan; - don't like dressing up; - don't like visiting my neighbors; - don't like my neighbors kids visiting me; - don't like answering the door every five minutes; - can't drive on the sidewalk safely with all those kids on it wandering about; - no one ever gives out the "good" candy anyway...] I offer up the following alternative actions that will serve the same purpose as the current holiday -- that is, to scare off spirits (if they exist), to line the pockets of dentists everywhere, and make all the parents gain 10 pounds. Here goes:

Scaring Off Spirits
* Everyone who is overweight must wear only speedos and/or thong-bikinis; everyone else dresses like Michael Jackson
* All networks show re-reruns of the A-Team or Dukes of Hazzard all day long
* Put up a sign on your lawn that says: "Spirits - If you come in here, you're watching the kids!"
* Alternative lawn sign: "Welcome Al Gore"
* Show videos of family vacations constantly on the big screen TV

Celebration Activities:
(1) Make a drinking game out of trick or treaters
Rules- Everytime the doorbell rings, take a drink
Everytime a kid fails to say 'trick-or-treat', take a drink and drop a rock in his bag, and take a piece of his candy
Everytime a teen comes to the door without even wearing a damn costume, finish a drink and drop the empty into his bag
Everytime someone actually has the nerve to come to the door with just a sheet over their head, take a drink, and take all their candy
When you finally run out of candy, finish all the alcohol in the house
(2) Leave lights on, inner doors open, put on TV and/or radio and leave the candy bowl in plain view, but well inside and out of reach of any kids; when the door bell rings, remain out of sight and never come to the door. If anyone actually attempts to come inside, hit them with a water balloon.
(3) Create a Puking Pumpkin and leave it on the doorstep.

I'm sure I'll come up with better stuff next year, or during the time I'm playing the trick-or-treat drinking game...

Tighter than the skin on a weiner

Yes my time is tight today, so I will put up some Halloween holiday alternatives here later this week. But first lets peruse some of my favorite comparison sayings. The title of this entry is an example. Another might be while talking about someone who is fat: "He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook."

here are some more. First the 3 grossest ones I know:
* Slicker than snot on a doorknob (I heard a guy use this in a meeting, of all places)
* Hotter than a fat man's ass crack in July (unless you live in the southern hemisphere, then it would be January)
* Older than the crust on my grandma's underpants

Some reference body parts; some more, some less than the typical person:
* Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest
* Busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes
* More horny than a three-pecked goat in a field full of nannies
* Busier than a ten-peckered dog in a hydrant factory

Some other favorites:
* More confused than a woodpecker in a concrete forest
* Poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony
* Noisier than two skeletons making love on a tin roof
* More nervous than a whore in church
* More jumpy than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

Halloween is a stupid "holiday"....and here are some costume suggestions

I never liked Halloween; even as a kid--really. Remember those horrible plastic masks you would wear, and your breathing got them all wet inside, and your eyeholes had the same visibility as Ray Charles driving at night... Plus, there is nothing worse than a holiday where other people dress up into supposedly bad costumes only to realize these are things from your closet. I think we need to revamp this holiday in a big way. I will provide alternative suggestions tomorrow, but for now since I know I haven't convinced you, I will show you some really bad costumes for you to use.

Here is a link some of you saw last year. RetroCrush's list of Worst Halloween Costumes. My favorite is Welcome Back Kotter.

What do Milli Vanilli, Max Headroom, and Molly Ringwald all have in common? They are 80's Costume Suggestions found online, (and they all start with 'M'). I was somewhat discouraged to realize that the Marty McFly costume description sounded like my typical fall attire! Uh-oh.

Finally I am not the only one who cares little for Halloween. The National Assoc. for Mental Institutions (yes, don't pretend you don't know who they are!) is angry about the portrayal of mental patients as scary halloween characters. Because, we all know that Freddy Kruger, behind that scarred face is really just "a nice guy". So was Norman Bates and Hannibal Lechter, and all of Hollywood's portrayals of the loveable mental patients! (note sarcasm, and the underlying text that they won't bother an industry with big bucks and power.) Besides, didn't you ever see the movie "Dream Team"!

Here is NAMI's list of 'worst offenders' from last year:

NAMI released a list of some of the nation's worst "Halloween Horrors" produced or sponsored by companies that have ignored appeals by both President Bush and the U.S. Surgeon General to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental illness for the public good. The list includes:

* Disguise, Inc. which produces a "Straight Jacket" costume previously marketed as "Mental Patient." See www.disguise.com.

* Spencer Gifts, a key distributor of the costume, along with another labeled "Psycho Rodeo Clown." See www.spencergift.com.

* Six Flags Amusement Park in Dallas, Texas, host of a "Fright Fest" featuring Dr. Malice, initially promoted as an insane asylum escapee, whose demented experiments include "Electro-Shock Trivia." (In response to initial complaints, the park tried to tone down the references to mental illness and gave free tickets to NAMI Dallas for distribution to consumers). See www.sixflags.com/parks/overtexas/home.asp.

* The Netherworld Haunted House "Inner Sanctum" in Atlanta "dedicated to aggressively treating the most severe forms of mental illness," which included Pepsi and Subway among its "friends and sponsors."

The Future that Never Lived

Perusing through Retro Future you can find many of the ideas and items that were promised to the person of the future (circa 2000a.d.) way back when, and get an update of where we are with that idea. For example:

* Food Pills - just pop one in and you're good to go
* More Leisure Time than we Know What to do with (who was that genius?)
* Rocket Mail
* Moon Vacations
* Two-way Wrist Radios
* Smell-O-Vision

I wonder what will happen to the idea of PDA chips in our heads? I'll check out this site in 30 years.

Dumb Laws (Part 1 of 2, for now)

Most homeowners go through a spring cleaning once a year to get rid of unwanted items. Even though we are months away from that, I would like to propose a similar concept for many of our state laws. Some are obviously outdated and others were just a bad idea to start with... There are some disturbing laws describing practices that should be obviously avoided, so one wonders why they were ever passed; someone (probably multiple people) must have performed these actions resulting in bad consequences. So without further introduction, here are my list of actual laws that should be destined for spring cleaning -by state:

New Jersey
- It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. [What if it's ice fishing season and he needs gloves?]
- It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. [Can you frown with a middle finger?]
- You may not slurp your soup. [Might as well say, 'You may not eat your soup'.]
- All motorists must honk before passing another car, bicyclist, skater, and even a skateboarder.

Arizona
- Hunting camels is prohibited. [Now that camels are over running the state, I think we can relax this law.]
- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. [But where would Uncle Jeb sleep then?]
- You may not have more than two dildos in a house. [Sharing is unhygienic, and the AZ Dildo patrol is too expensive.]
- It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. [Because the cops cannot get as much money for it when they confiscate it.]

Alaska
- It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. [Don't make me stop this plane, Mister!]

California
- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. [Too much traffic in CA to ever exceed 60mph anyway!]

Wisconsin
- Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. [Because fat prisoners are easier to chase when they escape.]
- It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. [But it is ok to burn it?]

Wyoming
- It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater. [But then I'd actually have to watch Gigli!]
- You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. [The permit costs $425.]

Pennsylvania
- It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. [But officer, it's the most comfortable appliance on my porch!]
- You may not sing in the bathtub. [People are tired of only humming - let them sing!]
- Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. [Where do you think you are? Nevada?]
- You may not catch a fish with your hands. [Then again, you may.]

Colorado
- Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. [We can't have this kind of lawlessness.]

Tomorrow we'll take a look at dumb laws in the South ;-))

Amish and Aliens

Now some of you may feel it is OK to make fun of the Amish on the Internet, because you're probably saying to yourself: "How will they know...no electricity, no computer - no computer, no web browser." Well it has come to my attention that the Amish are online, and they are able to do so using only 18th century components. The details are documented here and you can even purchase your own Amish laptop.

Also, if you are tired of eating the same old thing, or if you have tried all the chic new international restaurants in town, try cooking your own food using the Cookbook of Alien Recipes. Now granted, if you are a vegetarian this may pose a problem. This online guide discusses how to catch the alien, how to skin it, and recipes such as Alien Ragout and Mixed Alien Gumbo. Supposedly there are differences between the Blue and Grey types.

News Around the World (aka 'People R Stupid')

The big problem I have when the authorities make an arrest most of the time is that they assume they caught the perpetrator (even though we are presumed innocent until guilty, right?...yeah, right...talk to Kobe) and they stop looking for anyone else. Here is a story that is case in point. A murder of an old man led to the arrest of a local youth who apparently had blood all over his shirt. Weeks later (yes, that's weeks) they realized that it was actually just red paint. First of all this guy needs a better lawyer (can you say 'court-appointed'.) Meanwhile, the actual criminal is probably basking in the Mexican sun next to the guy who killed OJ's wife ;-)

This week we also had a woman who shot herself in the heart with a nail gun and almost died (very lucky!). Isn't there a song by Squeeze called 'Another Nail in My Heart'? I wonder if she is a fan? Anyway - power tools are for guys. Everyone expects us to do stupid things, so please don't play with anything attached to a compressor.

Speaking of stupid guys - here are 2 dopes from Australia who decided to eat slugs and one almost died:
"A SYDNEY student who ate slugs from a suburban backyard for a $20 dare got more than he bargained for when he contracted a potentially deadly form of meningitis.

The young man was diagnosed with eosinophilic meningitis, or swelling of the brain membranes, five weeks after eating two slugs in 2001, the Medical Journal of Australia reports today.
His friend also ate slugs but vomited them up, losing the $20 but saving himself a potential case of meningitis, parasitologist John Walker said. "

Here is a guy from CA that won the National Monopoly Tournament. I'll bet even money that he is homeless. If he spent that much time investing in actual real estate, he would probably have been rich! By the way, the prize seems kind of skimpy at just over $15,000.

OK, I added this one because I find it interesting. Some smart dudes learned how to generate electricity from capillary action using water. Soon are PDAs and cell phones might not need batteries...just spit and go!

Later...

Error Message Evolution

I remember back in the first days of home computers (not that long ago really), you would get error messages like this:
Fatal: register 0x0032 set to 0000 AF05

These fossil error messages can still be seen in some museums, on the Galapagos Islands, and every once in a while in a Microsoft error message. However, end-users told programmers to please print error messages in English. So the messages evolved into:
Fatal: register 0x0032 set to 0000 AF05 (Please call your vendor)

So after spending more than the GDP of a small nation on software and tech support, the average end-user said, "When I said English, I meant the English that non-geeks speak--and don't use any numbers if possible"
So here I sit at my computer over the past week looking at error messages like these:
"Asynchronous, fatal metadata rejection"
"Immediate, extraneous operation failure"
"Invalid, generic topology underflow"
"Undetermined, dereferenced framing rejection"
"Redundant, virtual authentication stackdump"

I'm almost sorry that we asked. So I call tech support and told them the error message; I didn't hear anything on the other end for a while so I said 'Hello?', and she said 'Hold on I'm looking up your error message number.'

Finally, I would like to end with a smart-A$$ remark which is that ....
Fatal: blog dump, overflow, 0x0045 AE44, non-recursive ***

Two Really Cool Games

OK. I can see that you are bored (otherwise why would you be reading my weblog:-)...
Here are two great games I found online. WARNING- These games require intellectual powers (i.e., no shooting).

The first one is Find 5 Differences. Two photos that look alike and you need to find 5 things that are different. This is harder than it sounds. I never got past four!

The second is the Dyson Telecope Game. I got up to level 18 on this one. It is similar to golf in some ways...just get the little ball in the hole, simple! (evil grin)

Have fun.