Rubberneckers Must Die!

So I'm driving to work during the usual crappy commute (over an hour), when suddenly traffic comes to a slow crawl at an on ramp to the highway. It took over 15 minutes just to get onto the highway...I was really ticked. What was the cause of this massive delay? Oil spill? Fire? Explosion? 10-car collision?
No!
It was a fender bender that was off to the side of the road (i.e., not blocking the lanes) and the two drivers were trading information. The one car had a dented front, the other not much damage. In other words, it was nothing much to look at...When I am delayed for that long, I want to see massive destruction, body parts strewn across the road, and at least a small fire! This is ridiculous! What the hell are you people looking at? JUST GO!!!!

I have an idea. I am going to finally be rich. I am going to buy a few acres of property, pave a small road in a circle around the property, and then get a bunch of totalled cars and trucks from a junk yard for cheap. I will place these staged accidents around the path, and charge people $15 a pop to travel real slow in golf carts around the path to look at the accidents. The big finale will be a car explosion and fire, followed by 2 stuntment duking it out over whose fault it was...

If you want tickets to this attraction let me know. In the meantime - Just Drive!

The TP is Always Softer on the Other Side

I swear the toilet paper that this company uses is like brillo.
Today I had to go but the men's room was full, so I took a short trip to the front of the building where the visitor and guest lobby is and used that bathroom.
Do you know what I discovered! They have the Good TP! It was soft and fluffy!
Spare no expense for the visitors!
[I know where I am going from now on though...hehe]

Undo

Life could use an Undo button every once in a while.
I always thought that a good gag would be to modify Microsoft applications such that the Undo command doesn't work. Whenever you select it you get a message: "Nothing to Undo". I would love to see the faces of everyone who uses that!

For the Guy Who Has Everything

Ladies - Need to buy a gift for your guy - and don't know what to get? Here is a sure fire winner. The New Popcorn Fork is great! No assembly required, and it even has a built in salt shaker! Make sure he doesn't get his hands all greasy before he touches your stuff...get him the Popcorn Fork so he can stuff his fat face with junk food full of butter and salt while his lard a$$ is watching TV.

Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth

In the first installment of a feature I call: 'A Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth' we will look at web sites that make no sense and I cannot believe anyone would spend their time creating, updating, or even viewing them (much like my blog ;-)

The first entry is the Parking Spots Around the World...Yes, I know it sounds boring, but you know what's even worse? They're not even real cars, they are toy cars photographed as if they were parked in real parking spots! I think some people need a hobby....

I will have another entry next week...

5 Trick Questions

I will post answers tomorrow to these questions/riddles. See how many you can get:

1. What is 5 divided by 1/2 plus 3?

2. I have two coins making 55 cents but one is not a nickel. How can that be?

3. Why are 1977 dollars worth more than 1976 dollars?

4. What word in the English language does nearly everyone pronounce incorrectly?

5. In the United States is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?

End of an Era

It's official - Mattel reported that Ken & Barbie are splitsville. Mattel says that the 2 will remain "friends", but need to see other people. What does this say about our society? What will it teach today's young girls? You could say that this is a consquence of Ken's lack of committment, or maybe it points toward the whole disillusionment with the institution of marriage in this country.

Who are these other "people" that they are going to see anyway? Barbie will be dating Buzz Lightyear, and Ken will be dating...Woody? In light of the recent 100 same sex marriages in SF, and what is happening in VT and Mass. maybe this is Mattel's way of getting ready for Gay Porn Ken, or Lesbo Biker Barbie.

I think they should update Ken & Barbie for today's young women to prepare them for reality. The changes would be as follows:

BARBIE-
* Short bob haircut (with highlights)
* Wrinkles around eyes
* Stretch marks
* Ratty sweatshirt with cheesy pants
* One pair of pumps, one pair of high heels, 6 pairs of sneakers, 1 pair of work boots
* Closet full of clothes that don't fit
* Two pill bottles: Advil, and Valium
* Accessories: 3 children; mop; apron; diaper bag; minivan; coupon for liposuction treatment; 6 credit cards; lip hair treatment; cell phone; soccer mom bumper stickers; estrogen pills

KEN-
* Pot-belly
* T-Shirt says "I'm with Stupid"
* Fixed in the sitting position with beer attached to left hand
* Bald spot on top of head
* Accessories include: Pile of bills including many credit cards with Barbie's purchases on them; pickup (full bed); shotgun and rack; backscratcher; toe nail clipper; simulated snack foods; gameboy

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

That being said, here are some FREE sayings that are equally annoying or dumb:

I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever...so far, so good.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist--my parents were, though.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world; a pessimist fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom- sometimes age comes alone.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

Last but not least:
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

More oxys for the morons....

Here are some more oxymorons - I promise this is the last time:

Great Depression
free trade
peacekeeper missile
sweet tart
crash landing
sweet sorrow
student teacher
silent scream
live on tape
good grief
near miss
light tanks
old news