"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old." - Steven Wright
"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I stole one, and asked him to forgive me." - Emo Philips
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair." - George Burns
