One Liners

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old." - Steven Wright

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I stole one, and asked him to forgive me." - Emo Philips

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair." - George Burns

 

Q&A Day (Jokes)

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Athiest?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.  (Guy Owen)

Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot

Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail."

Q: What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
A: Virgin on the ridiculous.

Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.

McD Coffee - Yuk

I love how McDonalds now puts the milk & sugar in your coffee, and tries to pass it off as a benefit to YOU...like they're really helping you out by doing that for you...

 

First of all the real reason they do it, is to keep the cost of people using too much milk and/or sugar. I happen to like a lot of milk in my coffee -- now I can't get it. I understand about cutting costs -- really -- but don't try and make it like you're doing us all a favor! If they really want to help out, how about doing my laundry? Or at least clean those disgusting tables...

 

PS - McD's coffee is nasty anyway!

 

 

Immigration and Being American

Here is a supposed quote from Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN circa 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.

We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

The Most Disturbing Thing

Do you want to know what the most disturbing thing to me is?

It's when I'm driving along on the highway, and I see a very attractive woman in the car next to me -- and she's picking her nose!

Life Goes Full Circle

· At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
· At age 12, success is...having friends.
· At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 20, success is...having sex.
· At age 35, success is...having money.
· At age 50, success is...having money.
· At age 60, success is...having sex.
· At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 75, success is...having friends.
· At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Quotes to Live By

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons

"It's Cheaper to be in denial, than in therapy."

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

"I recently lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."
- Daniel Lybra

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'"
- George Carlin

Kids - Your Parents Read MySpace

I was at a conference the other day and during lunch I ate at the bar in the hotel. Across the bar were a group of women, obviously from the deep mid-west/south (my guess is Arkansas). They were complaining about their kids -- all were teens of various ages -- and drinking...

 

The conversation was very lively and better than any TV program. They best part was when another woman joined the group and started saying that she was just on the phone with her daughter (a senior in high school). Apparently, while the moms were here at the hotel last night, the kids back home threw a party at the house. Someone at the party took a ton of photos with their camera phone and posted them on their MySpace account. Now here comes the dumb part: the daughter linked to the page with the photos so her friends who couldn't make the party could check them out...

 

Well, Mom goes to the daughter's MySpace site while on the web and sees the link. The next thing she knows, she is looking at about 50 teens trashing the house and her daughter lying practically passed out on the couch.

 

The story of the conversation between the Mom & daugther was even better (she tried to deny it until Mom told her about MySpace)...but I can't do all the details here. All in all it was a very entertaining 30 minute lunch.

 

So Kids: Do Not post photos on MySpace or Flickr or anything like that. Also, don't go posting photos of people or non-public places online unless you have permission! A bunch of teens in NJ have been suspended from school for that very action!

 

 

How Scary is BK?

Is it just me or is that dude with the GIANT Burger King head scary?!

 

Did you see the one with the lumberjack in the woods -- and he turns around and the "king" ist standing right there in the middle of nowehere? If that was me, the BK would have had an axe in him - he scares me....