Redneck Wheelchairs

When Jeff Foxworthy gets really old, maybe he'll find himself in a wheelchair and do jokes like this:

You might be a redneck if:

* Any part of your chair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You installed a gun rack on back.
* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, or beer tap.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You hide some hooch in the tubing or battery compartment of the chair.
* You ever made any roadkill, while in the chair
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* The fringe of your jacket have ever got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you thought it might help pick up chicks.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "now that's a good idea!"

Things I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have lots of money, a big weenie, or huge boobs (just not all three!)

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because if anything, their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Loaded Question

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Go ask your Mother.

You Are Inconsiderate...

I saw this happen repeatedly when I was flying to L.A. every week for 6 months.

This flight was always full, that is, there was little overhead baggage room. Yet, people would put BOTH of their bags above them and refuse to put anything under their seat. Now if wasn't a full flight I wouldn't have a problem with it, or if you only had 1 bag and put it over your head...but the attendant specifically asked everyone to put one bag under your seat. So now people with their allowed 2 bags, can only put one under their seat and have nowhere to out the other.

This didn't happen to me personally since I usually have enough elite status to board first, but I still felt like some people are just rude. I even noticed the same people doing this week after week.

I'll bet they don't even think they are doing anything wrong, so I am here to set the record straight: If you have ever done this YOU ARE INCONSIDERATE!

New Technology for Plants and (Someday) Babies

In an article from Reuters - "Some people like to talk to their plants. Now, students at Singapore Polytechnic say they have created a plant that can communicate with people -- by glowing when it needs water."

Apparently they added a flourescent gene which glows under certain conditions.
I had a great idea with this...How about adding different color flourescent genes to infants so when they cry you know what they want based on the color they are glowing. For once babies would come with an instruction manual:

Red = Hungry
Blue = Wet
Green = Sick/Gas
Orange = I'm Hot
Purple = I'm Cold
Gold = I'm embarrassed to be in this family

Win $250 at BlogParty

If you have a blog, you can try and win $250 from BlogParty.net. Drawing is March 15th.

BlogParty is a new network of sites that help leverage your blog, but we need help getting the message out there. How about some motivation? How about the chance to win $250 for writting an entry in your blog about BlogParty with a link back to www.blogparty.net?

Just add your post and link it to a comment in this post.

30 Best Droppings from Mike's Brain - A 3 Year Retrospective

Since this blog started three years ago in March of 2003 and now has over 400 entries, I have decided to post links to my favorite entries as a retrospective. If the long running TV shows can do it, so can I, and I eagerly await any offers for syndication ;-)

1) How Do You Throw Out a Garbage Can?
2) The Superbowl and Taking a Dump
3) Double Your Pleasure
4) Today's Cars are Too Safe!
5) Funny Bumper Stickers
6)Reality TV + Better Traffic Flow
7) 16 Ways to Have More Fun
8) Foods Named Craps, Plopp, and Megapussi
9) 10 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down
10) Stuff That Keeps Me Up at Night

11) Historical Use of the "F" Word
12) How Things Change After Marriage
13) Car Rental Companies are Morons
14) Too Many Bottles of Beer on the Wall
15) Sometimes It's OK to Lose
16) Interesting Facts
17) More Things That Hurt My Brain
18) You Know You're Old When... or WHEN
19) Lack of Brains Hinders Research
20) Dilbert's Theory on Salary

21)Customers Suck
22)Sex, Sex, Sex
23)Bad Pick Up Lines
24)Stupid Laws (part 1)
25)Stupid Laws (part 2- Southern US)
26)Tighter Than the Skin on a Weiner
27) Weird Phobias Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
28) Cool Rock Bands You Never Heard Of (part 1)
29) Cool Rock Bands You Never Heard of (part 2)
30) They Took Gullible Out of the Dictionary

Well, there you have it. Keep posted by subscribing to this blog (see link on right) and you can have more valuable information just like this...It will give you something to talk about at the dinner table. Mike

eBay No Longer for the Little Guy

I remember the good old days of eBay: find some crap in your closet, or even something mundane but in good shape, list it on eBay and score a reasonable amount of cash. Both parties were generally happy in this arrangement.

I remember selling an old Commodore-64 software program to some lady in Japan for $30 (more than I originally paid). I could even sell a bunch of my old paperbacks that were in good shape and get enough money to make it worthwhile.

Well, things have changed... Now, I am a member of a wholesale club (a real one, no middle men), and I see vendors online selling stuff for less than wholesale. Any company worth it's salt is selling product on eBay directly; either their excess, or as an alternative distribution method.

I admit as a buyer it is great: you can find anything, and get it at a decent price if you are patient. But if you are a seller, you cannot compete! Buyers now have a garage sale mentality ("I'll give you fifty cents for that diamond ring?") - which is why most people hated having garage sales.

eBay is now a garage sale with shipping! Here are the only things I think that make any worthwhile money on eBay:

(1) Something unique that people can't get elsewhere (e.g., artwork, toast with picture of Virgin Mary)

(2) Collectibles (in perfect condition)

(3) Something in very high demand

So I, for one, don't expect to sell anything more on ebay unless it meets the above criteria, which is a shame, since now I'm going to throw out stuff that someone, somewhere could probably use - but it's just not worth my time and effort to post it, package and ship it, pay all the fees (ebay, Paypal, etc) and make fifty cents.

eBay is dead to me! Unless I have to buy something of course :-)

I Want to Be Like Bode Miller

So take a guy who is real good at what he does, get a bunch of companies willing to pay him big bucks in endorsement money in anticipation of scoring big in a major televised event (i.e., the Olympics), and then let's see what happens:

How did Bode do:
=> Downhill:5th
=> Combined:DSQ
=> Super-G: DNF
=> G. Slalom: 6th
=> Slalom: DNF
I guess he's not as good as he thought he was...

So maybe I can get my company to pay me in advance and then:
* Don't take any of it seriously
* Get plastered before a big "event"
* Get disqualified
* Perform poorly
* Act badly enough to give the world another reason to hate the USA

** Take the Money and Run! **

It's one thing to not do well (anyone can have a bad day or week), but another to just act like you don't even care -- why even send athletes like this to the games to represent the country? I'd rather send someone who cared and placed 10th.