Hey Buddy -- Got the Time?

The Human Clock
http://www.humanclock.com

(very cool!)

More Things That Hurt My Brain...

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Stuff I had saved and didn't know what to do with...

Here are some tidbits I had saved for no good reason...so like like the guy who cleans out the junk in his garage and tries to give it to his neighbors:

Try to Use at Least One of These Sayings Today--
1) As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
2) She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo.
3) As tight as a Camels ass in a Sand-storm.
4) As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

True Things People Said

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown

Bad Food Combos (#1)

I found a really nasty food combo today, so I'm going to warn you about it in case you're as dumb as I am and decide to try it.

Curry and Coffee.

I went to a curry restaurant and ordered the Chicken Curry (hot) and some rice. It was also quite cold that day so in addition to the glass of water I ordered some coffee. I drank half of the coffee by the time the food came. So I started eating...
After I decided it would be a shame to waste good coffee - so I finished it

It was bad....

Historical Use of the "F" word

The "F" word - no, I'm not talking about Family here - it's the one you first thought of....people use it today so much, most of the time it is in appropriate or not needed at all. However, there have been times in the past that its use was very justified.
Let's review:

TOP FIVE TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the F--- was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these F---ing Indians come from?"
- General Custer

"I don't suppose it's gonna F---ing rain."
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered F---ing showers...my ass!"
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a F---ing hole in my head!"
-JFK

Plus a Bonus:
"Aw, c'mon, who the F--- is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton

How things change after marriage...

Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.

Make money off of your teenager

Did your teen start driving? Do they drive as bad as you were afraid they might? worse?
Want to make a few bucks off of their poor driving to compensate for the increase in your insurance?

Try this idea out -
Get a 900 number, and then have a bumper sticker made that says: "Don't like my driving? Call 1-900-XXXXXX" and put it on the back of his/her car.

You can make $1 a minute with these 900 numbers! At that rate some of you should be able to retire in a few years!