1/28/2005

George Bush is Coming 'round the Mountain

George Bush sings about his second term (from jibjab)

http://movies.yahoo.com/movies/feature/jibjabinaugural.html

1/27/2005

Useful Grammar Tips

Need to get a big term paper ready? Writing a report for work? Here are some key tips for readability:

* Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
* Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* Avoid clich├ęs like the plague.
* Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
* Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
* It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
* Contractions aren't necessary.
* Be more or less specific.
* The passive voice is to be avoided.

PS - Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

1/21/2005

Pretentious Dating Sites

Want to avoid having arguments over politics with your potential mate? Get a date at the dating site Conservative Match where you can find Sweet Hearts NOT Bleeding Hearts -- of course, this only helps if you are a conservative. How do they check this by the way? Do they come to your house to see how many photos of Bush and Schwarzengger are hanging up?

Don't like dating the bimbo types (for more than one date)? Then get smart - look for a mate at Mensa -- the only problem with this plan is most of you who like the garbage in this blog probably won't qualify... :-)

Couldn't bare to date someone from Podunk University or any school whose initials end with a 'T' -- then sign up for Good Genes Dating, where only Ivy Leaguers can apply. I assume you need to send in a copy of your diploma and final report card...The question still remains how will they separate the Harvard wheat from the Yale chaff? (Just kidding -- I went to Rutgers for crying out loud).

Anyway, if you feel that you need to -- or really want to -- sign up for these sites to find a compatible person, then perhaps you are just too picky and that is why you are still single!
But, in the word's of Dennis Miller, that's just my opinion - I may be wrong.

1/19/2005

16 Ways to Have More Fun --Today

Do the following:

1. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That.
3. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It, "In."
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For Three Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."
6. Finish All Your Sentences, With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
7. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
8. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
12. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
13. Have Your Co-Workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard."
14. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

1/18/2005

Useful Sites

If you want to find the cheapest gas near you--and who doesn't especially nowadays (is that a real word?)--then check out Gas Buddy.

Also, did you ever load a piece of software and then wished you hadn't (i.e. didnt work, or not as good as previous version, etc.) Here is a site that archives Old Versions of all popular software downloads.

Have fun!


1/14/2005

Inspector Gadget Would Love This

If you are a true gadget head and need to know all the newest and latest stuff coming to market then you should visit the EnGadget website for Gadget Heads.

1/13/2005

Would You Eat Food That Was Named...?

It's funny how sometimes a simple suggestion can ruin our whole appettite. Many of these foods are products from overseas that got 'lost in the translation'...but surprisingly--NOT all of them! Please Note: THESE ARE REAL PRODUCTS. (See link below)

So would you eat anything was named:

Aass
Anis Kockens
Big Nuts
Bimbo
Black Bush
Brest
Bum Bum
Cemen
Cock
Cockburns
Coming
Coon
Craps
Creamy Ball
Cumin Hole
Dickmilch
Dry Sack
Erektus
Fagottino
Fanny
Fart Bar
Finger Marie
Fizzy Jerkz
Gaytime
Grated Fanny
Happy Crak
Horlicks
Jussi Pussi
Megapussi
Mini-Dickmanns
Mounds
Pee
Perky Nana
Piddle
Plopp
Prick
Pussi
Redbush
Shito
Spotted Dick
Spunk
Vergina
Wanker
Woodii

You can see photos of these foods and more at The Rude Food website.

1/12/2005

True or False - Some Urban Legends

Is Walt Disney really cryogenically preserved?
Did Coca-Cola really used to contain cocaine?
Was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer created for Montgomery Ward department stores?
Is the nursery rhyme 'Ring Around the Rosie' a coded reference to the Black Plague?
Did The Marlboro Man die of lung cancer?
Is the penis of gangster John Dillinger on display at a Smithsonian museum?
Does the average person swallow eight spiders per year?
Do hair and fingernails continue to grow after one's death?
Is it true that the middle name of President Harry Truman was just the letter 'S.'?
Did President Bush, during a photo opportunity, become "amazed" at encountering supermarket scanners for the first time?

Some of the above are TRUE and others FALSE. Find out which is which at: SNOPES.

1/11/2005

The Yuckiest Little Mini-Golf Course in the West

OK - when a mini-golf course that is self-described as the "The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West" has holes that include:

* Poo Monkey and Poo Cow (yes they are taking a dump on the green)
* A pile of wood full of rusty nails
* An outhouse
* 100' high tiki
* Aortic Valve
and of course
* Lopsided Nipple Buddha Passes Stone

It makes you wonder if there is a yuckier mini-golf course in the East?

1/10/2005

Yo Mama So Fat...(Survey)

Reuters reported on the fittest/fattest cities for 2004 - and the winners are:

Seattle is the Fittest.
Houston is the Fattest (Philly was a close second - it's all those cheesesteaks)



And Just so You Have a Good Line for when you visit, here are some punch lines to Yo Mama So Fat...

* I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
* When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
* Instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s.
* When the doctor diagnosed her with a flesh eating disease he gave her 13 years to live.
* Her ass has its own congressman.
* Her belt size is "Equator"
* Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
* When God said "Let there be light" he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
* When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.
* Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
* Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
* She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
* Her shadow weighs 100 pounds.

1/07/2005

Modern Business Slang Definitions

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.







1/06/2005

Bad Christmas Displays

Check here for the Worst Christmas Displays Ever (according to this guy anyway)

Personally I think these would be worse if someone wants to try it for next year:

* A Mooning Santa
* Ashlee Simpson life-size inflatable Christmas lawn ornament
* Santa having a reindeer meat BBQ

or what about THIS ONE for soccer fans...

Scam.com (Better Safe than Sorry)

A Message Board to Check out Internet Scams - in case you are not sure, or just paranoid like me...
[What if this message board is a scam?]



Free DVR, HDTV, and Satellite TV

1/05/2005

Pop Tarts for Bitter People

Have Pop-Tarts always had so much sugar? I guess when I was a kid I didn't notice, or care. Essentially, I like the ones without the frosting on the top, or worst case, the ones with the little squiggly frosting lines...I don't want the entire top coated with a layer of thick, hard sugar frosting--it's just too much! Between the sugar on the inside, the sugar in the crust, and then the sugar coating on top (not to mention the sugar in my coffee) there is enough dextrose/sucrose/corn-syrup in this one breakfast treat to even make Scrooge loveable and sweet ('The Ghost of Christmas Breakfast?')

The problem--as I see it--is that they don't offer every flavor in all of the frosting variations. My favorite flavor is Cherry. The problem is you cannot find Cherry Pop-Tarts without frosting on the outside (go ahead and try - I dare you). So I always wind up getting strawberry, which does have a no frosting variation...but I really wanted Cherry! I guess I can always learn to drink my coffee black.


1/03/2005

Weird Stuff that Happened in 2004

Here is the annual review of wierd stuff that happened in 2004 (from Reuters) to prove once again that truth is stranger than fiction...

* A vibrating sex toy chucked into a rubbish bin at an Australian airport sparked a security alert that only ended when an embarrassed passenger came forward to claim what was identified as "an adult novelty device."

* A fervent evangelist who leapt into the lions' den at Taipei zoo and shouted "Jesus will save you" was lucky to escape with just a bite in the right leg when he tried to convert the king of beasts to Christianity.

* Nine out of 10 Chinese calling into a suicide-prevention hotline were greeted by a busy signal (maybe this is their idea of population control?)

Germany was popular this year:
* German police arrested a flasher who stumbled over his dropped trousers during an aborted attempt to flee.

* A cost-cutting German theater was berated for using just four dwarves instead of seven in their Snow White show.

* A survey revealed that most German men wear the wrong size condoms. Germans said they find smelly co-workers to be the most annoying aspect of their jobs.

* UK nursing home staff were so proud of a 105-year-old woman who had smoked since the age of 15 that they cremated her with a packet of her favorite cigarettes in the coffin.

* A British train conductor stamped and carefully returned the ticket of a slumbering passenger without realizing the man was dead.

* A South African radio reporter went a little more live than he anticipated when he was mugged on air for his cellphone while transmitting from a squatter settlement.

* A Norwegian court acquitted a man accused of raping a sleeping woman after he said he was also asleep at the time.

* All three wives of a 67-year-old Iranian man took overdoses in an unsuccessful triple suicide bid after the youngest wife sparked jealousy by buying an expensive pair of boots.

* A Malaysian man shot his wife dead after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit behind their house. (see my blog entry for the actual article)

* A Spaniard tried to have his wife charged with domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five consecutive nights.

* Two Italians with the nicknames 'Bull Shark' and 'Nurse Shark' donned bubble-helmet immersion suits to get married in a shark tank.

* A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight and then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days (see article below in my blog)

* And a Zambian man hanged himself in shame after his wife rushed into their house to investigate a noise and found him having sex with a chicken. The chicken was slaughtered afterwards. Moral of the Story: Don't buy KFC in Zambia.