Rubberneckers Must Die!

So I'm driving to work during the usual crappy commute (over an hour), when suddenly traffic comes to a slow crawl at an on ramp to the highway. It took over 15 minutes just to get onto the highway...I was really ticked. What was the cause of this massive delay? Oil spill? Fire? Explosion? 10-car collision?
It was a fender bender that was off to the side of the road (i.e., not blocking the lanes) and the two drivers were trading information. The one car had a dented front, the other not much damage. In other words, it was nothing much to look at...When I am delayed for that long, I want to see massive destruction, body parts strewn across the road, and at least a small fire! This is ridiculous! What the hell are you people looking at? JUST GO!!!!

I have an idea. I am going to finally be rich. I am going to buy a few acres of property, pave a small road in a circle around the property, and then get a bunch of totalled cars and trucks from a junk yard for cheap. I will place these staged accidents around the path, and charge people $15 a pop to travel real slow in golf carts around the path to look at the accidents. The big finale will be a car explosion and fire, followed by 2 stuntment duking it out over whose fault it was...

If you want tickets to this attraction let me know. In the meantime - Just Drive!


The TP is Always Softer on the Other Side

I swear the toilet paper that this company uses is like brillo.
Today I had to go but the men's room was full, so I took a short trip to the front of the building where the visitor and guest lobby is and used that bathroom.
Do you know what I discovered! They have the Good TP! It was soft and fluffy!
Spare no expense for the visitors!
[I know where I am going from now on though...hehe]


Life could use an Undo button every once in a while.
I always thought that a good gag would be to modify Microsoft applications such that the Undo command doesn't work. Whenever you select it you get a message: "Nothing to Undo". I would love to see the faces of everyone who uses that!


For the Guy Who Has Everything

Ladies - Need to buy a gift for your guy - and don't know what to get? Here is a sure fire winner. The New Popcorn Fork is great! No assembly required, and it even has a built in salt shaker! Make sure he doesn't get his hands all greasy before he touches your stuff...get him the Popcorn Fork so he can stuff his fat face with junk food full of butter and salt while his lard a$$ is watching TV.


Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth

In the first installment of a feature I call: 'A Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth' we will look at web sites that make no sense and I cannot believe anyone would spend their time creating, updating, or even viewing them (much like my blog ;-)

The first entry is the Parking Spots Around the World...Yes, I know it sounds boring, but you know what's even worse? They're not even real cars, they are toy cars photographed as if they were parked in real parking spots! I think some people need a hobby....

I will have another entry next week...


5 Trick Questions

I will post answers tomorrow to these questions/riddles. See how many you can get:

1. What is 5 divided by 1/2 plus 3?

2. I have two coins making 55 cents but one is not a nickel. How can that be?

3. Why are 1977 dollars worth more than 1976 dollars?

4. What word in the English language does nearly everyone pronounce incorrectly?

5. In the United States is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?


End of an Era

It's official - Mattel reported that Ken & Barbie are splitsville. Mattel says that the 2 will remain "friends", but need to see other people. What does this say about our society? What will it teach today's young girls? You could say that this is a consquence of Ken's lack of committment, or maybe it points toward the whole disillusionment with the institution of marriage in this country.

Who are these other "people" that they are going to see anyway? Barbie will be dating Buzz Lightyear, and Ken will be dating...Woody? In light of the recent 100 same sex marriages in SF, and what is happening in VT and Mass. maybe this is Mattel's way of getting ready for Gay Porn Ken, or Lesbo Biker Barbie.

I think they should update Ken & Barbie for today's young women to prepare them for reality. The changes would be as follows:

* Short bob haircut (with highlights)
* Wrinkles around eyes
* Stretch marks
* Ratty sweatshirt with cheesy pants
* One pair of pumps, one pair of high heels, 6 pairs of sneakers, 1 pair of work boots
* Closet full of clothes that don't fit
* Two pill bottles: Advil, and Valium
* Accessories: 3 children; mop; apron; diaper bag; minivan; coupon for liposuction treatment; 6 credit cards; lip hair treatment; cell phone; soccer mom bumper stickers; estrogen pills

* Pot-belly
* T-Shirt says "I'm with Stupid"
* Fixed in the sitting position with beer attached to left hand
* Bald spot on top of head
* Accessories include: Pile of bills including many credit cards with Barbie's purchases on them; pickup (full bed); shotgun and rack; backscratcher; toe nail clipper; simulated snack foods; gameboy


Anything free is worth what you pay for it

That being said, here are some FREE sayings that are equally annoying or dumb:

I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever...so far, so good.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist--my parents were, though.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world; a pessimist fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom- sometimes age comes alone.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

Last but not least:
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


More oxys for the morons....

Here are some more oxymorons - I promise this is the last time:

Great Depression
free trade
peacekeeper missile
sweet tart
crash landing
sweet sorrow
student teacher
silent scream
live on tape
good grief
near miss
light tanks
old news


Jumbo Shrimp Revisited

Since the morons down the hall have been annoying me, it got me thinking about oxymorons--yes, I may just have adult ADD--of which, the title of this entry is the classic example. Here are some more funny ones I've collected (I know, most people collect stamps or dolls).

open secret
larger half
clearly confused
act naturally
alone together
found missing
liquid gas
deafening silence
seriously funny
living dead
military intelligence
Advanced BASIC
tragic comedy
unbiased opinion
virtual reality
definite maybe
original copies
pretty ugly
same difference
plastic glasses
almost exactly
constant variable
even odds
minor crisis
extinct life
genuine imitation
exact estimate
only choice
freezer burn
free love
working holiday
rolling stop

My two all-time favorite oxymorons are: Microsoft Works, and Reagen Memoirs!
Maybe tomorrow I will think of some more...or maybe I'll actually do some work...ya never know ;-)


Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Some weird stories from the Net:

A 75-year-old man in Nepal married a dog in a local custom to ensure good luck only to die three days later, a newspaper reported Wednesday. With his son and other relatives by his side, Phulram Chaudhary tied the knot with a dog Saturday in Durgauli village in the southwestern Kailali district. He was following a custom of his Tharu community which holds that an old man who regrows teeth must take a dog as a bride. "He believed that this would help him avoid great misfortune later in life. However, he died a few days afterward," the state-run daily Gorkhapatra said.
Did they say 'Regrows Teeth?'

He was black and blue, swollen, and on a feeding tube. But this Utah groom wasn't about to let that stand in the way of his wedding. Chris Pitchford was beaten up outside a casino in Mesquite early Sunday during his bachelor party. Pitchford had to undergo spleen surgery, had broken ribs, and was put on morphine to dull the pain. He was supposed to marry Laura Moody on Monday afternoon at a relative's home. But instead, they got married in the chapel of a Utah hospital. The couple's honeymoon destination was also changed from Las Vegas to a hospital room at the end of the hallway.
You might as well get used to it, Buddy !


Fun 4 Friday

Here is some stuff to keep you occupied before the weekend starts...(No one works on Friday, do they?)

Law & Order Fan? Here is a coloring book of all your favorite characters.

I always wanted to be an artist; the unfortunate fact is that I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. This site let's me create a true Picasso with just point & click.

And finally, if you are really bored or have a lot of peanut butter lying around, here is a site that has 2000 uses for peanut butter. I tried #908 this week--not sure why I have mice in my attic.



Redundant Repetitive Expressions

Ever use any of these phrases?

(actual) experience
(advance) planning
(advance) reservations
(advance) warning
all meet (together)
(armed) gunman
autobiography (of my life)
((basic) fundamentals
cease (and desist)
cheap (price)
(close) proximity
cold (temperature)
commute (back and forth)
consensus (of opinion)
(difficult) dilemma
each (and every)
(empty) space
(end) result
estimated (roughly) at
filled (to capacity)
(free) gift
(frozen) ice
(general) public
green (in color)
join (together)
(natural) instinct
never (at any time)
(null and) void
(pair of) twins
(past) experience
(poisonous) venom
reason is (because)
(regular) routine
(small) speck
(suddenly) exploded
surrounded (on all sides)
(unexpected) surprise

Good bye, and see ya later.


The Taiwanese Exploding Whale Trick & Tit-Watching Societies

There were lots of interesting stories in the past few weeks. My favorite though was the exploding whale in Taiwan. It must have smelled awful. Hopefully they learned a lesson: Try to avoid going down main street with a dead whale carcass!

Now we may get the Amish Reality Show. This is about Amish teens who get to go out into the "Real World" to see if they want to enter American society, or come back to the AMish community. Basically, it is a show about watching teenagers partying like there is no tomorrow ('cause there isn't if they decide to come back). The great thing about this, is that they don't have to worry about their parents watching the show, since there aren't any TVs in Amish culture.

And finally, in tribute to Janet Jackson, you may be interested in joining the Royal Tit-Watching Society of Britain, formed in 1824 and is the oldest of the British Tit-Watching Societies. How many do they have? I believe they hold their annual USA chapter meeting at Score's in New York City. The best part of this society is their URL: www.nice-tits.org.


What's In a Name?

Unsatisfied with your given name? I would be too if my name was Gretchen P. CrotchRotter. Or maybe your name is not so bad, just boring (right, John Jones?) -- So in order to help you out, you can use either of these two sites to improve your image.

First, make yourself a hero and give yourself a SuperHero name. It even goes as far as providing you a sidekick and secret powers! Here's my new profile:

Name: Lord Cat
Special Power: Twisting Bat
Transportation: Wonder Horse
Weapon: Flame Grenade
Costume: Fibersteel Suit
Sidekick: Squeaky Sally
Nemesis: John the Crafty
Tragic Flaw: Addicted to sugar
Favorite Food: Twinkies

My Gangsta Name will help you sound a lot more cool at all those parties...By the way, you can now call me "Old Dirty Baller"


Terrorist Math Teachers and WMI

At New York's International Airport, an individual male person, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Security officers believe that the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. A senior security officer said, 'Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute values.

'Al-gebra consists of quite shadowy figures, with names like 'x' and 'y', and, although they are frequently referred to as 'unknowns', we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W Bush said, 'If we had been meant to have weapons of math instruction, we would have all been born with enough fingers and toes so we could measure with twelve inches to a foot and count up in dozens!'

[Yes - this is a spoof!]