"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.
We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
It's when I'm driving along on the highway, and I see a very attractive woman in the car next to me -- and she's picking her nose!
· At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
· At age 12, success is...having friends.
· At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 20, success is...having sex.
· At age 35, success is...having money.
· At age 50, success is...having money.
· At age 60, success is...having sex.
· At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 75, success is...having friends.
· At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons
"It's Cheaper to be in denial, than in therapy."
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
"I recently lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."
- Daniel Lybra
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'"
- George Carlin