12/31/2005

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

and if you believe that...here are some more words of wisdom--

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.

12/30/2005

Top 10 Craziest Stuff You Didnt Know

Seriously - men can breastfeed and chickens can be hypnotized? Well if that's not bad enough, now they're saying that picking your nose and eating it can be good for you!?! Looks like little Tommy Dorfman in 3rd grade had the right idea!

12/29/2005

The Natural Goodness of Cheery Hos

Check out Main Street Sonoma for their "unique" cereals, featuring:

* Cheery Hos
* Cocoa Buffs
* Porn Flakes
* Fruity Loops

and more.....

12/27/2005

Free XM Radio for Dell Dimensions

If you recently got a new Dell Dimension or Inspiron, check out VerusNova to find out how to get your free XM radio access for 30-days. No credit card required.

Random Walking...

Site with cool links and stuff....Random Walking on the Internet

Government to Track Our Whereabout via Automobiles

As another point of proof to my previsou post, read about how the Gov't wants to use GPS to track our vehicles at all times, and disable them if we tamper with the GPS device.
Read about it HERE.

Be careful what you search for...

OK - I realize that most of us reading this blog are not hardened criminals (?) and have no intention of hurting anyone or "doing someone in"...but still there is scary eWeek Article about how the police used a man's Google search words as evidence against him in a first degree murder case.

This means you should be careful what you search for - even if you are just curious or fooling around. Who knows how this stuff can be used against you years in the future. Is this another instance of Bush spying on people? I understand wanting to be able to prosecute criminals - but, there are many things I search on that I wouldn't want brought up in court...mostly they are just random walking through the internet or following links referred by "weird and unusal web sites", etc. I've even borrowed the book "The Art of the Steal" from the library. Did I plan on creating a big scam or ripping off a bank and flying to Peru? Nope...just curious how others scammed the police and got away with it (and in some cases eventually caught). Is everyone who ever watched "Catch Me If You Can?" a suspect in a robbery case.

I find this all a bit unsettling. I'm sure if you grabbed the following information for ANYONE in the US, you can build a circumstantial case for something somewhere (as if lawyers needed more stuff to work on):

- Google searches
- Internet sites visited
- Library books borrowed
- EZPass records (automated toll booth tag)
- Credit card accounts
- Chat logs
- Wireless phone GPS coordinates
- etc.

I am starting to get the feeling that communist Russia was more lenient with respect to privacy as the US is currently...but, I don't know for a fact -- just a suspicion. And now, I assume my internet logs will be checked.... :-(

12/22/2005

Spare Change for Blogging Your News

Did you ever happen upon a newsworthy event? Have your camera-phone or PDA with you? want to earn some money reporting the news? Want me to stop asking questions and tell you the deal?

The Creative Reporter allows anyone who witnessed a newsworthy event to earn cash for reporting. Check it out!

Merry Christmas...whether you like it or not!

Are we all really that sensitive that if I wish you a Merry Christmas and your either areligious, jewish, or whatever, that you would get offended? Seriously?

A great article by Anthony Cerminaro from BizzBangBuzz states my sentiments exactly. He states:


I avoid using the sappy, vapid phrase "Happy Holidays." I much prefer greeting others with "Merry Christmas" and, the more traditional, "Season's Greetings."

I find it hard to understand how anyone could be offended by such a greeting. For instance, many of my friends and colleagues are Jewish, and I am relatively certain that none of them has ever been offended by hearing a hearty "Merry Christmas" greeting from me. Nor am I offended when I am wished a joyous and happy new year when Rosh Hashana rolls around. If someone is wishing for me happiness and blessings, then I am all for it.

... and later ...

Some would distort freedom of religion into freedom from religion. They take offense at anything that does not accord with their own beliefs – or lack of belief. They insist that the nation revolve around them...

Is there too much happiness in the world? Is there a shortage of sadness and grief? Does hearing "Joy to the world" really cause a problem?

Is there too much friendship in the world? Is there a deficiency of hatred and strife? Does "Peace on earth, good will toward men" really sound oppressive?...

Is there too much fellowship in the world? Is there a dearth of hostility and ill will? Does a hearty "Merry Christmas!" really give offense?

Is there too much light in the world? Is there a scarcity of darkness and gloom? Do pretty lights really cause distress?

A wise man said that it is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. But what would he have thought of those who curse the candle?"


You go, boy!

And to everyone else: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

12/19/2005

Today's Definition: Politics

Poli-tics:
Greek origin;

Poli = many,
tics = ugly, blood-sucking insects

12/14/2005

Rome institutes a Porno Tax

Give unto ceasar:

"ROME (Reuters) - Italy's cash-strapped government has decided to hike taxes on one of the country's few vibrant industries, pornography, to help rein in the burgeoning budget deficit, government sources told Reuters Tuesday.

The "porno-tax," which imposes an additional levy of 25 percent on all income from pornography, is contained in a package of amendments to the 2006 budget to presented in the Chamber of Deputies Tuesday or Wednesday, the sources said.

Under the amendment, subscribers to hard core television channels must also pay additional value-added tax of 10 percent. Altogether, the tougher tax-treatment of porn should bring the government some 300 million euros next year." -----

I think the funny part is that they are charging a Value Added Tax (VAT) on porno. What is the value added? Is it the photoshop airbrushing to remove the wrinkles, scars, and bad teeth? Here is something interesting to consider: How much do you think the US could make doing this? Do you think that we could fund the social security deficit?

You Know You're Lazy When...


When you can't even expend the effort to stir your d@mn coffee!
You can buy this product for the sloths in your family for Christmas at THIS WEBSITE.

12/09/2005

Bad Christmas Gifts

A Choice magazine survey of nearly 12,000 people found the worst 9 presents to give for Christmas were:
- electric ice shaver
- ice cream maker
- foot spa
- electric can openers
- aromatherapy diffusers
- hair removal appliances
- heated rollers
- hair curling wands
- deli-slicers

I would now like to add one of my own thoughts here.
I know you can't get your virginity back - but now (men) you can get your foreskin back (I'm serious). But I would not recommend giving someone the artifical foreskin for Christmas.

12/08/2005

What to do with all that Junk Mail?

Turn it into modern decor - specifically venetian blinds.
HERE's HOW

12/07/2005

Saved by the Bell

Are you constantly getting called into useless meetings? Do people just seem to come up to you while you're trying to work and yammer away? Are there just some people you don't want to talk to? (We told you not to date your co-workers dumbhead!)

Well - now there is relief!
Go to Ring4Freedom to be saved!
For a small monthly fee, you can set up scheduled calls (for that weekly status meeting) or have it ring your cell phone immediately. You can then tell your colleagues/relatives/strangers that "I have to take this...it's gonna be a while."

Good Luck and --- oops, that's my phone -- gotta go!

12/03/2005

Ad ** Host 2 Domains with Free Wordpress Blogging $2.95/mo

Sorry but I've been using these guys for years and I still have yet to find a better hosting account for the same or less money.

$2.95/Month Multiple Domain Web Hosting!

12/02/2005

A True Problem Solver (parable)

A wise man rode into a desert village one evening as the sun was setting.
Dismounting from his camel, he asked one of the villagers for a drink of water.
‘Of course,’ said the villager and gave him a cup of water.
The traveller drank the whole cupful. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Can I help you at
all before I travel on?’

‘Yes,’ said the young man. ‘We have a dispute in our family. I am the youngest of three brothers. Our father died recently, God rest his soul, and all he possessed was a small herd of camels. Seventeen, to be exact. He decreed in his will that one half of the herd was to go to my oldest brother, one third to the middle brother and one ninth to me. But how can we divide a herd of 17? We do not want to chop up any camels, they are worth far more alive.’

‘Take me to your house,’ said the sage.

When he entered the house he saw the other two brothers and the man’s
widow sitting around the fire arguing. The youngest brother interrupted them
and introduced the traveller.

‘Wait,’ said the wise man, ‘I think I can help you.Here, I give you my camel as
a gift. Now you have 18 camels. One half goes to the eldest, that’s nine camels.
One third goes to the middle son, that’s six camels. And one ninth goes to my
friend here, the youngest son. That’s two.’

‘That’s only 17 altogether,’ said the youngest son.
‘Yes. By a happy coincidence, the camel left over is the one I gave to you. If
you could possibly give it back to me, I will continue on my journey.’
And he did.

12/01/2005

Geek Pickup Lines

Here are my favorite geek pickup lines as found on BBspot board.

I don't mean to disturb you, but Heisenberg's Uncertainly Principle said I already did that by observing you.

You make me want to be an honest man, and register all my shareware.

Do you prefer the static or expanding universe theory more? Because, since I first saw you, I'm expanding.

What's a nice girl like you doing on an unsecured webcam like this?

I have so much love to give you'll have to pipe it through more.

I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.

Girl, I wish I was your differential, because then I'd be touching all your curves.

I'd switch to emacs for you.

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?

By looking at you I can tell you're 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.

I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.

They don't call me Bones because I'm a doctor.

Want to see my Red Hat?

You had me at "Hello World."

11/29/2005

Another Industry that Should Die

Greeting Cards
Seriously. I know that guys aren't big on this stuff anyway - but now it's REALLY getting annoying. I went to the card store to by three cards the other day (birthday, anniversary, and baby) and I dropped over $12!! For what?! It's bad enough they have to kill trees to make this stuff, but twelve dollars! How much are you paying the guys who come up with the cute sayings and lame poems on these things?

Send an e-card - it will save the forest. And if you really like paper and snail mail, make your own card or write a note by hand; it's more personal anyway. And you can save your money for something better...like playoff tickets.

You Know You're Fat When...

Americans are definitely getting fatter.
We've all heard the yo' mama so fat jokes (e.g., Yo mama so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds.) Well, Here is a news article from Reuters:

Longer Needles Needed for Fatter Butts
CHICAGO (Reuters) - Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday.

Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.

Two-thirds of the 50 patients in the study did not receive the full dosage of the drug, which instead lodged in the fat tissue of their buttocks, researchers from The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin said in a presentation to the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America.

Besides patients receiving less than the correct drug dosage, medications that remain lodged in fat can cause infection or irritation, researchers Victoria Chan said.

"There is no question that obesity is the underlying cause. We have identified a new problem related, in part, to the increasing amount of fat in patients' buttocks," Chan said.

11/18/2005

Did you ever wonder if those aluminum foil helmets really work?

Look now more! Finally, here is an Empirical Study of their effectiveness from none other than the (arguably) finest technical institute in the USA, MIT.

Now I am safe from Government control, UFO alien mind altering, and other "bad" things.

11/16/2005

Unusual Items for the Office

First visit the office supply store Stooples "Office Tools for Hopeless Fools". It includes such goodies as:
* A Rumor Mill
* Sissy Wrist Rests
* Typo Whip
* Downsizing LSD

and more.

After that - go to the Despair.com for some demotivators ala Dilbert. Here you can buy office products with such sayings as:
* Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
* Get To Work - You're not being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
* Idiocy - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
* Meetings - None of us is as dumb as all of us.

11/15/2005

The Grossest Toy Ever - The Spit Brothers

The Spit Brothers - Joined at the saliva since birth (yuk)

How to Make a Killer Product

Last year it was home tattoo kits, coffee-flavored cigars, and anything golf. This year if you want to create a product that will sell like hotcakes for Christmas, just do one or more of the following:

* Put "i" in front of your product and make sure that an iPod either connects to it, enhances it, or at least can be placed near it. For example, the iCanOpener, iPlunger, and the new Seeing iDog. Also, don't forget the iBuzz Vibrator (a real product).

* Make sure it works with Hybrid power technology or gets 50 miles per gallon. Example is the new PSP video game that runs off of hybrid power from pigeon droppings.

* Make sure there is a picture of Sponge Bob.

* Use the old standby of "sex sells." This works best in conjunction with one of the other above ideas, e.g. iBuzz and the new Barbie Loves Sponge Bob toy. {Rumor has it there will be a Porn star Barbie - be on the look out.}

11/14/2005

Early Christmas Ideas (I swear these are real)

It's never too early to start thinking about getting your Christmas shopping done.

Here are this year's cool new ideas for gifts - especially for those who have everything:

The R/C Graffiti Writer - for the liitle hoodlum you love so much you don't want him to get caught.

The Office Prankster is also remote controlled. Hide the remote speaker under someone's desk; gather 'round your officemates and watch the fun.

Another way to look dorky. If your friend/relative/SO already has that wireless cell phone-thingy attached to his/her ear - here is something for you to get for their iPod: Wireless Earbuds. This should hold him over until they can surgically implant speakers into his head ("this one goes to 11.")

Here's one for that future alcoholic in your life: The Bottle Blaster which allows you to hide some hooch for those times when a little discretion is needed...like, around children, church, or appearing in court.

Do you live with someone who is a slob? Tired of cleaning off the table with their piles of cr@p? Check out the Table That Clears Itself. Why didn't I think of that?

And you've heard the expression "As cold as a witch's tit"? well - there's no need for that anymore! Yes, it's the Heated Bra (see photo) - Get one for the witch in your life. I'm surprised the Japanese invented this one...I would have put my money on the Swedes.

11/11/2005

Genetic Mutations I Would Like to See...

Since they are getting close to being able to manipulate our genetic code to create and modify us to become better, faster, stronger (just like the 6 million dollar man) - I would like to put in my requests for the following:

1) How about making our snot smell like Vicks Vapor Rub, then we would never have a stuffed nose!

2) Change our taste buds so everything tastes like chocolate! Then it would be easy to stay on a tofu-only diet, and we would all be skinnier and healthier. Plus, I would suspect that women might like this for another reason ;-)

11/10/2005

Funny but True Classified Ads

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
[Is this an ad from Al Qaeda?]

German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
[I don't want any dog smarter than me!]

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
[Here's a gift for my neighbors!]

For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
[So that's about 65,000% off list price!]

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!
[At least it's better than last week's free sample of Syphillis!]

Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb
[So where did the baked Alaska come from?]

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
[I think I know where this place is!]

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
[Please send photo first...]

Stock up and save. Limit: one.
[It better be a really big one.]

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
[So does this make them "honest" used car guys?]

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
[Do you have a catalog?]

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
[So much for the smoked beef in vodka sauce.]

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
[The scary thing is this ad is in the paper every week - he must go "through" a lot of assistants!]

11/07/2005

Things to Ponder

If a person who plays the piano called a pianist then is a person who drives a race car called a racist?

What would a mime do if he really was stuck in a glass box?

When an actor plays himself, why is he still called an actor?

Is cloud 8 really that much worse than cloud 9?

Does anybody else find it ironic that in celebration of President's Day, the government shuts down?

How do you know it's new and improved dog food?

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

Why does the Children's Tylenol bottle state 'keep away from small children'?

How come there isn't a Betty Rubble in Flintstone Vitamins?

If you work in the Doctor's office, can you call in sick?

How do you dilute water?

If evolution really works how come Mothers only have two hands?

11/02/2005

Put Words in George W's Mouth

Here is a cool site I found called Dubbya Says. It's a blog, plus a place to buy T-shirts and stuff, and all of them have W's image on them (even the ladies underwear!) -- but the cool thing is that you can change the text to say whatever you want...even something smart (as per the website).

There are some good quotes from Dubbya's many "speeches" and ad libs...
Some of the quotes already on the stuff is kinda funny; like the apron that says "Now you're cooking with oil!" or the shirt that says: "Men are from Mars, Women think I'm a penis."

Enjoy.

Evil Home Study Course

So You've Decided to Become Evil. Congratulations.

A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the forces of darkness. I think the author is Kathy Lee Gifford...but not sure.

The Internet has made our lives so much more easy and convenient, don't ya think?

I mean in the old days, I would've had to go to the creepy old ladies house in the woods, or at least the DMV -- but now I can stay in the comfort of my own home and learn the ropes.

10/24/2005

Short Sick Joke

A baby seal walks into a club...

10/17/2005

Inflation and the Bionic Man

Inflation in my father's adult years increased average prices 1,000% or more -
Example 1: a postage stamp in the 1950s cost 3 cents; today's cost is 37 cents - 1,233% inflation;
Example 2: a gallon of full-service gasoline cost 18 cents before; today it is $2.28 for self-service - 1,267 % inflation;
Example 3: a new house in 1959 averaged $14,900; today it's $282,300 - 1,795% inflation (+1,510% if quality-adjusted);
Example 4: a dental crown used to cost $40; today it's $740 - 1,750% inflation;
Example 5: an ice cream cone used to cost 5 cents; today its $2.50 - 4,900% inflation;
Example 6: monthly Medicare insurance premiums paid by seniors was $5.30 in 1970; its now $78.20 - 1,475% inflation;
Example: several generations ago a person worked 1.4 months per year to pay for government; he now works 5 months.

And in the past, one wage-earner families lived well and built savings with minimal debt, many paying off their home and college-educating children without loans.
How about today? [Reference: Grandfather Inflation Report]

If there is anything to learn from the above, it is this...
1) I should've bought an ice cream truck.
2) The show "Six Million Dollar Man" (aka Steve Austin) would have costed about 87 million today. (Here's the Theme Song) No wonder the networks won't fund anything like that now!

10/13/2005

Guess Who's Been Google-bombed?

Failure abounds all around us...
An online magazine, aptly named 'Failure', has been keeping tabs on the biggest FOTY (Failure of the Year) - so far it's (no surprise) -- the Government's response to Katrina.

But if you really want to have some fun (and know the answer to the blog entry) - go to Google and type
FAILURE
and then hit "I'm Feeling Lucky"

10/11/2005

Things You'll Never Hear in a Western

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my hair dresser!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

10/08/2005

Let's Put the 'Real' Criminals in Jail

OK - I have 2 things to say about the article below:

1) Should this woman really be spending 15 years in jail and having my tax money spent in this way - how about the owner of the place? They know who he is! Even so, I say FIRST get all the muggers, muerderers, rapists, and child molesters locked up, and then IF there is any room left over you can think about escorts. Talk about going for the low-hanging fruit

2) FYI - If your going to court and are going to plead Not Guilty to prostitution, try to dress appropriately!

--------------------------
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A $2,000 an hour prostitute known as New York's No. 1 Escort pleaded not guilty on Thursday to charges of money laundering and prostitution that stemmed from her bragging in the media about her work.

Canadian Natalia McLennan, 25, sobbed uncontrollably in Manhattan Criminal Court after she was unable to post $50,000 bail and was taken away in handcuffs to jail.

The charges against McLennan came after she bragged in several interviews about her professional exploits, including posing provocatively for the cover of New York Magazine under the headline "N.Y.'s # 1 Escort Reveals All." In that interview, she told the magazine she generated revenues of $1.5 million annually and kept 45 percent of that sum in return for having sex with high-roller clients of NY Confidential, a swanky Moroccan-themed brothel in Manhattan.

McLennan showed up for her arraignment dressed in a skimpy mini-skirt, a see-through blouse and four-inch spike heels, and told the court she had no idea she would remain in custody after the hearing. She wailed as she was taken from the courtroom. She will remain in jail pending her next hearing on Monday. She faces up to 15 years in prison if convicted.

10/07/2005

Nobel Peace Prize

Today it was announced that Mohamed ElBaradei won the Nobel Peace Prize.
How great would it be to win this prize? I'd love it; you might even say that --

I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!

The ironic thing, of course, is that the prize is named after Alfred Nobel, who invented... Dynamite.

Not so Nobel ---- (Ig Nobel)

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The inventor of artificial testicles for dogs, Nigerian Internet scammers and a team that calculated the pressures created when penguins poop ("Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defecation," an actual study published in 2003 in the journal Polar Biology) won Ig Nobel prizes for 2005 on Thursday. Gauri Nanda of the MIT, won the prize in Economics for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides.

The spoof prizes, awarded by the science humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research, are presented at a ceremony in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where the winners must try to explain their work in a minute or less.

10/05/2005

Rodney: A Tribute

In honor of the late Rodney Dangerfield, who died this day (Oct 5) last year. Here are some classic lines:

My school was tough, it had its own coroner;
In class, we used to write about what we want to be -IF- we grow up.
The neighborhood was tough too; my parents bought a waterbed and there was a guy in the bottom of it.

I don't get no respect; even as a kid.
When I was at the zoo my Dad told me to play connect the dots on the leopard.
I can't blame 'em though - I was just an ugly kid.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born!
I was so ugly that when my folks made home movies, they'd hire an actor to play me.

When I was growing up, we were poor...poor I tell ya.
Until I was six I thought Alpo was baby food.
My friends and I used to just play stick.
The only pet we could afford was dust bunnies.
We were so poor, if I wasn’t a boy I'd have nothing to play with...

---- R.I.P. Rodney

10/01/2005

Great Ads from Ireland Betting Website!

Irish bookmaker Paddy Power was fending off the wrath of Christians in overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Ireland on Friday over an advert depicting Jesus and the Apostles gambling at the Last Supper. "To abuse this image, which is central to Christian beliefs, in a vulgar advertising campaign is totally and grossly inappropriate and Paddy Power should apologize to the people." Paddy Power acknowledged it had taken a "load of flak" over the advert.

Other Ads under fire include:
Animal rights groups complained about one showing a rabbit with a missing paw and the caption, "Make Your Own Luck," while another featured two elderly ladies using Zimmer frames to cross a road with odds written above them. At the time, Power insisted it was a race to see who could cross the road first, but many saw the odds as relating to which woman would be run over by a car.

These advertisements can be seen online HERE

Santa Sues the Government

You know the world has gone crazy when even Santa Claus is cranky. But then, if he didnt get his reindeer back in time, where would we be come Christmas...?
------------------
COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - Santa Claus will receive $5,000 in compensation from the Danish air force after an F-16 fighter jet frightened one of his reindeers to death.

Professional Danish Santa Olavi Niikanoff complained to the air force after a reindeer died with fright when a jet roared over the field where his animals were grazing, air force spokesman Captain Morten Jensen told Reuters.

"We acknowledge it was our fault and we have to pay compensation," Jensen said, adding that the air force regularly paid out sums of money to compensate for animals that die of fright when planes boom overhead.

9/30/2005

Carlin on (the original) Indians

“…Now the Indians. I call them Indians because that’s what they are. They’re Indians. There’s nothing wrong with the word Indian. “First of all, it’s important to know that the word Indian does not derive from Columbus mistakenly believing he had reached ‘India.’ India was not even called by that name in 1492; it was known as Hindustan.

“More likely, the word Indian comes from Columbus’s description of the people he found here. He was an Italian, and did not speak or write very good Spanish, so in his written accounts he called the Indians, “Una gente in Dios.” A people in God. In God. In Dios. Indians. It’s a perfectly noble and respectable word.

“As far as calling them ‘Americans’ is concerned, do I even have to point out what an insult this is?
—– We steal their hemisphere, kill twenty or so million of them, destroy five hundred separate cultures, herd the survivors onto the worst land we can find, and now we want to name them after ourselves? It’s appalling. Haven’t we done enough damage? Do we have to further degrade them by tagging them with the repulsive name of their conquerors?

“You know, you’d think it would be a fairly simple thing to come over to this continent, commit genocide, eliminate the forests, dam up the rivers, build our malls and massage parlors, sell our blenders and whoopee cushions, poison ourselves with chemicals, and let it go at that. But no. We have to compound the insult.”… I’m glad the Indians have gambling casinos now. It makes me happy that dimwitted white people are losing their rent money to the Indians. Maybe the Indians will get lucky and win their country back. Probably wouldn’t want it. Look at what we did to it.”

9/28/2005

Real Estate and Logic

People in my nieghborhood are still buying McMansions for outrageous prices. Who are these people? How do they afford $5000/month mortgages and taxes? Does this make sense? If the market turns bad (which has to happen someday, no?), I think there are going to be a lot of big houses cheap :-)

As for me - I just bought a house that overlooks a golf course. It's a mini-golf course, you can see holes 2, 5, 9 and the windmill. That's about the best I can do.

9/27/2005

Life's Rich Pagent

I think it was Woody Allen who said: "Life is full of loneliness, misery, and suffering, and it's over way too soon!"

9/26/2005

Older and "Better"

I just celebrated my 30th birthday...it was ten years late, but I did it anyway.

I also noticed my first few grey hairs (gasp!)...They are at the sideburn area on the left.

They say that grey hair makes you look distinguished.
It's true - it distinguishes you from the younger people!

It's not bad having grey hair though, just ask anyone who is bald.

9/23/2005

The Narcissistic Brain

Most people agree that the brain is the most fascinating organ -
but then, look what's telling us that!

9/22/2005

'Lost'

I got stranded on a desert island once...

and My God what a great collection of albums!

Now I Can Sleep At Night...

[Getting Something Off Her Chest]
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Supermodel Tyra Banks underwent a sonogram on her own television show to quell rumors that she had breast implants. But first she ordered all the men out of the audience, a spokeswoman for her program said on Wednesday. Banks, 31, told the audience for her syndicated talk show on Tuesday that she was tired of rumors that her breasts were fake.

A plastic surgeon (Fischer) and an assistant performed a sonogram in front of the audience that was broadcast with certain part of Banks' anatomy blacked out. Fischer said, "I've performed approximately 8,000 breast implant surgeries, I've examined you, I've reviewed your sonogram ... and Tyra Banks has natural breasts."

[Back to the Old Grind]
NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - In a sign that things may be returning to normal in New Orleans, strip shows are back in the city's famous French Quarter. Erotic dancers and strippers are entertaining crowds of police, firefighters and military personnel instead of the usual audiences of drunken conventioneers and tourists in Bourbon Street's Deja Vu club, which reopened this week.

It's the first strip joint to resume business, three weeks after Hurricane Katrina struck in the worst natural disaster ever to hit the United States. "It's nice to get back to work, and all these men need some entertainment," Dawn Beasley, 27, a dancer at the club, said on Tuesday night. "They haven't seen anybody but their buddies for two weeks."

[Dangerous Curves]
SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - Two high-class brothels hoping to attract racers and pit crews in Sunday's Brazilian Grand Prix were shut down after they posted sexually explicit advertisements on 30 billboards around South America's largest city. Prostitution in Brazil is legal, but pimping is not.

9/21/2005

This Week's Definition - Jury

In light of the recent Gotti trial, I present the definition for the week:

Jury: 12 people who decide who has the better lawyer.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television

Seems like every new drama on television that I've seen so far tries to emulate one of the following shows:
* CSI
* Lost/X-Files combo
* Sex in the City meets Friends

And seriously people, is "Dance with the Stars" really as hot as the networks say it is? Who are you people that are watching this show? Please...STOP IT!!

9/13/2005

New Orleans Gets Back to Business (almost)

It's good to know with all the devastation surrounding New Orleans regarding Katrina that the Big Easy has its priorities straight. There may be no food, water, or electricity, but it looks like at least one strip club owner wants to get back to work. Besides, you just have to trust a guy named 'Saint' don't ya?
---------------------

NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - There's no water for the "wash the girl of your choice" service and there aren't any girls either, but Big Daddy's strip club on New Orleans' Bourbon Street is getting ready to bring back erotic spectacle to the devastated city.

Friday night on Bourbon Street, usually a throbbing artery of the party-going French Quarter, was pretty grim this time around in what has become a foul-smelling ghost town partly covered with a swamp of filthy water. Police patrol cars and military Humvees made up most of the traffic on the street.

But Big Daddy's general manager, Saint Jones, and a band of helpers defied an evacuation order by arriving to clean up their premises in the historic French Quarter, which escaped largely unscathed from the floods. Jones told Reuters he would open for business as soon as he could get electricity, water and dancers. (gee, is that all?)

9/12/2005

Dubbya versus Katrina

The news actually gets it right sometimes....





Bush said when life gives you lemons.....make the most of it and create iced tea...or go fishing....

9/09/2005

One More Depressing Thing...

Getting older is not fun of course...and one thing I have never had to worry about is my weight. I was always able to eat whatever and keep my waistline the same. Well, the times they are a changin'
I don't even own a scale, but when I got on one at a relatives house last week, I realized that I gained 7 pounds since the last time I looked and I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life...
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. I feel so out of shape...and I have never been one for exercise...
My bellybutton has an echo for Christ's sake!

On the way driving home I noticed my ABS light in my car is on; I think it's telling me to work on my Abs. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a good body, just not as much as I want dessert.

I really hate gyms...all the mindless exercise like biking to nowhere, or climbing stairs that lead nowhere...and I'd lift weights, except they’re so darn heavy.
If I join a gym I want a beer holder on the stairmaster, and a buffet by the soda machines.

I will have to just cut back on food I guess.....

9/07/2005

Really Cool Internet Resources

Every once in a while I like to mention a few internet sites and tools that I find very useful or fun, because keeping them to myself would be just...well, selfish. So here are 6 cool things to try:

(1)Most of you probably already know about Flickr! They host your photos for free, allow sharing, commenting, organizing/tagging, and provide a way to easily upload to your blogger entries. You can even post directly from your camera cell phone.

(2)A similar service is OurMedia.org. Here is what they say about themselves: "We'll host your media forever — for free. Video blogs, photo albums, home movies, podcasting, digital art, documentary journalism, home-brew political ads, music videos, audio interviews, digital storytelling, children's tales, Flash animations, student films, mash-ups — all kinds of digital works."

(3)A very cool collaborative service is BackPack. It allows easy creation of multi-media pages for any purpose under the sun: Organize to do lists, notes, images, and photos, Plan a personal or business trip, Keep track of what your competitors are doing, Plan a home improvement project, Collaborate on a new business idea, Keep track of houses you're considering buying, Gather information for a research project, Keep a list of gift ideas for friends, Build a For Sale page, etc.

(4)I have been looking for a good systray note taking application for years (a free one of course). Well, I finally found it with Evernote. It allows multi-media note taking at the touch of a button, as well as search and categorizing. If you get the paid version you can have handwriting recognition as well.

(5)If you use Google's Gmail, you know you get over 2GB of space. If your like me, most of that is wasted. So, I use it to save my files with a free gmail shell extension. This allows me to synchronize files between laptops and desktop easily. The plugin provides easy access to Gmail via Windows Explorer.

(6) Finally, all work and no play...well, you know the rest. Anyway, when I was younger I used to play guitar, and I really miss it, but alas, I am now out of practice. Well, if you want to be Eddie Van Halen, watch an interesting animated plot, learn guitar, and have a great time living out your fantasies, check out Mr. Fastfinger. Have fun!

9/06/2005

A Product that Could Change Womens' and Mens' Lives

Here is a device that could change the lives of women (and indirectly men) everywhere!

A Device that allows women to pee standing up!

Now, if women can pee standing up, they can put urinals in the ladies room and there would be no more lines, and indirectly, us guys wouldn't have to wait so long for the women to get back from the restroom!

Also, if your both coming home from that late night drinking session, no need to find a "clean" place to sit for your woman - she can now just pee against the nearest wall like you; think of the togetherness this will instill in your relationship.

There is some concern here though guys. We are losing the one thing we had over women -- they had the giving birth thing -- we had the pee standing up thing; that was the deal. Now we won't even be able to claim an assured victory in the "write your name in the snow" contests anymore (although we do have more practice)...

I am concerned that now since women can have babies using frozen sperm, buy vibrators, and earn plenty of dough on their own, that we men are on the way out. Essentially, all that is needed is for someone to invent a machine that kills household spiders upon hearing a scream, and we will be officially useless. Smoke 'em while you got 'em boys!

We can at least find some comfort that we carry "ours" wherever we go, and the women could easily leave theirs at home, or in their other purse. Although I dread to hear one woman ask another: "Blanch, can I borrow your p-mate, I left mine at home..."

A Worthy Cause....

Please check out Giving Globally -
http://www.givingglobally.org

9/02/2005

Microsoft Turd

If you are tired of fighting with Microsoft Word here are some ideas for the next release that may actually be helpful. If you can't see the image clearly, just clik on it for a full size image.

New Word Menus:



Hidden Settings You Knew Were There Somewhere:



Better Help from Clippy:

8/31/2005

How Do You Know When Your Old?

I recently celebrated my 30th birthday...it was ten years late...but I celebrated it anyway. So I bought a lottery ticket.

In my previous post I stated that some people are too old to win the lottery...but I got questions on how do you know if you're too old to win... so here are some criteria or "tests" that I found to determine whether you should be allowed to play or not:

You are too old to win the lottery if more than one of these apply to you:
- If you are asked to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
- If work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.
- If people keep telling you how good you look (and never did before).
- If they discontinue your blood type.
- If your birth certificate is a scroll of papyrus.
- If your walker has an airbag.
- If the Dead Sea was only sick when you were young.
- If you bend over to tie your shoes and then figure out what else to do while you're down there.

Remember - only old people say: "Age is only a number."

8/30/2005

Old Folks and the Lottery

The article below proves that old people should not be allowed to win the lottery! If your 89 and win millions, and all you want are new panty hose and a Lincoln Continental - your not thinking! First of all, your probably too old to be driving anyway, get off the road -- second, your 89!!! Your not gonna live that much longer, spend it baby, spend it! These folks are not even moving out of their retirement home? You can buy yourself a nice little property in Florida, hire a maid, health care worker, gardner, and everything - and dont forget all the relatives who will be suddenly interested in "visiting"! I think this couple should just send me the money and I'll buy them the car and the hosiery and throw in a fruit basket!


Here's the Article:
-------------------
TORONTO (Reuters) - An 89-year-old couple who won a C$7.5 million lottery jackpot plan to keep living in their retirement home and perhaps splurge on a new pair of nylons for her and a Lincoln car for him.

Thelma and Victor Hayes, who have been married for 63 years, had played the same numbers for years but decided to go for a quick pick of random figures for the August 6 draw, Canadian media reported Tuesday.

The pair, who both turn 90 soon and have two daughters, said they were unlikely to become giddy high spenders.

"No plans, except I'm getting a new pair of nylons," Thelma Hayes said. Her husband was a little more bold: "I'd like a Lincoln, if I can find one that's suitable."

The Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation said the Hayes are one of the oldest couples to win a big jackpot.

8/29/2005

FOOD for Thought

Rice is great when you want to eat 2000 of something.

My mother served leftovers for 30 years - the interesting thing is that no one ever found the original meal.

I order club sandwiches all the time, and I'm not even a member - I dont know how I get away with it.

8/27/2005

I Hate Lawnmowers!

I've gone through more lawn mower problems in the last 2 years than most people have in a lifetime - I must be a jinx. I have a gash in my front rider mower tire, so I bought a new tube and tire. I asked the guy how to take off the old one from the wheel and he said just use 2 screwdrivers. Two hours later I still don't have that damn tire off - and I have no idea how I will get the new one on without busting the tube.

I feel like going over to that hardware store and giving that guy 2 screwdrivers - but I won't tell you where I'd like to put them....

I hope you all have a better weekend than me!

8/26/2005

Money for Life

Today I made a realization: I have enough money to last the rest of my life, as long as I don't buy anything.

I'm not sure if that makes me depressed or happy? No matter how tough things get though, I always feel rich when I go to the dollar store. The only problem is how many oven mitts and plastic utensils do i really need?

8/22/2005

Thoughts on Home Repair

As far as I'm concerned, home repair projects come in 2 types:
1) those too big to tackle, and
2) those too small to bother with
Whenever there is a repair project and it cant be fixed with duct tape, or WD-40 it's a female problem.

Eventually though there are some things that can be ignored no longer and must be taken care of...you know like leaking gas, broken windows, the bees nest in the bedroom, and when all the toilets are clogged.

So I hope to have all these items taken care of BEFORE football season starts...because once that happens - everything can come crumbling down, and I probably won't get to it until February.

Cheers

8/16/2005

More Things That Hurt My Brain...

What's the shelf life of a shelf?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your life flashes in front of you does it include all the time you spent in traffic?

How young can you die of old age?

What does a sesame seed grow into?

What do you send to a sick florist?

Does a plumber have to wash his hands before going back to work?

During a lunar eclipse, do werewolves only have sideburns and a goatee?

8/10/2005

More Things That Keep Me Up at Night...

If a rabbit breaks a mirror does it get bad luck even though it has 4 rabbit's feet?

Do hearses get to use the carpool lane?

Why isn't there mice-flavored cat food?

Can you pawn a chess set?

Is it against the law to counterfeit monopoly money?

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

8/04/2005

Things to Ponder

If you had a million Shakepeares, could they write like a monkey?

Why do they call them buildings, it looks finished, why not call them "builts"?

If you think the average person is stupid, then realize that half are dumber than that.

If youre 25 and sleeping on Star Wars sheets, the force is not with you.

7/27/2005

Some Interesting "Facts"

It's been found that research causes cancer in rats.

Swallowing small amounts of saliva over an extended period causes death.

Never fight with an ugly person they have nothing to lose.

The road to success is always under construction.

Time used to fly; now it' afraid of terrorists.

Two wrongs dont make a right; but three lefts do.

7/25/2005

Joke: Watch where you sit...

After purchasing movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, the woman went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews had started. He stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and started kissing his girlfriend.

Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."

7/24/2005

Thought for the Day

Love people. Use things.
Not the other way around...

7/20/2005

Star Trek's James Doohan Dies

This guy seemed to have a great life - he had a baby at age 80 (so you know his latest wife is pretty young).... I say farewell Scotty; and we should all be able tell people "I'm giving 'er all I got..."

LOS ANGELES -
James Doohan, the burly chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in the original "Star Trek" TV series and movies who responded to the command "Beam me up, Scotty," died Wednesday. He was 85.

Doohan died at 5:30 a.m. at his Redmond, Wash., home with his wife of 28 years, Wende, at his side, Los Angeles agent and longtime friend Steve Stevens said. The cause of death was pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease, he said. He had said farewell to public life in August 2004, a few months after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

He landed on Juno beach on D-Day and crossed a minefield laid for tanks; the soldiers weren't heavy enough to detonate the bombs. At 11:30 that night, he was machine-gunned, taking six hits: one that took off his middle right finger (he managed to hide the missing finger on screen), four in his leg and one in the chest. Fortunately the chest bullet was stopped by his silver cigarette case.

In a 1998 interview, Doohan was asked if he ever got tired of hearing the line "Beam me up, Scotty."

"I'm not tired of it at all," he replied. "Good gracious, it's been said to me for just about 31 years. It's been said to me at 70 miles an hour across four lanes on the freeway. I hear it from just about everybody. It's been fun."

7/19/2005

Today's Definition

Taxpayers -
Those who don't have to take the civil service test to work for the Government.

7/15/2005

I work for a good cause...

'cause I need the money

7/14/2005

Keeping it Fresh

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive this weekend - so we took a drive to the gas station. She said that wasn't what she had in mind. Then we realized we were almost out of gas and so instead of buying any (no cash) - we went back home.

But we did spice things up a little; we switched positions.
In other words, she laid on the couch with the remote, and I did the dishes.

Rhyming Quote

Attention with intention gets results of worthy mention...

7/13/2005

Truism #33

"If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap"

7/12/2005

Do you think kids watch too much TV?

I was showing a picture book to my 4-year old niece the other day. There was a picture of a duck. I asked her 'What does a duck say?'

She said, 'AFLAC!'

7/11/2005

Seeing the Bright Side

As George Carlin said: "Some say the glass is 1/2 empty, some say its 1/2 full, I say it's too big!" Translation - It's all about lowering your expectations folks, or at least trying real hard to find a bright side.

For example, you might say: "The cost of living is too high!"
I say: "Right now prices are as low as they'll ever be!"

You might say: "I'm dying! I won't last another six hours..."
I say: "Boo hoo, at least you dont have to go to work tomorrow."

You might say: "I went to college and the only job I can get is a circus clown!"
I say: "At least you never have to worry about how your hair looks!"

Remember, everything happens for a reason - even if the reason is to make your life miserable.

Cheers!

Today's Quote

"Deja Moo - The feeling you've heard this BULL before"

7/10/2005

Thought for Yesterday

There is no such thing as an unrealistic goal;
only an unrealistic timeframe.

7/07/2005

Joke: Sometimes it's OK to lose....

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said,

"We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but we know who it was."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

Strange Thought #34

It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7/06/2005

Too Many Bottles of Beer on the Wall

The other day at a party I heard those famous lines being sung by a crowd who apparently drank all 100 beers that used to be on the wall:

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer -

Take one down, pass it around,

98 bottles of beer on the wall."


Now, maybe it's just me (it usually is) but this practice sounds very unhygenic. I mean take down one beer, sip it and pass it to the next guy? God only knows what I'll catch! I mean, if you went to someone's house and they had a refrigerator full of beer, and they said, let's just take one out at a time and share it before we open the next one - what would you think of that? I'd say 'I'll have an Iced Tea please.' Also, assuming there are 10 people at this hypothetical party, if you take ten bottles of beer down at once and pass those around, the stupid song would be over in no time!

Again - This is all just my opinion, I could be an idiot.

7/05/2005

Important (not) Question

If there was an Earthquake on Mars, what would they call it?

7/01/2005

Life Imitates Art - (subtitle: I can't believe he bathed in the toilet!)

NAIROBI (Reuters) - A man who has lived for more than a year at Nairobi's international airport to protest being denied entry to Britain has finally been granted U.K. citizenship and plans to fly there within days.

In a real-life African version of Tom Hanks' 2004 Hollywood hit "The Terminal," Sanjai Shah, 43, has been eating cafeteria food, sleeping on plastic transit lounge chairs, and showering in arrival hall toilets(!) since May of last year.

His morning alarm is the dawn announcement advising the safe landing of the first flight. "It's like a second home here. All the staff know me, they're very friendly," Shah told Reuters. "But it hasn't been easy. The chairs are uncomfortable to sleep on. And the food is bad." [I'll bet he dropped about a million dollars on that food too! - Mike]

Shah obtained a British Overseas Citizen passport since he was born in Kenya when it was under colonial rule. But when he flew to England without a return ticket or sufficient funds, he was deported with "prohibited immigrant" stamped in his passport -- negating the document. By then he had renounced Kenyan citizenship because local law prohibits dual nationality, so found himself in limbo and decided to stay at the airport outside Nairobi.

Now, however, Shah's ordeal -- which British authorities say was largely self-inflicted -- looks to be over. The High Commission has decided in principle to grant him full UK citizenship, pending a "citizenship ceremony." With that scheduled for July 12, he could be on a plane out the next day.

6/30/2005

Carpe Diem

Yesterday is History,
Tomorrow is a Mystery,
Today is a Gift,
That is why they call it "The Present"

6/23/2005

Car Rental Companies are Morons

Why is it I will rent a mid-size car a week in advance from Avis, Hertz, or other car rental company -- and when I get there they dont have any cars for me in that class? They tell me "We can upgrade you for just $4/day"
"No, I want the one I reserved."
"We'll put you in a minivan for the same price." "I dont want a minivan." "But it's an upgrade."
"Not to me."
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait then..."
WHAT!?!

Seinfeld was right: They know how to take the reservation, but they dont know how to keep the reservation -- which is the most important part!

Can you imagine showing up to a hotel after a long flight and they say they dont have any rooms - even though you have a reservation. Well we can update you to the luxury suite for just an extra $100/day. Well, what about if we just give you the handicap room for the same price. All we have are smoking rooms, but you can't have your kids in the room - they'll have to stay in the lobby.

I think they should institute the same deal the hotels have - you make a reservation and show up, and if you dont, you have to either cancel in advance or pay the day's cost! How hard is that?

....Morons....

6/22/2005

Words that don't get used enough

Here are some words I feel deserve more exposure; please try and use at least one each day this week -- Thank You.

* Stint
* Fisticuffs
* Insouciant
* Radish
* Magillacuddy
* Zygote

6/21/2005

An All Southern Exposure

Here's an interesting thought (to me at least):
In the USA, there is a timezone change about every 15 degrees of longitude. We have four timezones in the lower 48...
So if you were at the North Pole where all of the lines of longitude meet - What timezone are you in? All of them? Does time stand still at the Pole? Can I get all of the primetime broadcasts at any time of day? What do I set my watch to?
Does this hurt anyone else's brain?

Who wants to be President?

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

-- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

6/20/2005

I H8 People (Rants & Research)

I know this has happened to you - unless you live alone in a cabin in upper Montana with just your gun, axe, and animals for "friends" (can you say Una-bomber?) You're at work or driving home, or just anywhere and someone ticks you off for the Xth time that day and, either in your mind you think--or if it's really bad, you say it outloud--"I hate people!"

I know that 99% of the time you don't really mean it (do you?) but it feels good to say it once in a while. So just for fun and procrastination, I like to Google phrases like that: I put in "I Hate People" and came up with some interesting finds...

Memorial Website for Comedian Bill Hicks is titled "People Who Hate People HQ" (his bio is here)

Here's a Blog Entry from Dean's World

Another Blog Entry - A Female This Time!

An Maybe the most introspective of all is this image.

Of Course there is a Website Called Simple Hatred that has T-Shirts for all occasions including:I Hate Carbs, I Hate Arbor Day, I Hate Golf, I Hate Canada, and the confusing, I Hate Gravy. Of course there is one on today's topic as well - I Hate People

I find it somewhat disturbing that doing online research actually calms me down (can you say "geek"?), especially when I see how much more crazy other folks are, and maybe now I don't hate people...

But you know what I do hate though...The way the word "people" is spelled. Whose ideas was it to put an 'O' in there? Why not peeple, or peaple, or even peiple. Almost any other vowel would have worked, but they had to pick the 'O' for crying out loud.

"Here's the Church, Here's the Steople." - See how dumb it looks?

By the way, other than 'steeple', does anything else rhyme with people? I used an an online rhyming dictionary and found no other words other than surnames (doesn't count in Scrabble, so it doesn't count here).

Anyway - I feel better now. Peace, Love, & Harmony to all :-))

6/14/2005

Jumping to Conclusions (Joke)

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

6/08/2005

Body Parts, Death, & Sex in the News

Body Parts from the Sky
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Pieces of a man's body fell from the wheel well of a South African Airways passenger plane bound for John F. Kennedy International Airport Tuesday and landed in the yard of a suburban home, police said.

A U.S. customs inspector discovered the rest of the man's body at 7:30 a.m. (1130 GMT) after Flight 203 landed in New York from Johannesburg, South Africa, said a spokesman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which oversees area airports.

A South African Airways spokeswoman said it appeared to have been a stowaway attempt. She said the plane had stopped in Dakar, Senegal, on its way to New York.

The pilot reported feeling vibrations at takeoff but conducted a check and found nothing amiss, said Nassau County, New York, police detective Kevin Smith.

During the flight, Smith said the pilot felt more "vibrating sensations and heard pounding, but nothing appeared wrong with the plane."

The body parts, which included the right leg, part of the spine and a hip, struck a garage roof of the home in South Floral Park, New York, before landing in the backyard, police said.

Apartment full of desiccated corpses
MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russian police have found four people from three generations of the same family dead in their apartment where they had lain for at least two years.

A spokesman for Moscow city prosecutors told local media skeletons were all that remained of the man and three women who seemed to have died at different times in the past decade.

"The oldest family member, a grandfather born in 1912, died about 10 years ago. Five years later his wife, who was born in 1914, died," the spokesman told Interfax news agency.

"The deaths of the others, a daughter born in 1942, and a grand-daughter born in 1971, also came at different times."

Itar-Tass news agency quoted neighbors as saying the dead people had been secretive members of a religious sect.

Police were called to the apartment after complaints the family had not paid utility bills for two years. They broke down the door when there was no answer to repeated calls.

First Ther was Fast Food...
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German city is rushing to install a series of drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for next year's Soccer World Cup and an expected boom in the local sex trade, a city official said Wednesday.

5/31/2005

Today's Thought on Life

"If you are willing to only do what is easy, life will be hard. But if you are willing to do what's hard, life will be easy." - T. Harv. Eker

5/19/2005

Two Old Dude Jokes

JOKE #1
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

JOKE #2

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago.

5/17/2005

Where do you stand politically?

Here's an interesting online (anonymous) quiz. Determine how you stand on economic issues (Left/Right) and Government control (Facist vs Libertarian) issues.

Visit - http://www.politicalcompass.org/

My Score was:
Economic Left/Right: -1.50
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -2.56

What does this mean? Here are some graphical depictions--

Example:


My Score is closest to Ghandi, which actually surprises me.

Point of note: Some of the questions are worded with double negatives or in such a way that you have to be careful on whether you choose Agree/Disagree, since you may be picking the opposite of what you really meant.

5/13/2005

Some thoughts on marriage...

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Behind every successful man, stands a woman; and behind her stands his wife.

Husband (def.): a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

5/12/2005

Top 5 signs that you are too drunk

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

2. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

3. Star Jones looks good.

4. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

5. You fall off the floor.

5/11/2005

Guns don't kill people...

[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

[Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

How Light Sabers Work

The fantastic site - 'How Stuff Works' finally has an entry for you Star Wars fans:
How a Light Saber Works.

5/09/2005

Silent but Deadly - for Real !!

Something I came across on the Internet dated circa 1997:

[Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage. It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

5/01/2005

More Words of WizDum

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
Never leave a party early, or else you might become the life of it!
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Five Biggest Computers in the World

The top-5 (top 500 actually) biggest, most powerful computers can be found at http://www.top500.org/lists/2004/11/, and so far US is still #1! Although I hear the Dutch are hot on our heels..

4/30/2005

4/28/2005

More Things That Hurt My Brain...

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4/26/2005

Stuff I had saved and didn't know what to do with...

Here are some tidbits I had saved for no good reason...so like like the guy who cleans out the junk in his garage and tries to give it to his neighbors:

Try to Use at Least One of These Sayings Today--
1) As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
2) She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo.
3) As tight as a Camels ass in a Sand-storm.
4) As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

4/25/2005

True Things People Said

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown

4/14/2005

Bad Food Combos (#1)

I found a really nasty food combo today, so I'm going to warn you about it in case you're as dumb as I am and decide to try it.

Curry and Coffee.

I went to a curry restaurant and ordered the Chicken Curry (hot) and some rice. It was also quite cold that day so in addition to the glass of water I ordered some coffee. I drank half of the coffee by the time the food came. So I started eating...
After I decided it would be a shame to waste good coffee - so I finished it

It was bad....

4/09/2005

Historical Use of the "F" word

The "F" word - no, I'm not talking about Family here - it's the one you first thought of....people use it today so much, most of the time it is in appropriate or not needed at all. However, there have been times in the past that its use was very justified.
Let's review:

TOP FIVE TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the F--- was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these F---ing Indians come from?"
- General Custer

"I don't suppose it's gonna F---ing rain."
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered F---ing showers...my ass!"
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a F---ing hole in my head!"
-JFK

Plus a Bonus:
"Aw, c'mon, who the F--- is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton

4/08/2005

How things change after marriage...

Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.

4/05/2005

Make money off of your teenager

Did your teen start driving? Do they drive as bad as you were afraid they might? worse?
Want to make a few bucks off of their poor driving to compensate for the increase in your insurance?

Try this idea out -
Get a 900 number, and then have a bumper sticker made that says: "Don't like my driving? Call 1-900-XXXXXX" and put it on the back of his/her car.

You can make $1 a minute with these 900 numbers! At that rate some of you should be able to retire in a few years!

3/26/2005

Some things to think about...

Albert Einstein once said, “Everyone has two choices. We’re either full of love--or full of fear.”

“You are where you are because you want to be there. If you want to be somewhere else, you’ll change.”

Definition of Insanity: "Continuing to do the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

3/17/2005

St. Patty Jokes

Most Irish jokes seem to involve drinking, wives, and on occasion lepruchans. Here are few oldies:

Joke 1-
McCarthy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McCarthy had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Joke 2-
On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

3/10/2005

Funeral Songs are All the Rage...

Some people spend a lot of time trying to figure out their wedding song, but now a poll in the UK and Europe of over 20,000 came up with the these top 6 songs that they want for their funeral.

(1) Angels - Robbie Williams
(2) My Way - Frank Sinatra
(3) Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
(4) Stairway to Heaven - Led Zepplin
(5) Requiem - Mozart
(6) Highway to Hell - AC/DC

Here is how I interpret the groups of people who selected each song:
(1) The folks younger than me (since I dont even know the song or singer)
(2) Folks older than me
(3) Wise Asses (just like me)
(4) All the burn outs from high school who are overly optimistic
(5) Traditionalists and Music Majors
(6) All the burn outs from high school who are realistic

2/28/2005

Desiderata

Here is an interesting read about one man's idea on how to live life, values, and what is important. And remember -- "He who dies with the most toys...is still dead."

Ehrmann's Desiderata (from 1927)

2/24/2005

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, Even for Dogs

LONDON (Reuters) - A blind man has been arrested in Scotland after witnesses reported he sank his teeth into his guide dog and kicked her across the road, police said on Thursday. The incident allegedly occurred outside a busy shopping center in the Scottish capital Edinburgh. David Todd, 34, is expected to face charges of cruelty to animals and breach of the peace. A police spokeswoman said the 8-year old dog had been handed over to a charity dedicated to guide dogs.
------
I've heard of biting the hand that feeds you, but never biting the hound that leads you!

2/22/2005

Best-Dressed Homeless in the World...

SEOUL (Reuters) - Some South Korean homeless are dressing in style after the government gave away thousands of fake designer garments confiscated by customs agents. The Korea Customs Service distributed more than 3,500 fake pieces in the southern city of Pusan this month with the permission of the fashion houses whose designs had been pirated.

A customs official declined to name the designers whose ripped-off creations are now being worn by the homeless but said both they and the state prosecutors had approved giving away the jackets, blouses, shirts and pants. "We hope this will be of some help to the poor who need practical assistance in such hard times," the official said.

---------------------
This is not a bad idea they have in Korea. We can even take it a few steps further. Everytime something is confiscated from criminals, for example drug dealers, we can give it to the poor and homeless. I'll bet skippy in the projects would love it if his parents had that new Mercedes...and if a house (aka drug den) gets confiscated then I'm sure that the homeless would love to put it to good use.

2/17/2005

Bruce slept here......

Founded in 1887, Asbury Park, NJ was once one of the Northeast's most popular seaside resorts. Today, Asbury Park's beachfront is in the grip of a decline that began with race riots in 1970. New plans to revitalize the town have many people watching, waiting, and hoping.

Here is a great photo gallery of then and now.
Asbury Park Then & Now

2/16/2005

10 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is DOWN

1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis

2/15/2005

Why Do People Do This?....

It was totally overcast the other day and I saw a guy wearing really dark sunglasses.
Why do people do this? He had dark hair so he couldn't have been an albino. Are we really that insecure? Or is it that some folks pay $200 for a pair of sunglasses (suckers!) and then feel they need to wear them as much as possible?

2/14/2005

A Valentine's Story

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances. She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

[OK guys, sounds like she's available in about 30 months...any takers??]

Torture Method #43

I found an interesting and low-cost way to torture someone. Wait until they are sick or have an upset stomach (a stomach virus is the best case) and when they are lying on the couch and can't move, turn on the Food Network and hide the remote.

The gooey, saucy, meaty foods that they show and all of that talk about food and spices will make anyone puke if they're nauseous...Then, of course, there is the additional factor of Rachel Ray's voice.

2/08/2005

Soccer, Balls and Liquor....

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said. Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.
Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.

2/04/2005

Woman Accused of Giving Lethal Sherry Enema

OK folks - here are some good general rules to follow:
1) Don't stick anything up your butt
2) Don't let anyone else stick anything up your butt
3) Don't put something made for your mouth into your butt

and now.....

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman has been indicted for criminally negligent homicide for causing her husband's death by giving him a sherry enema, a police detective said on Wednesday.

Tammy Jean Warner, 42, gave Michael Warner two large bottles of sherry on May 21, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas, police detective Robert Turner in Lake Jackson, Texas, told the Houston Chronicle.

"We're not talking about little bottles here," Turner said. "These were at least 1.5-liter bottles." Warner, 58, was said to have an alcohol problem and received the wine enema because a throat ailment left him unable to drink the sherry, Turner told the newspaper.

"I heard of this kind of thing in mortuary school in 1970, but this is the first time I've ever heard of someone actually doing it," said Turner, who led the lengthy investigation in the case.

The woman admitted administering the enema, but denied causing her husband's death, the Chronicle said. A dispatcher for the Lake Jackson police said only Turner could discuss the case, but he did not return phone calls from Reuters.

Along with negligent homicide, Mrs. Warner was indicted for burning her husband's will a month before his death. Both charges carry maximum penalties of two years in prison. Mrs. Warner surrendered to police on Monday and was released on $30,000 bail, the newspaper said.

2/03/2005

Stuff that Keeps Me Up at Night...

In the show 'The Brady Bunch', if Mike Brady was such a great architect why did they have 6 kids and only one bathroom?

How come no one ever pays on 'Cheers'?

Where are the toilets on the U.S.S. Enterprise?

How come in the movies a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in pain when a woman tries to clean his wounds?

Why don't people who believe in re-incarnation leave all their money to themselves?

If you filled your toilet with water from the Bermuda Triangle, would that eliminate the need to flush?

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Can you sentence a homeless person to house arrest?

When Jesus was a baby did he crawl on water?

Why aren't there any 'Grand MOTHER Clocks'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When flying on an airplane and your pilot's name is Jack can you say 'Hi' to him?

If Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, then why does it make me feel so much smarter?

If Wile E. Coyote could afford to buy all the stuff from ACME why didn't he just buy a Big Mac?

If Dracula can't see himself in a mirror why is his hair always so neat?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?

Why do so many blondes dye their roots dark?

If a bald person had a bad hair day, how could they tell?

Can people who live on houseboats get flood insurance?

If peanut butter cookies are made with peanut butter what are girl scout cookies made with?

If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?

Why do people who are against deforestation, have paper signs on wooden posts?

Why does 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?

Will used Nicorette patches help me with second hand smoke?

2/02/2005

Extreme Ringtones in the UK

LONDON (Reuters) - Despite complaints from 60 people, Britain's advertising regulators said on Wednesday there is nothing inappropriate about the genitals of an animated frog whose high-pitched squeals are sold as a mobile phone ringtone.

Television adverts of the motorcycle-riding Crazy Frog, who is drawn with a broad smile and a tiny penis, run frequently on British television, amusing, baffling and annoying viewers.

"While unusual for an animated model of this type to be shown with genitalia, no sexual or inappropriate references were made about its anatomy," the UK's Advertising Standards Authority said.

Twenty-two people complained they were worried children might see the advertising, which also promotes screen savers and mobile videos. Five parents said they were embarrassed by questions their children had asked.

Other viewers simply found the commercial annoying and thought it was shown too often. "We appreciate that the frequent broadcast of the same, or similar commercials can be annoying to some viewers," the ASA said. "However, it is for the advertiser and broadcaster to decide how often a particular advertisement is shown."

1/28/2005

George Bush is Coming 'round the Mountain

George Bush sings about his second term (from jibjab)

http://movies.yahoo.com/movies/feature/jibjabinaugural.html

1/27/2005

Useful Grammar Tips

Need to get a big term paper ready? Writing a report for work? Here are some key tips for readability:

* Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
* Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* Avoid clich├ęs like the plague.
* Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
* Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
* It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
* Contractions aren't necessary.
* Be more or less specific.
* The passive voice is to be avoided.

PS - Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

1/21/2005

Pretentious Dating Sites

Want to avoid having arguments over politics with your potential mate? Get a date at the dating site Conservative Match where you can find Sweet Hearts NOT Bleeding Hearts -- of course, this only helps if you are a conservative. How do they check this by the way? Do they come to your house to see how many photos of Bush and Schwarzengger are hanging up?

Don't like dating the bimbo types (for more than one date)? Then get smart - look for a mate at Mensa -- the only problem with this plan is most of you who like the garbage in this blog probably won't qualify... :-)

Couldn't bare to date someone from Podunk University or any school whose initials end with a 'T' -- then sign up for Good Genes Dating, where only Ivy Leaguers can apply. I assume you need to send in a copy of your diploma and final report card...The question still remains how will they separate the Harvard wheat from the Yale chaff? (Just kidding -- I went to Rutgers for crying out loud).

Anyway, if you feel that you need to -- or really want to -- sign up for these sites to find a compatible person, then perhaps you are just too picky and that is why you are still single!
But, in the word's of Dennis Miller, that's just my opinion - I may be wrong.

1/19/2005

16 Ways to Have More Fun --Today

Do the following:

1. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That.
3. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It, "In."
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For Three Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."
6. Finish All Your Sentences, With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
7. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
8. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
12. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
13. Have Your Co-Workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard."
14. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

1/18/2005

Useful Sites

If you want to find the cheapest gas near you--and who doesn't especially nowadays (is that a real word?)--then check out Gas Buddy.

Also, did you ever load a piece of software and then wished you hadn't (i.e. didnt work, or not as good as previous version, etc.) Here is a site that archives Old Versions of all popular software downloads.

Have fun!


1/14/2005

Inspector Gadget Would Love This

If you are a true gadget head and need to know all the newest and latest stuff coming to market then you should visit the EnGadget website for Gadget Heads.

1/13/2005

Would You Eat Food That Was Named...?

It's funny how sometimes a simple suggestion can ruin our whole appettite. Many of these foods are products from overseas that got 'lost in the translation'...but surprisingly--NOT all of them! Please Note: THESE ARE REAL PRODUCTS. (See link below)

So would you eat anything was named:

Aass
Anis Kockens
Big Nuts
Bimbo
Black Bush
Brest
Bum Bum
Cemen
Cock
Cockburns
Coming
Coon
Craps
Creamy Ball
Cumin Hole
Dickmilch
Dry Sack
Erektus
Fagottino
Fanny
Fart Bar
Finger Marie
Fizzy Jerkz
Gaytime
Grated Fanny
Happy Crak
Horlicks
Jussi Pussi
Megapussi
Mini-Dickmanns
Mounds
Pee
Perky Nana
Piddle
Plopp
Prick
Pussi
Redbush
Shito
Spotted Dick
Spunk
Vergina
Wanker
Woodii

You can see photos of these foods and more at The Rude Food website.

1/12/2005

True or False - Some Urban Legends

Is Walt Disney really cryogenically preserved?
Did Coca-Cola really used to contain cocaine?
Was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer created for Montgomery Ward department stores?
Is the nursery rhyme 'Ring Around the Rosie' a coded reference to the Black Plague?
Did The Marlboro Man die of lung cancer?
Is the penis of gangster John Dillinger on display at a Smithsonian museum?
Does the average person swallow eight spiders per year?
Do hair and fingernails continue to grow after one's death?
Is it true that the middle name of President Harry Truman was just the letter 'S.'?
Did President Bush, during a photo opportunity, become "amazed" at encountering supermarket scanners for the first time?

Some of the above are TRUE and others FALSE. Find out which is which at: SNOPES.

1/11/2005

The Yuckiest Little Mini-Golf Course in the West

OK - when a mini-golf course that is self-described as the "The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West" has holes that include:

* Poo Monkey and Poo Cow (yes they are taking a dump on the green)
* A pile of wood full of rusty nails
* An outhouse
* 100' high tiki
* Aortic Valve
and of course
* Lopsided Nipple Buddha Passes Stone

It makes you wonder if there is a yuckier mini-golf course in the East?

1/10/2005

Yo Mama So Fat...(Survey)

Reuters reported on the fittest/fattest cities for 2004 - and the winners are:

Seattle is the Fittest.
Houston is the Fattest (Philly was a close second - it's all those cheesesteaks)



And Just so You Have a Good Line for when you visit, here are some punch lines to Yo Mama So Fat...

* I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
* When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
* Instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s.
* When the doctor diagnosed her with a flesh eating disease he gave her 13 years to live.
* Her ass has its own congressman.
* Her belt size is "Equator"
* Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
* When God said "Let there be light" he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
* When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.
* Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
* Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
* She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
* Her shadow weighs 100 pounds.

1/07/2005

Modern Business Slang Definitions

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.