How's Your Bathroom Etiquette?

The Int'l Center for Bathroom Etiquette is just the place to go if you were wondering about Talking in the Bathroom, Which Sink to Use, Kiddie Urinals, Which Way to Hang the Toilet Paper, etc. They even have an online training guide. How handy with all the holidays coming up!

There is a forum for you to post all those nagging questions you've had over the years and get them answered. Here is a typical entry:
Q: "What is the best angle of incidence for one to urinate at so as to create the minimum quantity of "splashback"?
A: "Well that's a tough one to answer, since it can often depend a lot on the shape of the urinal itself. I find however that typically it's best to pee more or less pointing downwards, as opposed to straight out. If you pee straight out it will deflect back into your leg, but if you aim the pee down it tends to get trapped in the bottom of the bowl. Maybe we need to run some computer simulations on this one."

They are looking for more women correspondents... Ladies...anyone?

Customers Suck

Here are some (supposedly) real questions customers have asked various store workers, (and some snyde comments by yours truly):

Where does the film go in the digital camera?

On the phone: "I got caught for shoplifting a year ago. Can I come back and shop yet?"
[Please Ms. Ryder, do not call us--we'll call you!]

Is your Sunset Dinner Cruise on a boat?" followed by: "is there any meal on there?"
[Answer: Does the Titanic have deck chairs?]

Do you sell metal thinner?
[Thinner than what?]

Where are your telephones and microwaves? (When you work in a dollar store)
[In the Barbie section]

Is your chicken parmesan made from chicken?
[No, it's made BY chickens.]

My nephew is 6 years old. What size would he be?
[How old are you? "30." Well, then he's one fifth of your size!]

I broke this, can I have a discount?
[If I set your house on fire, can I have the insurance money?]

Are the red seedless grapes seedless?
[You mean those green ones?]

This version of the Matrix DVD is in widescreen.....How wide does my TV have to be to be able to see it?
[At least 57". Did I tell you about our big screen sale?]

Do you sell a parmesan cheese shaker in the shape of a rat?
[Doesn't everyone?]

Where are your kidney gifts?
[Right near the anniversary bladders, why do you ask?]

What color are your blue tarps?
[Gold, of course]

How can you legally sell buffalo wings, don't you know that they are extinct?
[OK, Jessica Simpson!]

I bought this item 6 years ago. I don't have a receipt and I'm not even sure if I bought it here. Can I get a cash refund?
[* smack! *]

Do you take expired coupons?
[Only if you take expired food.]

Do you have a dvd rewinder?
[Yes, they're next to the 8-track read/write drives.]

How much will a 5 gallon tank hold?
[19 liters]

Can I order from the menu?
[No it's just for show.]

"Do you have Windows 95 for Sony Playstation?
[Why ruin a good playstation?]

Saddam the Homeless

Well, Saddam is captured and it only took South Park about 2 days to come up with a new episode that featured Saddam in his unkempt look to appear on TV. I wonder how long that trial will go on?! Maybe the Iraqis aren't like the Americans and can have a quick trial--this one shouldn't take a genius to conduct...If Saddam's daughter, who is hiring the best lawyers, is really smart she would get Cochran as the lawyer and Ito as the Iraqi judge. She would be sure to win.

If you still think there are Weapons of Mass Destruction to be found, you can help in the search by plating the WMD Video Game! Have fun and good luck...

Lord of the Nerds

If you are not tired of the Rings trilogy yet and want to know your "Hobbit Name" visit this site.

If you are tired of the same old videos then visit this site for stupid videos: I recommend 'Scare the Cat' and 'Dan is Good'.

Italy vs Europe

For those of you who have been to Italy and the rest of Europe (and even those who haven't), here is a funny animation that demonstrates the differences:-))


http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/italy.html

A Christmas Poem

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my butt for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night... The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, Those a$$holes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits. They want the impossible ..Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them... They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason... I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

** MERRY CHRISTMAS **

Sex...Sex...Sex

OK - That wasn't just to get your attention. I actually have some entries for my blog on my favorite sayings about -- you guessed it...Sex.

=================
"It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I know why, too. It's because they've been up half the night begging for it."

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

"I thought my wife was just being romantic when she sprinkled talcum powder in my underwear. Turns out it wasn't talcum powder after all... it was Miracle Gro."

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax."

"I have a lot of issues with sex, mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler."

"I was pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer. She said to me, 'Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you' So I said, 'Tits'"
===============

In The News...

A town in Italy is paying couples $11,900 to have babies...I think here in the US there are certain people we should pay NOT to have kids...ever! I'd chip in for that!

Here's something for everyone's Christmas list: The mouse genome is now available in a hardback addition! -- I think I'll wait for the movie.

In Florida, the true spirit of Xmas was foiled when police busted a Christmas Trees for Crack campaign. "Two men arrested for stealing Christmas trees from a Rotary Club tent said they intended to exchange them for crack cocaine or food."
- Do you want a sandwich or some crack?
- "I'll take the crack please..."
- "Do you want fries with that?"

After two 14-year old boys shot a BB gun at another boy in a wheelchair, the judge sentenced them to sit in a wheelchair for 2 days at the mall. After also attacking a "senior citizen" the judge ordered them to wear their pants real high, eat dinner at 4:30pm, make funny smacking noises with their lips, and watch Wheel of Fortune.

Today's Party Pooper File: Now they say moderate drinking is bad for you, and it can shrink your brain...Just when I had gotten into a healthy drinking habit, now they say...now they say...what? never mind....

Today's Irony File: A man was arrested for armed robbery and identified by his tattoo, which read: 'Not Guilty'.

A guy knows he's in love when...

"... he loses interest in his car for a couple a days" - Tim Allen

Bad Pick Up Lines

Guys -
Looking for someone special to share the holiday season with? Whatever you do, do not use these lines. They have been tested in a double blind study recently and resulted in more slaps and "walk-aways" than any others. Here they are:


That shirt looks very becoming on you...and if I were on you I'd be coming too.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it or not?

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No, huh...So you want to go somewhere and talk?

Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?

Hey baby, you want to see something swell?

* This has been a public service announcement...

Other Notes

"There are so many cereals nowadays: Cracklin' Oat Bran, and Horkin Fiber Chunks. Cereal used to come with a free prize, now it comes with a free roll of toilet paper in every box." - Denis Leary

"(Rueters) The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!"

Some Rules for Life

Here is another installment of Some Rules for Life, that is, things to remember that will make your life easier.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose...

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving! You didn't eat or drink too much did you?
I just used the title of the blog to get your attention since I thought it was pretty funny. Not sure where it came from though. It was interesting how many T-shirts I saw this long weekend related to drinking. I saw some in the mall, some on the street, and appropriately enough, some in the bars and restaurants.

Here are the four I can remember:

=> I'm NOT an alcoholic! I'm a drunk - alcoholics go to meetings.
=> Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
=> You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
=> When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

Another difference between Men and Women

Like we needed more :-)

A new study says that women cry, on average, 6 times a month; men cry on average once a month. Anybody want to guess what time of month men tend to cry? ;-)

Dave Barry summed up the difference between men and women pretty succinctly when he said:
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

How to Survive at Work

The 3 things I can think of to help survive at work are embodied in these sayings. That is: laugh; collaborate; and persistence.

Laugh: "I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people." - Jack Handey

Collaborate: "TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself."

Persist: "Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."

Chess and Pets

I see recently that Kasparov won against the computer 3D (or did he tie?). I was having dinner with the world chess champion and our table had a checked tablecloth -- it took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Here are some interesting pet quotes:

"When you drop a cat it always lands on its feet and when you drop a piece of toast it always lands buttered side down. So I strapped a slice of toast to my cat's back, buttered side up. He's been spinning inches above the ground for a week now."

"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it."
- Rodney Dangerfield

Who's to Say What is Art? (aka Hang Ten)

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - Police have removed the corpse of a man believed to have hanged himself at least a year ago after builders and students at Budapest's University of Arts had initially mistaken it for a modern sculpture.

The body hung for a whole day in a garden building that had been re-opened for repairs before onlookers realised what it was and called the police, local media said.

The building, in campus grounds crowded with different types of sculpture, had been closed five years ago pending reconstruction work.

Spoofs on Movies of Movies about Books

MGM studios says it has bought the script of Henry Bates and the Sorcerer's Balls - a comic parody of both the hugely popular Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series.

Out go the Hobbits and Gandalf the good wizard and in come the Bobbits, who are under an evil sexual spell, and the good wizard Gandolfini who battles the bad wizard Enron.

Henry Bates (Master Bates?) attends a school called the St Buggerers Academy for Boys and One Girl, and sets out on a quest to regain his kingdom - the Land of Middlefinger.

Feeling Lucky?

Try something new, have fun, boldly go where no one purposefully went before! Try a random weblink!
random website dot com

Sushi on Nearly Naked Women Draws Protest

Of course it draws a protest: Question (an easy one) - Are the protestors men or women? She is only nearly naked I'm sure do to the Health Board.

The women and patrons call it 'performance art'. I'm not sure that this will start a trend but if McDonalds has me eat fries with ketchup off a person I may have to pass.
AP Wire | 11/11/2003 | Sushi on Nearly Naked Women Draws Protest: "Sushi on Nearly Naked Women Draws Protest"

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Cannot find the damn server

Stupid Laws (Focus on the South)

We poked fun at some of the dumb laws from around the country previously in my weblog (Oct 23, 03). To continue this endeavor, let's take a look at the southern part of the US:

Alabama:
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle [Stevie Wonder needs to take off his blindfold now?]
* It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church [Rubber chickens, however, are perfectly fine.]
* Sex toys are banned throughout the state. [Anyone know where to buy cucumbers?]
* Solitaire may not be played on Sundays [Poker is OK.]

Arkansas:
* A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. [And what time of month would they pick?]

Delaware (yes, it's south of the Mason-Dixon):
* In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. [Don't eat any dirty pickles.]
* It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. [Unless you dump them in NJ.]

Florida:
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. [But who cleans up the mess?]
* It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. [
* Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. [So my formal dress is ok?]
* Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. [this is a typo; I think they meant PAINFUL!]
* It is considered an offense to shower naked. [Do your laundry and shower at the same time in Florida!]
* It is illegal to sell your children ["Losing them" in Disney though is encouraged.]

West Virginia:
* It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. [Note- More rabbits are sold in WV than any other state.]
* Roadkill may be taken home for supper. [Only in F-ing West Virginia!]
* Whistling underwater is prohibited. [Don't they mean 'impossible'?]

OK, that's it. Be careful when you travel, you never know what law you might break!

World's Worst Beers

The customers have spoken! Here is a web site that rates beers...The best beers listed seem to be harder to find and are typically local or regional. Unfortunately the Worst Rated Beers are all popular and admit it, you've probably drank quite a few of those listed at some point...namely college when all we could afford is Old Milwaukee (it's on the list).

Want to know what day you will die?

That's always a tricky question, and of course if this site could actually be taken seriously, I would not visit it...but since it's just for fun! Go to DeathClock and see how long you have to live!

My date is March 5, 2039. I have over a million seconds left!

Sick & Tired

Sorry I haven't been posting this week. Work has been really hectic and burned me out, and now I have bronchitis...

Here are a few things to keep you amused until Monday when I will do the following topics during the week:
* Joe Schmoe
* Rubbernecking
* More Dumb Laws (of the South)

Funny Guy George Carlin

Think you're friend is a baboon? Send him a call from a monkey! Believe me, it's worth the money.

Want to hear some (fake?) celebrity crank calls? Try This Link to hear Ah-nold call Gateway computer and someone's mother, or even Al Pacino call the car dealer, and of course, Sgt Hartman from Full Metal Jacket.

Halloween Scrooge's Holiday Alternatives (trick-or-treat drinking game)

Halloween started out as a pagan holiday surrounding the November 1st "All Soul's Day" or "All Hallows Day". Supposedly their ghosts would appear on the eve of this day (10/31) and thus came All Hallow's Eve -- or as we know it -- Halloween. The idea behind the costumes, as you may know, was to scare away the spirits, and of course the candy was to infest them with cavities so they would have a toothache and leave us alone. Of course, I could be making this all up...but I somehow remember being told all this stuff as a child.

So since I'm not big on Halloween for the following reasons [- I'm no pagan; - don't like dressing up; - don't like visiting my neighbors; - don't like my neighbors kids visiting me; - don't like answering the door every five minutes; - can't drive on the sidewalk safely with all those kids on it wandering about; - no one ever gives out the "good" candy anyway...] I offer up the following alternative actions that will serve the same purpose as the current holiday -- that is, to scare off spirits (if they exist), to line the pockets of dentists everywhere, and make all the parents gain 10 pounds. Here goes:

Scaring Off Spirits
* Everyone who is overweight must wear only speedos and/or thong-bikinis; everyone else dresses like Michael Jackson
* All networks show re-reruns of the A-Team or Dukes of Hazzard all day long
* Put up a sign on your lawn that says: "Spirits - If you come in here, you're watching the kids!"
* Alternative lawn sign: "Welcome Al Gore"
* Show videos of family vacations constantly on the big screen TV

Celebration Activities:
(1) Make a drinking game out of trick or treaters
Rules- Everytime the doorbell rings, take a drink
Everytime a kid fails to say 'trick-or-treat', take a drink and drop a rock in his bag, and take a piece of his candy
Everytime a teen comes to the door without even wearing a damn costume, finish a drink and drop the empty into his bag
Everytime someone actually has the nerve to come to the door with just a sheet over their head, take a drink, and take all their candy
When you finally run out of candy, finish all the alcohol in the house
(2) Leave lights on, inner doors open, put on TV and/or radio and leave the candy bowl in plain view, but well inside and out of reach of any kids; when the door bell rings, remain out of sight and never come to the door. If anyone actually attempts to come inside, hit them with a water balloon.
(3) Create a Puking Pumpkin and leave it on the doorstep.

I'm sure I'll come up with better stuff next year, or during the time I'm playing the trick-or-treat drinking game...

Tighter than the skin on a weiner

Yes my time is tight today, so I will put up some Halloween holiday alternatives here later this week. But first lets peruse some of my favorite comparison sayings. The title of this entry is an example. Another might be while talking about someone who is fat: "He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook."

here are some more. First the 3 grossest ones I know:
* Slicker than snot on a doorknob (I heard a guy use this in a meeting, of all places)
* Hotter than a fat man's ass crack in July (unless you live in the southern hemisphere, then it would be January)
* Older than the crust on my grandma's underpants

Some reference body parts; some more, some less than the typical person:
* Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest
* Busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes
* More horny than a three-pecked goat in a field full of nannies
* Busier than a ten-peckered dog in a hydrant factory

Some other favorites:
* More confused than a woodpecker in a concrete forest
* Poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony
* Noisier than two skeletons making love on a tin roof
* More nervous than a whore in church
* More jumpy than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

Halloween is a stupid "holiday"....and here are some costume suggestions

I never liked Halloween; even as a kid--really. Remember those horrible plastic masks you would wear, and your breathing got them all wet inside, and your eyeholes had the same visibility as Ray Charles driving at night... Plus, there is nothing worse than a holiday where other people dress up into supposedly bad costumes only to realize these are things from your closet. I think we need to revamp this holiday in a big way. I will provide alternative suggestions tomorrow, but for now since I know I haven't convinced you, I will show you some really bad costumes for you to use.

Here is a link some of you saw last year. RetroCrush's list of Worst Halloween Costumes. My favorite is Welcome Back Kotter.

What do Milli Vanilli, Max Headroom, and Molly Ringwald all have in common? They are 80's Costume Suggestions found online, (and they all start with 'M'). I was somewhat discouraged to realize that the Marty McFly costume description sounded like my typical fall attire! Uh-oh.

Finally I am not the only one who cares little for Halloween. The National Assoc. for Mental Institutions (yes, don't pretend you don't know who they are!) is angry about the portrayal of mental patients as scary halloween characters. Because, we all know that Freddy Kruger, behind that scarred face is really just "a nice guy". So was Norman Bates and Hannibal Lechter, and all of Hollywood's portrayals of the loveable mental patients! (note sarcasm, and the underlying text that they won't bother an industry with big bucks and power.) Besides, didn't you ever see the movie "Dream Team"!

Here is NAMI's list of 'worst offenders' from last year:

NAMI released a list of some of the nation's worst "Halloween Horrors" produced or sponsored by companies that have ignored appeals by both President Bush and the U.S. Surgeon General to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental illness for the public good. The list includes:

* Disguise, Inc. which produces a "Straight Jacket" costume previously marketed as "Mental Patient." See www.disguise.com.

* Spencer Gifts, a key distributor of the costume, along with another labeled "Psycho Rodeo Clown." See www.spencergift.com.

* Six Flags Amusement Park in Dallas, Texas, host of a "Fright Fest" featuring Dr. Malice, initially promoted as an insane asylum escapee, whose demented experiments include "Electro-Shock Trivia." (In response to initial complaints, the park tried to tone down the references to mental illness and gave free tickets to NAMI Dallas for distribution to consumers). See www.sixflags.com/parks/overtexas/home.asp.

* The Netherworld Haunted House "Inner Sanctum" in Atlanta "dedicated to aggressively treating the most severe forms of mental illness," which included Pepsi and Subway among its "friends and sponsors."

The Future that Never Lived

Perusing through Retro Future you can find many of the ideas and items that were promised to the person of the future (circa 2000a.d.) way back when, and get an update of where we are with that idea. For example:

* Food Pills - just pop one in and you're good to go
* More Leisure Time than we Know What to do with (who was that genius?)
* Rocket Mail
* Moon Vacations
* Two-way Wrist Radios
* Smell-O-Vision

I wonder what will happen to the idea of PDA chips in our heads? I'll check out this site in 30 years.

Dumb Laws (Part 1 of 2, for now)

Most homeowners go through a spring cleaning once a year to get rid of unwanted items. Even though we are months away from that, I would like to propose a similar concept for many of our state laws. Some are obviously outdated and others were just a bad idea to start with... There are some disturbing laws describing practices that should be obviously avoided, so one wonders why they were ever passed; someone (probably multiple people) must have performed these actions resulting in bad consequences. So without further introduction, here are my list of actual laws that should be destined for spring cleaning -by state:

New Jersey
- It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. [What if it's ice fishing season and he needs gloves?]
- It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. [Can you frown with a middle finger?]
- You may not slurp your soup. [Might as well say, 'You may not eat your soup'.]
- All motorists must honk before passing another car, bicyclist, skater, and even a skateboarder.

Arizona
- Hunting camels is prohibited. [Now that camels are over running the state, I think we can relax this law.]
- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. [But where would Uncle Jeb sleep then?]
- You may not have more than two dildos in a house. [Sharing is unhygienic, and the AZ Dildo patrol is too expensive.]
- It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. [Because the cops cannot get as much money for it when they confiscate it.]

Alaska
- It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. [Don't make me stop this plane, Mister!]

California
- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. [Too much traffic in CA to ever exceed 60mph anyway!]

Wisconsin
- Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. [Because fat prisoners are easier to chase when they escape.]
- It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. [But it is ok to burn it?]

Wyoming
- It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater. [But then I'd actually have to watch Gigli!]
- You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. [The permit costs $425.]

Pennsylvania
- It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. [But officer, it's the most comfortable appliance on my porch!]
- You may not sing in the bathtub. [People are tired of only humming - let them sing!]
- Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. [Where do you think you are? Nevada?]
- You may not catch a fish with your hands. [Then again, you may.]

Colorado
- Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. [We can't have this kind of lawlessness.]

Tomorrow we'll take a look at dumb laws in the South ;-))

Amish and Aliens

Now some of you may feel it is OK to make fun of the Amish on the Internet, because you're probably saying to yourself: "How will they know...no electricity, no computer - no computer, no web browser." Well it has come to my attention that the Amish are online, and they are able to do so using only 18th century components. The details are documented here and you can even purchase your own Amish laptop.

Also, if you are tired of eating the same old thing, or if you have tried all the chic new international restaurants in town, try cooking your own food using the Cookbook of Alien Recipes. Now granted, if you are a vegetarian this may pose a problem. This online guide discusses how to catch the alien, how to skin it, and recipes such as Alien Ragout and Mixed Alien Gumbo. Supposedly there are differences between the Blue and Grey types.

News Around the World (aka 'People R Stupid')

The big problem I have when the authorities make an arrest most of the time is that they assume they caught the perpetrator (even though we are presumed innocent until guilty, right?...yeah, right...talk to Kobe) and they stop looking for anyone else. Here is a story that is case in point. A murder of an old man led to the arrest of a local youth who apparently had blood all over his shirt. Weeks later (yes, that's weeks) they realized that it was actually just red paint. First of all this guy needs a better lawyer (can you say 'court-appointed'.) Meanwhile, the actual criminal is probably basking in the Mexican sun next to the guy who killed OJ's wife ;-)

This week we also had a woman who shot herself in the heart with a nail gun and almost died (very lucky!). Isn't there a song by Squeeze called 'Another Nail in My Heart'? I wonder if she is a fan? Anyway - power tools are for guys. Everyone expects us to do stupid things, so please don't play with anything attached to a compressor.

Speaking of stupid guys - here are 2 dopes from Australia who decided to eat slugs and one almost died:
"A SYDNEY student who ate slugs from a suburban backyard for a $20 dare got more than he bargained for when he contracted a potentially deadly form of meningitis.

The young man was diagnosed with eosinophilic meningitis, or swelling of the brain membranes, five weeks after eating two slugs in 2001, the Medical Journal of Australia reports today.
His friend also ate slugs but vomited them up, losing the $20 but saving himself a potential case of meningitis, parasitologist John Walker said. "

Here is a guy from CA that won the National Monopoly Tournament. I'll bet even money that he is homeless. If he spent that much time investing in actual real estate, he would probably have been rich! By the way, the prize seems kind of skimpy at just over $15,000.

OK, I added this one because I find it interesting. Some smart dudes learned how to generate electricity from capillary action using water. Soon are PDAs and cell phones might not need batteries...just spit and go!

Later...

Error Message Evolution

I remember back in the first days of home computers (not that long ago really), you would get error messages like this:
Fatal: register 0x0032 set to 0000 AF05

These fossil error messages can still be seen in some museums, on the Galapagos Islands, and every once in a while in a Microsoft error message. However, end-users told programmers to please print error messages in English. So the messages evolved into:
Fatal: register 0x0032 set to 0000 AF05 (Please call your vendor)

So after spending more than the GDP of a small nation on software and tech support, the average end-user said, "When I said English, I meant the English that non-geeks speak--and don't use any numbers if possible"
So here I sit at my computer over the past week looking at error messages like these:
"Asynchronous, fatal metadata rejection"
"Immediate, extraneous operation failure"
"Invalid, generic topology underflow"
"Undetermined, dereferenced framing rejection"
"Redundant, virtual authentication stackdump"

I'm almost sorry that we asked. So I call tech support and told them the error message; I didn't hear anything on the other end for a while so I said 'Hello?', and she said 'Hold on I'm looking up your error message number.'

Finally, I would like to end with a smart-A$$ remark which is that ....
Fatal: blog dump, overflow, 0x0045 AE44, non-recursive ***

Two Really Cool Games

OK. I can see that you are bored (otherwise why would you be reading my weblog:-)...
Here are two great games I found online. WARNING- These games require intellectual powers (i.e., no shooting).

The first one is Find 5 Differences. Two photos that look alike and you need to find 5 things that are different. This is harder than it sounds. I never got past four!

The second is the Dyson Telecope Game. I got up to level 18 on this one. It is similar to golf in some ways...just get the little ball in the hole, simple! (evil grin)

Have fun.

Sell Your Soul - Get Cold Hard Cash!

The UK site We Want Your Soul tries to put a price on your soul based on how worthy you are.... I did pretty well. My response was '"Your soul is worth £43919. For your peace of mind, 16% of people have a purer soul than you."'
So what's a top dollar soul go for these days anyway?? This amount seems pretty chincy to me. If I'm in the top 1/5 of the world I think I should get more than 43K pounds (how much is that US? $60K maybe). Maybe I can put my soul up as a free agent and see if I can do better elsewhere. I'd try the Indian soul site but I doubt they pay much for souls since they just recycle them anyway.

I can't believe she lost!

I can't believe she actually lost the bid for California governor. Porn-star Mary Carey clearly spelled out on her website why she was a good candidate. And did you see her "platforms?" I would never miss a televised speech and I don't even live there. Granted, many of the issues surrounded specific "industries" but some of the ideas had merit. She wanted to tax "boob jobs" which she figured Berverly Hills and Hollywood alone would bring them out of debt. Oh yes, there was also the lap dance tax, and.....

Oh well. Arnold will have to do...

Coming to a Theater Near You: Revenge of the Sys Admin

Since I deal with a lot of people's technical problems all day I thought I would save time by using a web-based trouble reporting form. So, if you are having trouble with your computer, network, or related device -- or if you ever have had trouble with them -- or if you want to see how some Sys Admins really feel about you (;-) please fill out this form.
Thanks (suckers)

Don't Fly a Plane on Sundays in Serbia

Just in case you were planning on it, flying small aircraft in Serbia can be dangerous on weekends (especially Sundays)...why, you ask? Because there many weddings on these days; isn't it obvious? The following article should help clarify:

"BELGRADE (Reuters) - A two-seater sports plane on an unauthorized joyride was apparently shot down by mistake when it flew over a Serbian wedding party where guests were firing guns into the air, local media reported Sunday. Two men were reported to have sustained serious injuries when their aircraft burst into flames, got caught in overhead power cables and crashed near Kraljevo, central Serbia. Local media said neither of the men held a pilot's license.
Firing guns into the air at weddings and other celebrations is common in Serbia."

I'm sure if the pilots had a license that would have helped (sarcasm). I can't believe they both lived!
I thought rain was supposed to bring good luck...firing bullets and scoring a plane is probably good for 50 years of togetherness!

If you want to feel smarter...

Move to New Mexico. It's "official" based on the report from WMUR summarizing the Education State Rankings publication Massachusetts is the smartest state, and NM is the least smart... My home state ranked 5th. I'm not sure how these rankings were calculated but I notice a lot of dumb people around here!

By the way, California did not do so well-only 44th- (that is 44 out of 50 for you folks in NM). They got beat by W. Viringia and Kentucky by a good margin! Also, if you didn't include Berkeley, CalTech, and Stanford then things would be even worse for CA. Looks like Ah-nold has his work cut out for him.

Early Christmas Present for the Kid with Everything

If you thought your kids (or you!) had every action figure known in the universe, don't forget about the Librarian Action Figure. This is for real. It even has push-button 'shushing' for life-like action. It is even based on a real librarian. Order now to get a bonus trading card and bookmark. (Trading cards? Are there other librarians that they made trading cards on, or are they all the different professions?)

I thought this was such a great idea, I will soon be creating my own action figures for next Christmas. These will include:
* Funeral Director Action Figure
- Push the button and watch a random person near you drop dead
* Garbage Collector
- Push the button and watch him bang the garbage can (only works between 4am and 6am)
* Bulimic
- Push the button after pointing away from your clothes
* Porn Star
- Push the button and....well, you can figure this one out
* Grandpa Geezer
- Three action buttons cause one of the following to happen
1) Dentures fly across the room
2) Cackles a laugh and instantly falls asleep
3) Makes a mess in his pants and calls for the nurse.

BattleGround God Quiz

I recently tried Battleground God. A test/quiz that determines how internally consistent your ideas about God are...
Here were my results.

Congratulations!
You have been awarded the TPM medal of distinction! This is our second highest award for outstanding service on the intellectual battleground. The fact that you progressed through this activity being hit only once and biting very few bullets suggests that your beliefs about God are well thought out and almost entirely internally consistent.

The direct hit you suffered occurred because one set of your answers implied a logical contradiction. The bitten bullets occurred because you responded in ways that required that you held views that most people would have found strange, incredible or unpalatable.

Was it the Husband, or Her Face?

Here is a story about a father who charged a prospective groom $270 just to look at his daughter before he married her. He also wanted a down payment on the dowry! After paying both sums and viewing his potential (2nd) wife, he called it off after finding out the woman had been married before.

Doesn't he know in the US he can view many "prospective wives" for a mere $1 each, along with a $6 beer at any local gentleman's establishment? No down payment required...

Bad Decisions...

Here are some people I saw or read about over the past few months that make me feel better, because they prove that some people out there can make decisions that are worse then mine :-))

* "I kept all my 70's clothes, and I know they will be back in style soon!" (guy on train)
* White guy with dredlocks (saw at hospital)
* Some guy who wants to be the first gay pro wrestler (at least first admitted one)
* Guy who wore his official Star Trek shirt and insignia on his first date (read online)
* Robert Downey, jr.
* Anyone who eats at MeatShake (yuk! For God's sake, why?)
* Some greedy rich guy who figured out that for $800,000 he could cover all of the numbers in a local lottery with a jackpot of $1.25 million. Obviously he won, but so did two other people and he had to split the prize! Total winnings about negative -$390,000. Loser! You know what they say about a fool and his money...

Anyway, I have to go now -- I want to fly my kite before that storm gets any closer!

Don't Shake Your Computer Screen!

Here is something I enjoyed as a kid, that I can now enjoy here in my office instead of working! Goodbye solitaire and Unreal, Hello Etch A Sketch!

Unique Investment "Opportunity"

Sorry I've been away from the blog...Work is just taking over my life! I think I should look into another career...Let's see where can I get a job that doesn't require much work and will make me wealthy quickly? Not sure, but I know a lot of millionaires made their fortune in Real Estate. So after scouring the Internet, I think I've stumbled upon a unique investment opportunity: the castles of the 20th century. Yes, I'm talking about underground properties. They used to be old Titan and Atlas missle bases, so they are strong, maintenance-free, and will protect your whole family in - as G.W. would say - a "nuke-u-lur" blast. Most of these properties are over 10 acres in size and much less than the millions it cost to build them.

What do you all think? Should I quit my day job?

Common Sense & the Law

I was disheartened (okay, pissed) to find out that the court system in this country decided that the one useful thing the Government did this year, that is the Do Not Call registry, is unconstitutional. Can we actually get some people in the legal system that have some common sense?! If almost everyone in the US signed up for this thing, doesn't it sound like it might be a good idea? I know their is this thing called 'precedence' in the legal system, but the more dumb decisions that are made, the more they get to use these dumb decisions as precedence later!! So maybe I should spill hot coffee on my lap and get rich... If the telemarketers are going to lose money - tough! We don't want them! If someone invented a device that 100% prevented auto accidents and thefts, would they ban that because Auto Insurers would lose money? Maybe this is a bad example, but hopefully the point is well taken...Unfortunately judges are appointed and not voted in, otherwise we could say 'Get Real, or Get off the bench!'

And don't call me; I'll call you!

What Am I Doing Wrong? (sex survey)

from LONDON (Reuters) reporting on Durex Condoms annual survey

Sampling of Countries for:
Number of Sex Performances a Year
* Hungarians 152
* French 144
[Average = 127]
* Australians 125
* Spanish 123
* Germans 120
* Italians 119
* Americans 118 times a year
* Sweden 102
* Singapore 96

Keeping up with the times, Americans are at the forefront of the techno trend for virtual reality sex with 54 percent saying they have had sex via phone, e-mail or text message. The French scoffed at such modern nonsense -- only 20 percent of them saying they could see the point of it.

I assume that if they survey both men & women you would have to divide those above numbers in half, no? OK, my bad statistics is just a rationalization on my part !

People Will Buy Anything!

If you don't think people will buy anything online, checkout these sites:

Is your budgy or parrot making a mess of your house or his cage? (of course, it's a bird)...Well, no more! Just buy your pet some fashionable Bird Diapers! This is worse than sweaters on dogs!

Men - do you keep missing the bowl during those midnight runs to the bathroom? If so, you need the Glow-in-the-Dark Toilet Seat. This great product is also known as "The Neon Pee-On", "You Glo Girl", "The Shiney Hiney", "Butt Light", and "Glows Encounters".

I'm Starting to Get Paranoid...

You would too if everyday you received dozens of emails about natural Viagara and pills for penis enlargement! Is there someone tipping these people off? Now if only I wasn't convinced that everyone has bought one of those mini-spy cams and placed them everywhere I go....

People Say I Look Like....

Here is an interesting site: People Say I Look Like. You can upload your photo and who you think you look like and they will put it next to the actual celebrity photo and others vote on how much you really look like that person. There are some that are not even a close resemblance! Check out Elvis though...pretty realistic, huh? At least that guy can always get a gig in Vegas. Check out 'Z'. Only one there is Zora (from Joe Millionaire), is she really a celebrity, geez! Who do I look like? Luckily no one famous...at least not yet.

PS - Also, it's a little belated, but I wanted to say I was bummed when a favorite artist - Warren Zevon - died recently. He definitely had the most clever lyrics in rock. If you want to listen to something fun check out the recent album 'Life Will Kill 'Ya' - you won't be sorry.

Are Aliens Racist?

First of all I just want to say that I ran out of gas Friday coming home from work for the first time ever in my life! Luckily, I just happen to put a gas container in my trunk that week, and there was a gas station within 1/4 mile...I wish I could always be that lucky!

And how about that guy from Dallas that stowed away in a box aboard an airliner just so he could have his company pay to ship hime to his parents house! I hear he is the hottest request for an interview with an inmate (yes, he got arrested) since Lee Harvey Oswald. Hopefully, he will fare better than Osawald did. Obviously this guy is crazy, not just because he could have died in an non-pressurized non-heated storage compartement of a plane...but really, how many people want to visit their parents that badly!!

Finally, the 2 strangest stories today come from Berlin (no surprise there). Two guys wanted to defraud the insurance company, so one guy had his friend chainsaw off two of his fingers! Finally, because of a tipster, the insurance company found out about the scam and didn't have to pay him; and his friend is the one who went to jail (he was on parole). The good news is the guy can try 4 more times before he runs out of fingers.

We all know that crop circles are made by aliens right - (did you see 'Signs' with Mel Gibson)? So here is a story that a helicopter crew found a crop circle in Germany shaped like a swastika...whcih technically isn't a cirlcle, but you get the point.

Ping...Pong...

Anyone who calls Ping-Pong 'table tennis' will likely beat you every time.

Also, never bet with anyone who calls Pool "billiards".

Tribute

A moment of silence for lives lost 2 years ago.....




Here is an 18-minute film online called 'Building the Twin Towers'. Very good construction footage in honor of a lost American icon.

Nothing to say...

For once I have nothing to say today...Well, that's something I guess.
How about - the weather is beautiful!
- OR -
A man walked into the doctors office and said, "My arm hurts in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places any more"

Am I Geek or Not?

I can hear it now, Jeff Foxworthy can give up his Redneck jokes and move over to nerd or geek jokes. "If you know 3 foreign languages, and all of them are based on TV shows....you might be a geek nerd." You laugh, but maybe this shoe will fit on you? Do you regularly visit web sites for Leonard Nimoy, or Bill Mumy? (If you don't know who he is, I'm sorry you lose 50 points.) Do you play drinking games to Star Trek episodes (aka BeerTrek)? If so, I think you should take the Geek Aptitude Test (GATs) and check your score. You may surprise yourself.

Male of Female?

Did you ever wonder if certain inanimate objects were Male or Female, which they would be? OK, well I think about strange things....Here are a few examples:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - contrary to popular belief--FEMALE, It gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

A Zebra Does Not Change It's Spots...

Al Gore was correct when he said that, especially about politicians saying dumb things...
Of course, no one will ever beat Dan Quayle at this game! "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." Huh, Dan? But just to show these vice presidents are not alone, here are some dumb sayings by current & past presidents:

George W. Bush:
"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor as you like to be liked yourself."

Gerald Ford:
"If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio."
"That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries."

It's no wonder that celebrities like Arnold, Jesse Ventura, "Gopher", and others are getting into the political act; they are next in line for saying dumb things. Personally, I expect Brooke Shields and Brittany Spears to run for office in about 15 years. Here are some of their sayings that I feel qualify them for office:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -- Louisiana native Britney Spears, when asked the best part of being famous.

Phobias (part 3): The Final Entry

Continuing to peruse the list of phobias I notice one I have when I get on a plane...no, not fear of flying, but Autodysomophobia "fear of one that has a vile odor." Here is one that is popular in D.C. and now in California: Politicophobia- fear or abnormal dislike of politicians. And if you need to "borrow" money from someone, look for a Plutophobic (fear of wealth). It also seems that many people I meet each day have Phronemophobia- fear of thinking. You know who you never see at the DMV? People with Macrophobia- fear of long waits. Look, there is even a fear of watching movies that have Oprah in them Porphyrophobia, officially listed as "fear of the color purple." What's this: Parthenophobia- fear of virgins. First of all, how do they know? Second of all it sounds like a good pickup line: "Excuse me, I have this fear I was hoping you could help me with..."

Some fears must come in pairs, that is, if you have one you probably have the other. For example, if you have Peladophobia (fear of bald people), you probably have Phalacrophobia (fear of becoming bald), and you probably don't watch Star Trek Next Generation or Kojak. Also, if you have Barophobia (fear of gravity), you should have Basophobia (fear of falling). I assume these people just live in outer space.

And now (drum roll) for the truly strange phobias:
Anthophobia- Fear of flowers (because they are so dangerous?)
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes (I would think tubas are more scary)
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables (I understand about brussel sprouts, but really...)
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope (it must be the big hat)
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity (what does this even mean?)
Finally, there were two entries that totally threw me for a loop, I'm not even sure they were not meant to be jokes. Does anyone know what these mean?
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons (what is a walloon?)
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat (versus the regular mole rats?)

That's it for my exploration of phobias. Hope you enjoyed it. There is one thing I know that neither I nor all of you have: Cyberphobia or Logizomechanophobia- fear of computers. Unless I have to put in a Microsoft patch (aaaah!!)

Phobias (part 2): Body Parts and Functions

Continuing with the list of phobias I read through, I noticed that body parts and body functions were very popular; although the parts listed were not only the ones you might expect:
Proctophobia - fear of rectums, is understandable, especially if one is too close to you, but the following list seems a bit odd to me:
Geniophobia- Fear of chins (obviously they can't watch the Tonight Show with Leno), Genuphobia- Fear of knees (these people walk funny), Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes (these people take photos with everyone's head cut off).

As far as body functions go there is Urophobia (fear or urine or urinating) can only last so long before you have to give in no? Fear of defecation is called Rhypophobia, and these folks must spend a lot of money on colonics. Fear of feces in general--which I assume leads to Rhypophobia--is called either Coprophobia or Scatophobia. These folks typically can be seen running and screaming from the bathroom with their pants down!

Remembering that each of these phobias has one or more real "victims", I wonder how the following people live in today's society:
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting (no chairs in this house)
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity (mostly an Amish thing)
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells (popular with ex-zoo workers)
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper (what do they use in the bathroom? do they handle money?)
Nomatophobia- Fear of names (don't even think about opening the 10,000 baby names book!)
Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking (I assume these people die off in a few days?)
Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind (none live in Chicago)
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up (hate to hear "Heads up!", and can't become astronomers)

Tomorrow in the final installation of our phobia list (aka make fun of other people so no one notices us), we will look at some really strange phobias (yes, even more than the above). Don't be scared, come back and read!

Phobias (part 1): Kids, Vampires, and Party Poopers

When President Roosevelt spoke of Phobophobia in his inaugural address ("...nothing to fear but fear itself.") he may not have realized all of the different things that Americans do fear. After perusing a list of official phobias, I realized that each of these was defined because at least some people must actually be afraid of these things! Some are obvious and almost universal I would think at some point in our lives.

For example, I think that many kids/teens have the following phobias during the school years:
Scolionophobia or Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of school
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns
Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists
And for you awkward-types: Caligynephobia or Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women
All of this typically turns into Ergophobia (Fear of work) by adulthood, and if you are a man then you probably have Mallophobia (fear of shopping with your wife/girlfriend)...OK, I made that one up.

If you are a typical American Vampire, then you most likely have the following phobias:
Heliophobia or Eosophobia- Fear of the sun or daylight.
Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church
Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix

People with Vestiphobia (fear of clothing) are typically popular at parties; however the you will never see these people at a party, or if you do, they are major party poopers:
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter
Methyphobia or Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
Oenophobia- Fear of wines (for the Potophobes who like beer)
Erotophobia or Genophobia- Fear of sexual situations or sex acts.

Tomorrow I'll talk about phobias of body parts and functions (including all your favorites), and some really strange phobias that will make you wonder how certain people function in the modern world.

You are Unique - Just Like Everybody Else

You've seen those annoying motivational posters at work, right? Well now there are Demotivators for the rest of us...because if you want to increase your success rate, you need to lower your expectations. The title of this blog entry comes from the Individuality poster. Another good one is "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us."

In Other News...

A black woman undergoing amuptation of her leg was offered a white leg for free, but would have to pay extra for a dark-colored leg. She got mad and said that when you go to Boston Market the light usually is more expensive than the dark, why was the medical systems so backwards?

Residents in the official Armpit of America (Battle Mountain, NV) had their annual armpit celebration. It was sponsored by none other than Old Spice. Lander County Commissioner Mickey Yarbaro called the three-day festival the most successful event in the town's history, with the possible exception of last year's fart lighting contest. The Commisioner also noted that they were attempting to steal the grand prize of Anus of America from a notable town in New Jersey.

Jiminy Cricket!

My Alma Mater has now made the big time by joining in on that time-honored tradition: Cricket Spitting Contests. The rules are simple: Competitors stand in a red circle, place thawed crickets inside their mouths and, within 20 seconds, spit them as far as possible without stepping outside the circle. The official Guinness world record is 30 feet, 1.2 inches.

Modern Drunkard

I'm still not sure if these folks are serious! This magazine has "interesting" and useful articles on such topics as: Best Bar Moves; Are You an Alcoholic? (they see this as a good thing); The Lost Art of the Bender; and Boozing with the Bible. There are also montly sections for News, Fiction, Poetry, and of course -- The Drunk of the Month.

Lazy Saturday

I don't feel like doing much today, even though it is nice outside. I am just sitting here drinking coffee and listening to Mozart's Requiem. If you're not familiar with it, or even don't listen to classical music much, I think you should give this a try...It is one of the most beautiful works ever written (IMHO). [You can listen to a sample here] - Later...

9 out of 10 Monobrows Agree...

This is a complete site for all you proud monobrow folks: Monobrow.com. The site comes complete with a mission statement "...we don't view having one eyebrow as a grotesque, freakish human deformity. On the contrary. We think you are special ...", Monobrow of the Week photo, games, movies, and of course links to everyone's favorite monobrow celebrities. My perosnal favorite is Bert from Sesame Street.
<sarcasm> Isn't it great how the Web has enabled us all to share information like this?! </sarcasm>

My job is to be replaced by a monkey...

Now you can order all your computing and I.T. needs from PPI (Primate Programming, Inc.). Obviously, the job many of us have is so easy that even a monkey can do it. All in all, this site is pretty funny and almost makes you want to order their service.

Sex IQ

I went to Emode and took a few tests. I don't know why - I hate tests! Anyway I took the Sex IQ test and here is what I got:
Mike, your Sex IQ is 114!
Out of 45 questions, you answered 31 correctly.
While you probably attended a Sex Ed class when you were a kid, how much do you remember? One of the first steps to a happy, healthy sex life is seeking answers to those questions that you still have about sex as an adult. Because sex is frequently discussed in hushed tones and secrecy, many people aren't really sure how their bodies work or how to articulate their sexual likes and dislikes. Emode's Sex IQ test measures how well your sexual knowledge stacks up in eight major areas.

I seriously thought I failed the test. Go figure...

How I know I spend too much time at my computer

* I accidentally entered my password on the microwave.
* I haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
* I have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach my family of 3.
* I sent an email to the guy sitting next to me at work.

I am running for Governor of California

Since there are over 200 candidates, I figured what the hell, I'll jump in too. Does it matter if I live on the other side of the US? A complete list of candidates can be found here. Note the professions of some of these candidates; my favorites include the Sumo wrestler, Marijuana Legalization Attorney, Tribal Chairman, Student, and of course Adult Film Actress.

Chow Main Street

Interstate 65 near Dayton, Ind., was closed for nearly 12 hours after a car rammed a semi truck, causing at least 15 barrels of soy sauce to fall from the truck and break open on the highway. "It just smells terrible out here," said an Indiana State Police spokeswoman. "You won't be able to eat Chinese food for a long time after being out here." (Indianapolis Star) ...Though an hour after the crash, the victims had an unquenchable desire to crash again.

Thoughts & Links

Since I'll be taking a week off from blogging (be back on 8/18) I thought I'd share a couple of thoughts and links with you:

First Thought: "Always check if there is paper before you sit down on the toilet!" (I know you know this, but every once in a while we all need a reminder, I could've used one earlier!)

Second Thought: "Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you two hundred dollars and a 'substantial tax cut' save you thirty cents?"

Final Thought: "Here's a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."

First Link: This depressing site - Who Did What By When - will tell you who accomplished what by the time they were your age. Just enter your age and press the button - voila! you then realize how unfocused your own life is...Don't think that because you are young (if you are) you won't find anything. Type in the age of '17' or even '12'! Here is an excerpt from Age 9 - "Actress Shirley Temple became a millionaire", "William J. Sidis, Jr. entered Harvard University" "Mozart began composing symphonies." There are also some strange entries, like this one for age 12: "After giving birth at age 8, Nigerian girl Mum-zi became a grandmother at 17." OK - so there are some entries you're happy are not about you!

Second Link: Here's another monumental waste of time that is deceivingly addictive -- The Fishy Game

Final Link: Everyone loves him, so get your daily joke at Rodney Dangerfield's website

World's Biggest Stomach Ache

Since I have a stomach ache today, I thought I'd look it up online. It's true - you never know what you might find. I can now purchase a replica (about 10,000 times larger) of the germ causing my problems from GIANTmicrobes. A "doll" like this reminds me of the doll that Eddie Munster used to have. Remember? I think it was a werewolf and when he squeezed it, it made a horrible wheezing/puking noise.

True Sayings

Here are a few sayings that I believe to be true in life:

1) "If you don't ask, you don't get."

2) "You keep on getting what you've been getting, if you keep on doing what you've been doing."

3) "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

Need a Career Change?

Toiletology 101: Lesson Plan for Toilet Repair Course
It's all here folks, how it works, replacing valves, toilet anatomy, emergencies, and even dealing with smells. I wonder if they can help me get one of those commercial super-flush models for my house? I could use it...

Lost + Found

Did you lose that heart-felt love letter? Your shopping list? A sock? Maybe you can find it at FOUND Magazine. Strange stuff here--mostly notes--such as To Do lists with items such as 'a) Buy Food...b) Turn self in to police'. Interesting...

Anti-Piracy and the Film Business (MPAA)

RANT ALERT! I decided to put in my 2 cents on copying movies. FYI, I have a totally different opinion about copying music and will post that rant another time. First of all I feel both sympathetic toward the movie industry, but at the same time feel like they deserve what they get...The Motion Picture Association of America and MPA have--like the RIAA--been complaining about piracy for a long time. In fact, I remember when they thought that VCRs would be the bane of the industry. Now most movies make more money when released to home video than they did in the box office. In fact, the MPAA's website states: "the industry relies upon a carefully planned sequential release of movies, first releasing feature films in cinemas, then to home video, and then to other media." Thank God for home videos, right MPAA?!
Once the industry stopped fighting the technology and instead embraced it, they found a way to make even more money. Sure, piracy still existed, and probably always will, but the key point was that the new technology MADE them more money then they would have ever had otherwise. Yet, the MPAA states: "...four out of ten movies never recoup the original investment." Is this solely the result of piracy, or of poor management, over-production, or just plain "bad movies"? I think that piracy is hardly the culprit in most cases.

However, the reason why I do feel somewhat sympathetic toward MPAA, is that in about 90% of the cases, unlike music, viewing a movie once uses most of the value of the product. That is, once you've seen the movie, you are not likely to want to pay for it again, unless it is on your list of favorites. Music you want to listen to over and over, and in fact, the more you listen the more you might like it. I recently saw a movie I thought was very good, but have enough of a backlist of movies I want to see, that I probably won't see it again unless I happen to run into it on cable. There are always exceptions of course, Disney is the biggest winner here; how many parents do you think will buy Finding Nemo in DVD? And they now sell every movie they made since the 1930's in DVD format!

Anyway, I respect their right to want to make money -BUT- to create a win-win situation, the movie industry has to address the concerns of the consumer, embrace the technology instead of fight it (i.e., don't alienate your customers like RIAA!), and the industry will be profitable for a long time to come, as long as you can manage your business effectively. Here are some key points:
* I think it would be OK to copy-protect videos as long as I can watch it as often as I like without restrictions
* The distributor/studio, etc. should automatically provide free lifetime replacements, without question, for damaged media thereby addressing concerns of consumers who want "backup" copies
* I just paid big bucks for a movie, get rid of all the advertisements for God's sake!

The Learning Disabled Channel

RANT ALERT! I used to like the Discovery Channel and TLC, but now I feel that they have left their original reason-for-existence behind, and have become part of the general "mush" that is television. They had a show that 'hit it big'...you know the one...Trading Spaces. Don't get me wrong, I even like the show, but do they EVER show anything else now!?! In years gone by, I would be able to turn on either of these channels and learn something new and interesting: how things work, ancient history, science, sociology, etc. Now, I learn how Joe's neighbor will react to him painting their den pink...give me a break. And all that you see on the other channel is Junkard Wars. Folks at TLC/Discovery please note, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing!! I think they are just trying to ride the "reality TV" wave and get higher ratings--which I assume has worked--but at what cost? I no longer watch these channels, and I miss their old incarnations. It's a shame really.

New Definition for 'Wiener Dog'

ZAGREB (Reuters) - A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman's fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday. The visibly drunk man was walking down the street and started swearing and shouting at the woman for no reason. He then shoved his penis through her fence, unaware her dog was on the other side, police said. The bitten man himself reported the incident to the police.
The 36-year-old was taken to hospital with light injuries but later sent home. He will be charged with "insulting the moral feelings of citizens" and "violation of public order."

I would have been better off as a fish!

From the annals of the "Slightly Depressing, but Interesting"...

In some species, such as coho salmon and quail, weedier, less aggressive males are the top choice of females, New Scientist magazine said on Wednesday.

"People just expect the dominant guy to win. But females learn through personal experience that these males can be hurtful," according to Alex Ophir, of Canada's McMaster University in Ontario. Ophir proved the point by observing Japanese quail. After female quail watched a fight between two males they were put in the same cage with the combatants. Virgin females preferred the winner but the females with some sexual experience tended to choose the loser.

Two Jokes

JOKE 1:

This cab driver in the Bronx picks up a drunk from a bar about 3 in the morning.
About halfway home, the drunk asks the driver, "Hey buddy, you got room up there for 2 six packs and a pizza?"
The cab driver says, "Sure."
The drunk says, "Well here ya go," then he leans over the front seat and throws up.

JOKE 2:
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens the door and sees the same man.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

Cell phones don't kill people....

RANT ALERT! Previously I ranted about how cars are too safe today (See Jun 27th entry). The safety patrol recently banned using a handheld phone while driving in many places (all of NY state, some of NJ, plus others). This is all well and good, since a headset is better anyway. But if the theory is that having your hand off the wheel for an extended time is dangerous, I see many smokers who drive one-handed; and if you need to drop a cell phone in an emergency you can, but dropping a lit cigarette is not recommended. I actually dont have anything against smoking in the car, I just want to point out the strange rationale of it all.

Now I see a law trying to be passed in my home state that will make the following illegal: putting on makeup (amen to that); reading (duh!); eating (uh-oh), and a few other various "dangerous activities". I understand this to a large extent, especially when I see people doing these stupid things (some people more than one at a time!) while driving. But NOW - I heard some politicians/law makers are considering banning cell phones period -- headset or no headset! That's just plain dumb! Their conjecture is that having a conversation while driving is distracting. While this is true to some extent, just about everything is distracting while driving! It's not what your do, just how many are happening at once. If you are having a conversation, while eating, and blasting the radio (which is pretty bad manners)-- you will likely crash the second any other car does something out of the ordinary. But if having a conversation is distracting, then I guess I can't have any passengers in my car anymore, or at least they have to sit quietly and "behave themselves". I guess we'll have to leave kids home from now on, since they are by far the most distracting thing on the road. I'm sure it won't be long before the audio books-on-tape I listen to (which does take some concentration) will be banned as well. Personally, as long as the activity doesn't require you to take your eyes off the road, it should be okay.

But if we want to make the roads safer, let's ban the following:
* Toll booths (digging for change is very dangerous at 60mph!)
* People who can't stay in the lines even when they're sober
* Anyone wearing a big ol' hat while driving
* Driving less than 20 mph in the left lane
* Using your brakes while going through a green light
* Cars that are so large they need a stairway to climb into

Ready...Speak...Think...

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 41, Winston-Salem, NC

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

This one had the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to snow heavily and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

If You Like Cats...You'll Hate This!

Here is the Clay Kitty Shooting video game. It will use up a lot of your time. Have fun!

Weapons of Mass What??

Maybe we'll still find them.

What Good Are They?

I am no biologist (as you'll soon see), and I realize that all the living things here on Earth are supposed to be here for some reason, such as worms are good for the soil, spiders and birds eat the other bugs, ants and bees do their jobs as well, etc. However, there are definitely some things that I wonder what their purpose in the universe is...

Here is a list of creatures that I believe if they were to disappear tomorrow, very few (if any) other living things would miss them:

Ticks

Gnats

Mosquitos

Jellyfish

Sloths

Talk Show Hosts

and, of course Politicians

I would have also included pigeons in this list, however, it appears that they are now all employeed by Google. Here is a job description for them. Later.

Science Run Amok

In an effort to address one of the more serious problems of modern life, Venezuelan scientists have created wind-free beans. Now you can eat all you want, without disturbing your neighbors. Some would say that this takes all of the fun out of the food. What's next: coconuts with twist-off caps? corn-on-the-cob with zippered husks? brussel sprouts that taste like chocolate? And we'll have to update everyone's favorite poem to "Beans, beans, they're good for your heart...The End"

Flashback to 3rd grade for eBay employees

Internal memo from Execs at eBay that states there will be No Talking at your desks people! If you get a pass to go to the coffee room, you can talk there... Anyone want to auction off a Free Pass to Talk at Your Desk on ebay? Don't they know that the employees can just goof off by using chat, or playing Unreal Tournament?

Hieroglyphs, Orange Cones, Bad Guys, and ISPs

EVER wonder what your name would look like in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics?
Of couse, doesn't everyone! Well, here is the site that will translate that for you: http://magma.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/egypt/translator.html.
See if you can figure out what this means: forearm-vulture-loaf-owl-forearm.

IF you have already joined Sierra, GreenPeace, Audobon, WWF, and the Historical Preservation Society of America, here is one more that is a must have: The Traffic Cone Preservation Society. Check out the site, especially the page on evolution of traffic cones. It's very educational.

CRIMINALS always seem to be either geniuses, or really, really stupid. Of course, the stupid ones are much more interesting and funny to read about. Here is a site on Dumb Criminal Acts; check out the Top 10.

TIRED of your ISPs promises, poor service, and high-cost. Well check out SchnellNet. Read how a "real" ISP should be run. The best part is the search engine. Type in anything and do a search.

Duck Season...Wabbit Season...(guess again!)

Someone better keep an eye on this guy Burdick...I would expect that he may wind up in jail soon. He invented a game that costs guys $5-10K to hunt naked women in Las Vegas. The women get paid $2500 to do it. Hey, that's not a bad profit for only supplying paintball equipment! Of course, the women probably have to spend most of their money on burn salve after wandering naked in Nevada all day.

Dorm Space is Tight These Days

This young woman lost the dorm room lottery and was only entitled to a small amount of space that did not use any floor space in the dorm.

Thanks for your tuition!

Don't Get Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed

BERLIN (Reuters) - The heatwave sweeping Germany claimed an unlikely victim when a man sleeping on a roof to escape the high temperatures rolled off, suffering fatal injuries, Berlin police said Wednesday. A tenant of the building found the 28-year-old still alive after his 70-foot fall, but he later died in hospital. The man had bedded down with two friends as temperatures neared 30 degrees Celsius (86 Fahrenheit) in the German capital. The friends only learned of the man's fate after being awakened and informed by police. "The man must have ended up on the steep part of the roof and fallen off," said Berlin police in a statement. His sleeping bag remained hanging off the gutter of the tiled roof.

Secretly Extend Your Lunch Hour!

This website will put a big digital clock on your computer screen, but the advantage is you tell it how many minutes you want in an hour! So if you tell it there are 66 minutes in an hour, it will run just slightly slow -- almost imperceptible...and you get a free 6 minutes for lunch (or whatever). I am thinking of using it in meetings and do the opposite - tell it there are 50 minutes in the hour, when the clock reaches 12:00 the meeting is over! If anyone thinks of even better ways to use it, let me know!

Funny Bumper Stickers

Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Archeologists will date any old thing
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I am trying to graduate witha 4.0...blood alcohol level!
Milk sucks, got beer?
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!
Honk if you hate noise pollution
Honk if you think I'm Jesus
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
Honk if you have never seen an ouzi fired from a car window.
Guys are great...every girl should own one!
I live with fear and danger every day, but sometimes she lets me go fishing.
Money does Buy Happiness. Give me $20 And I will smile.
I've managed to consolidate all of my bills into one single GARBAGE CAN!
If 10% is good enough for God, it aught to be good enough for the IRS
Never take investment advice from someone who's working.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left

Homeless Advertising

One company had decided it has had enough of homeless begging for money and decided to put them to work. Of course, some people complained that they don't want to see advertisements everytime the turn around and everywhere they go...I assume they would rather see crazy, smelly homeless people shaking a cup at them!? Maybe after enough days this guy could earn enough to get him a free pizza and an upclass cardboard box near the park. :-))

My Web Pick for the Week

Adam Sandler's web site is very funny. Check out the Features page (you'll need a high-speed connection).

Death Row Final Meals

I'll Take That to Go!
Ever wonder what death-row inmates order for their last meal? Well now the king of capital punishment--the state of Texas--lists the final meals on their corrections website here: http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm. What's with the guy who ordered fruit and a garden salad? Does he think the chicken fried steak would be bad for his health? -- Or is he just avoiding anything with the word "fried" in it!

Monster.com Gets Even More Depressing

Salary Timer
If you would like to track your salary on an hour-by-hour basis against some of the more famous celebrities, this depressing site will help you do that! After about 15 minutes I couldn't take it anymore....damn you Tiger Woods!

Something a bit more serious...

I did not verify the info in this post - but thought the point was worth noting...
THE 4TH OF JULY

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they?

Twenty four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his Ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, & his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, & poverty was his reward. Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.
Remember: freedom is never free!

Happy Independence Day

Need Some Holiday Activites?
Here are a few links that will keep you entertained during those long, hazy days of of the 3-day weekend.

First a link to a classic video game, Frogger. That's right kids, this was as good as it got when we were kids! We didn't have any of those fancy first-person shooter, virtual reality, gameboy, stuff...Enoy this blast from the (recent?) past.

Next, this flash game of fling the cow into a target seems mindless, but it's like potato chips...I'll bet you can't play just one!

Finally, here is a link to display any text message you want (keep it clean) to a someone else's screensaver, and to see the results via his webcam. Over 300,000 messages so far! Have fun.

Don't Call Us...

By now everyone has heard of the US Government's 'Do Not Call' list that will supposedly keep tele-marketers from calling you as of Oct 1st.
[In case you have been living in a cave- and your cave has internet access -here is the link: http://www.donotcall.gov ]
This link was overwhelmed so badly the first 2 days that the server could not handle the traffic. After only a few days, there were over 10 Million numbers entered into the database! Doesn't this tell you something? Maybe the Gov't should stop wasting everyone's time and avoid the complex task of updating and distributing databases, etc., and just disallow tele-marketing calls in the first place!! If everyone in the US is on the list what's the point of having a list? Obviously, everyone doesn't want to be called. Wouldn't it be easier to just have a 'Please Call Me! I'm Lonely' list and this way tele-marketers can call those who are interested...my guess is that this website would not be overwhelmed. I guess it would be http://www.callmeplease.gov/imlonely.html.

The Absolute Best TV Commercial Ever!!

It won't be seen in the US since it is "too long", and everyone knows we have no attention span….what was I saying? Oh yeah...This 2 minute ad took over 600 takes to get just one where everything went perfectly…it is not edited from piecemeal shots, but was executred exactly as shown. Enjoy.
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html

Sesame Out Reach Project

In an effort to reach the inner-inner city kids the Sesame Workshop has created a new series called Sesame Alley (Dutch version SesamStraat shown below). Many of the most loved characters can be found in this 'hood as well!

CARS TODAY ARE TOO SAFE!
They keep making cars safer (ABS, all-wheel drive, side impact bags, etc.) and now they are talking about banning cell phone use completley-- even with a headset. Don't they know that talking to a passenger is even more distracting? Will they ban passengers and children from cars soon? And yet, people still drive like dangerous idiots-- why? Because they feel TOO SAFE! I think that if we made cars so unsafe that people were nervous to be in them, everyone would drive a lot more carefully! So let's see the following in next year's models:
* Random-locking brakes
* Shattering glass
* All plastic and balsa bodies (saves on gas too!)
* No seatbelts
* Steering column works 98% of the time
* Firestone tires for everyone!

I ALWAYS KNEW THIS WAS TRUE!


If you would like your own bad fortune cookie, you can go here and get one yourself!

THE BIG QUESTION
I realize most people want to know how it got up there; but my question is, "How did he get down? The doors are blocked by the trees and it looks awfully high up!"

FLY ME TO THE MOON
Wanna own an acre of property for only $30? You can do so by following this link. The land is cheap, the view is great, but the round-trip airfare is a bit pricey (say about $60M).

You've Got To Be Kidding!!
It's not John, Paul, George, or even Ringo -- but if this story is true, I believe that we will see a new "B"-movie based on a whole trailer park infected just like this poor kid.
Guys, you're not gonna like this!

ANOTHER CAN'T MISS ANNUAL EVENT
The moon will rise over AmTrak in California. Book your tickets now before the train is all sold out...or come as a participant and show your best side.

IF THEY HAVE TO WARN YOU--
IT MEANS THAT SOMEONE HAS ALREADY TRIED IT
Here is a list of things NOT to do on a unicycle. I can sense guys everwhere already guarding their crotch before the page is even loaded...enjoy!

IF YOU ALREADY BOUGHT THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
Here is a unique "marketing opportunity" for those looking for the next new thing.
It will also improve quality of life for those living in areas where water is scarce. They are having a 2-for-1 sale so hurry! :-) And if you buy some, I have some swamp land to sell really cheap!!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE CANDIDATES COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE
Jerry Springer makes a run for it!
Maybe we should make a run for it? Watch out Canada...here we come!

Danger of Consuming Too Much Alcohol
Here is a funny link
The more of these things that have happened to you, the more likely that you have a problem ;-)

Martha Stewart's Living
Help Martha Decorate Her Cell Contest Winners
I didn't want to jump on the Martha bandwagon, but the above link is too funny...
I wonder if she worries that wearing horizontal stripes will make her look fat?

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE RAIN -- NOT!
This spring is ridiculous. The east coast has been in unseasonably cold and rainy weather for months! I'm thinking of moving to Seattle where it is drier.
So we get a few days of sun and then whammo - more rain. Of course, the one or 2 nice days, I have to cut the grass (which is now 3 feet high from all the rain) and suffer through allergies. -- Did I mention that I'm an optimist?

There are three kinds of people: those that can count, and those that can't.

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE
Wrigley's is considering making a gum containing Viagra
(ref: http://www.cnn.com/2003/HEALTH/06/17/otsc.gupta/index.html ).
In this regard I would like to point out a few things:
------------
* Remember to take the gum out of your mouth before you have sex
* One piece at a time people-- you don't want to wind up in the E.R.
* For God's sake keep it away from your teenagers!
* When you are done with it: Spit it out, don't swallow it....

Possible Names for this gum:
* Long John's
* BigSquirt (has a liquid center)
* Rocket (to take be sold near Orbit gum)
* AttaBoy
* Big Red (change the current gum)
* Gum to Papa

Possible Flavors?:
* Italian Sausage
* Chocolate
* Double Chocolate
* Mexican Chimichanga
* CondomMint

Thoughts while eating at a chinese restaurant:
* Why are those photos of the menu items that hang on the wall at the chinese restaurant look like they were taken in 1950? They're all over-exposed and you certainly can't think the food is appetizing.
* What in God's name is that slime that coats most chinese food? I think it's where the goo in MooGoo Gai Pan comes from.
* Is there any egg in an Eggroll?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Another Euphemism for bodily function #2:
"Taking the Browns to the Superbowl!"
(apologies to the people in Cleveland:-)

I've always thought that if I didn't have to work (i.e. was filthy rich), I would still have some sort of job to keep myself from being totally bored...now, I think I may have been wrong. So, in order to finally determine the correct answer, I am asking anyone who would like to take part in this experiment--by allowing me to live off of their fortune and see if I get bored by not doing anything--please contact me. Thank you.