Another Industry that Should Die

Greeting Cards
Seriously. I know that guys aren't big on this stuff anyway - but now it's REALLY getting annoying. I went to the card store to by three cards the other day (birthday, anniversary, and baby) and I dropped over $12!! For what?! It's bad enough they have to kill trees to make this stuff, but twelve dollars! How much are you paying the guys who come up with the cute sayings and lame poems on these things?

Send an e-card - it will save the forest. And if you really like paper and snail mail, make your own card or write a note by hand; it's more personal anyway. And you can save your money for something better...like playoff tickets.

You Know You're Fat When...

Americans are definitely getting fatter.
We've all heard the yo' mama so fat jokes (e.g., Yo mama so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds.) Well, Here is a news article from Reuters:

Longer Needles Needed for Fatter Butts
CHICAGO (Reuters) - Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday.

Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.

Two-thirds of the 50 patients in the study did not receive the full dosage of the drug, which instead lodged in the fat tissue of their buttocks, researchers from The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin said in a presentation to the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America.

Besides patients receiving less than the correct drug dosage, medications that remain lodged in fat can cause infection or irritation, researchers Victoria Chan said.

"There is no question that obesity is the underlying cause. We have identified a new problem related, in part, to the increasing amount of fat in patients' buttocks," Chan said.


Did you ever wonder if those aluminum foil helmets really work?

Look now more! Finally, here is an Empirical Study of their effectiveness from none other than the (arguably) finest technical institute in the USA, MIT.

Now I am safe from Government control, UFO alien mind altering, and other "bad" things.


Unusual Items for the Office

First visit the office supply store Stooples "Office Tools for Hopeless Fools". It includes such goodies as:
* A Rumor Mill
* Sissy Wrist Rests
* Typo Whip
* Downsizing LSD

and more.

After that - go to the Despair.com for some demotivators ala Dilbert. Here you can buy office products with such sayings as:
* Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
* Get To Work - You're not being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
* Idiocy - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
* Meetings - None of us is as dumb as all of us.


The Grossest Toy Ever - The Spit Brothers

The Spit Brothers - Joined at the saliva since birth (yuk)

How to Make a Killer Product

Last year it was home tattoo kits, coffee-flavored cigars, and anything golf. This year if you want to create a product that will sell like hotcakes for Christmas, just do one or more of the following:

* Put "i" in front of your product and make sure that an iPod either connects to it, enhances it, or at least can be placed near it. For example, the iCanOpener, iPlunger, and the new Seeing iDog. Also, don't forget the iBuzz Vibrator (a real product).

* Make sure it works with Hybrid power technology or gets 50 miles per gallon. Example is the new PSP video game that runs off of hybrid power from pigeon droppings.

* Make sure there is a picture of Sponge Bob.

* Use the old standby of "sex sells." This works best in conjunction with one of the other above ideas, e.g. iBuzz and the new Barbie Loves Sponge Bob toy. {Rumor has it there will be a Porn star Barbie - be on the look out.}


Early Christmas Ideas (I swear these are real)

It's never too early to start thinking about getting your Christmas shopping done.

Here are this year's cool new ideas for gifts - especially for those who have everything:

The R/C Graffiti Writer - for the liitle hoodlum you love so much you don't want him to get caught.

The Office Prankster is also remote controlled. Hide the remote speaker under someone's desk; gather 'round your officemates and watch the fun.

Another way to look dorky. If your friend/relative/SO already has that wireless cell phone-thingy attached to his/her ear - here is something for you to get for their iPod: Wireless Earbuds. This should hold him over until they can surgically implant speakers into his head ("this one goes to 11.")

Here's one for that future alcoholic in your life: The Bottle Blaster which allows you to hide some hooch for those times when a little discretion is needed...like, around children, church, or appearing in court.

Do you live with someone who is a slob? Tired of cleaning off the table with their piles of cr@p? Check out the Table That Clears Itself. Why didn't I think of that?

And you've heard the expression "As cold as a witch's tit"? well - there's no need for that anymore! Yes, it's the Heated Bra (see photo) - Get one for the witch in your life. I'm surprised the Japanese invented this one...I would have put my money on the Swedes.


Genetic Mutations I Would Like to See...

Since they are getting close to being able to manipulate our genetic code to create and modify us to become better, faster, stronger (just like the 6 million dollar man) - I would like to put in my requests for the following:

1) How about making our snot smell like Vicks Vapor Rub, then we would never have a stuffed nose!

2) Change our taste buds so everything tastes like chocolate! Then it would be easy to stay on a tofu-only diet, and we would all be skinnier and healthier. Plus, I would suspect that women might like this for another reason ;-)


Funny but True Classified Ads

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
[Is this an ad from Al Qaeda?]

German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
[I don't want any dog smarter than me!]

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
[Here's a gift for my neighbors!]

For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
[So that's about 65,000% off list price!]

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!
[At least it's better than last week's free sample of Syphillis!]

Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb
[So where did the baked Alaska come from?]

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
[I think I know where this place is!]

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
[Please send photo first...]

Stock up and save. Limit: one.
[It better be a really big one.]

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
[So does this make them "honest" used car guys?]

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
[Do you have a catalog?]

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
[So much for the smoked beef in vodka sauce.]

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
[The scary thing is this ad is in the paper every week - he must go "through" a lot of assistants!]


Things to Ponder

If a person who plays the piano called a pianist then is a person who drives a race car called a racist?

What would a mime do if he really was stuck in a glass box?

When an actor plays himself, why is he still called an actor?

Is cloud 8 really that much worse than cloud 9?

Does anybody else find it ironic that in celebration of President's Day, the government shuts down?

How do you know it's new and improved dog food?

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

Why does the Children's Tylenol bottle state 'keep away from small children'?

How come there isn't a Betty Rubble in Flintstone Vitamins?

If you work in the Doctor's office, can you call in sick?

How do you dilute water?

If evolution really works how come Mothers only have two hands?


Put Words in George W's Mouth

Here is a cool site I found called Dubbya Says. It's a blog, plus a place to buy T-shirts and stuff, and all of them have W's image on them (even the ladies underwear!) -- but the cool thing is that you can change the text to say whatever you want...even something smart (as per the website).

There are some good quotes from Dubbya's many "speeches" and ad libs...
Some of the quotes already on the stuff is kinda funny; like the apron that says "Now you're cooking with oil!" or the shirt that says: "Men are from Mars, Women think I'm a penis."


Evil Home Study Course

So You've Decided to Become Evil. Congratulations.

A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the forces of darkness. I think the author is Kathy Lee Gifford...but not sure.

The Internet has made our lives so much more easy and convenient, don't ya think?

I mean in the old days, I would've had to go to the creepy old ladies house in the woods, or at least the DMV -- but now I can stay in the comfort of my own home and learn the ropes.