How's Your Bathroom Etiquette?

The Int'l Center for Bathroom Etiquette is just the place to go if you were wondering about Talking in the Bathroom, Which Sink to Use, Kiddie Urinals, Which Way to Hang the Toilet Paper, etc. They even have an online training guide. How handy with all the holidays coming up!

There is a forum for you to post all those nagging questions you've had over the years and get them answered. Here is a typical entry:
Q: "What is the best angle of incidence for one to urinate at so as to create the minimum quantity of "splashback"?
A: "Well that's a tough one to answer, since it can often depend a lot on the shape of the urinal itself. I find however that typically it's best to pee more or less pointing downwards, as opposed to straight out. If you pee straight out it will deflect back into your leg, but if you aim the pee down it tends to get trapped in the bottom of the bowl. Maybe we need to run some computer simulations on this one."

They are looking for more women correspondents... Ladies...anyone?


Customers Suck

Here are some (supposedly) real questions customers have asked various store workers, (and some snyde comments by yours truly):

Where does the film go in the digital camera?

On the phone: "I got caught for shoplifting a year ago. Can I come back and shop yet?"
[Please Ms. Ryder, do not call us--we'll call you!]

Is your Sunset Dinner Cruise on a boat?" followed by: "is there any meal on there?"
[Answer: Does the Titanic have deck chairs?]

Do you sell metal thinner?
[Thinner than what?]

Where are your telephones and microwaves? (When you work in a dollar store)
[In the Barbie section]

Is your chicken parmesan made from chicken?
[No, it's made BY chickens.]

My nephew is 6 years old. What size would he be?
[How old are you? "30." Well, then he's one fifth of your size!]

I broke this, can I have a discount?
[If I set your house on fire, can I have the insurance money?]

Are the red seedless grapes seedless?
[You mean those green ones?]

This version of the Matrix DVD is in widescreen.....How wide does my TV have to be to be able to see it?
[At least 57". Did I tell you about our big screen sale?]

Do you sell a parmesan cheese shaker in the shape of a rat?
[Doesn't everyone?]

Where are your kidney gifts?
[Right near the anniversary bladders, why do you ask?]

What color are your blue tarps?
[Gold, of course]

How can you legally sell buffalo wings, don't you know that they are extinct?
[OK, Jessica Simpson!]

I bought this item 6 years ago. I don't have a receipt and I'm not even sure if I bought it here. Can I get a cash refund?
[* smack! *]

Do you take expired coupons?
[Only if you take expired food.]

Do you have a dvd rewinder?
[Yes, they're next to the 8-track read/write drives.]

How much will a 5 gallon tank hold?
[19 liters]

Can I order from the menu?
[No it's just for show.]

"Do you have Windows 95 for Sony Playstation?
[Why ruin a good playstation?]


Saddam the Homeless

Well, Saddam is captured and it only took South Park about 2 days to come up with a new episode that featured Saddam in his unkempt look to appear on TV. I wonder how long that trial will go on?! Maybe the Iraqis aren't like the Americans and can have a quick trial--this one shouldn't take a genius to conduct...If Saddam's daughter, who is hiring the best lawyers, is really smart she would get Cochran as the lawyer and Ito as the Iraqi judge. She would be sure to win.

If you still think there are Weapons of Mass Destruction to be found, you can help in the search by plating the WMD Video Game! Have fun and good luck...

Lord of the Nerds

If you are not tired of the Rings trilogy yet and want to know your "Hobbit Name" visit this site.

If you are tired of the same old videos then visit this site for stupid videos: I recommend 'Scare the Cat' and 'Dan is Good'.


Italy vs Europe

For those of you who have been to Italy and the rest of Europe (and even those who haven't), here is a funny animation that demonstrates the differences:-))



A Christmas Poem

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my butt for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night... The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, Those a$$holes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits. They want the impossible ..Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them... They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason... I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!




OK - That wasn't just to get your attention. I actually have some entries for my blog on my favorite sayings about -- you guessed it...Sex.

"It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I know why, too. It's because they've been up half the night begging for it."

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

"I thought my wife was just being romantic when she sprinkled talcum powder in my underwear. Turns out it wasn't talcum powder after all... it was Miracle Gro."

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax."

"I have a lot of issues with sex, mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler."

"I was pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer. She said to me, 'Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you' So I said, 'Tits'"


In The News...

A town in Italy is paying couples $11,900 to have babies...I think here in the US there are certain people we should pay NOT to have kids...ever! I'd chip in for that!

Here's something for everyone's Christmas list: The mouse genome is now available in a hardback addition! -- I think I'll wait for the movie.

In Florida, the true spirit of Xmas was foiled when police busted a Christmas Trees for Crack campaign. "Two men arrested for stealing Christmas trees from a Rotary Club tent said they intended to exchange them for crack cocaine or food."
- Do you want a sandwich or some crack?
- "I'll take the crack please..."
- "Do you want fries with that?"

After two 14-year old boys shot a BB gun at another boy in a wheelchair, the judge sentenced them to sit in a wheelchair for 2 days at the mall. After also attacking a "senior citizen" the judge ordered them to wear their pants real high, eat dinner at 4:30pm, make funny smacking noises with their lips, and watch Wheel of Fortune.

Today's Party Pooper File: Now they say moderate drinking is bad for you, and it can shrink your brain...Just when I had gotten into a healthy drinking habit, now they say...now they say...what? never mind....

Today's Irony File: A man was arrested for armed robbery and identified by his tattoo, which read: 'Not Guilty'.


A guy knows he's in love when...

"... he loses interest in his car for a couple a days" - Tim Allen


Bad Pick Up Lines

Guys -
Looking for someone special to share the holiday season with? Whatever you do, do not use these lines. They have been tested in a double blind study recently and resulted in more slaps and "walk-aways" than any others. Here they are:

That shirt looks very becoming on you...and if I were on you I'd be coming too.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it or not?

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No, huh...So you want to go somewhere and talk?

Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?

Hey baby, you want to see something swell?

* This has been a public service announcement...


Other Notes

"There are so many cereals nowadays: Cracklin' Oat Bran, and Horkin Fiber Chunks. Cereal used to come with a free prize, now it comes with a free roll of toilet paper in every box." - Denis Leary

"(Rueters) The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!"

Some Rules for Life

Here is another installment of Some Rules for Life, that is, things to remember that will make your life easier.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose...

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving! You didn't eat or drink too much did you?
I just used the title of the blog to get your attention since I thought it was pretty funny. Not sure where it came from though. It was interesting how many T-shirts I saw this long weekend related to drinking. I saw some in the mall, some on the street, and appropriately enough, some in the bars and restaurants.

Here are the four I can remember:

=> I'm NOT an alcoholic! I'm a drunk - alcoholics go to meetings.
=> Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
=> You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
=> When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!