Ladies Guide to Understanding Men

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it; And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.


Before You Die (and Second Life)

Entering 'before you die' as a phrase in Amazon.com gets me the following results:

* 1,000 Places to See Before You Die
* Unforgettable Things to Do Before You Die
* Unforgettable Places to See Before You Die
* Unforgettable Journeys to Take Before You Die
* 101 Things to Do Before You Die
* 101 Things Not to Do Before You Die
* 101 Things to Buy Before You Die
* 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die
* 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die
* Ten Fun Things to Do Before You Die

There is even a '1,000 Places to See Before You Die' Game & Puzzle!

The way I figure it I am really far behind. I have about 777 books to read, 368 albums to listen to, 66 things to buy, and about 4200 places to visit! I would have to quit my job now to get all of this done. And where would I get the money to travel to all these places?

If nothing else, I can derive one thing from the list above to live a more fulfilling life: Turn off the TV!

There are a ton of people out there now who are spending all of their time getting a Second Life and doing nothing with their First (i.e., real) life. Here's a hint for you - when your First Life is over, so will your Second Life! (Can you put your second life avator/account in your will?)

What do you want to do with your First Life? Go over to 43 Things and type it in - now.


More Wright-isms

* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* If everything is going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Verizon Online are Clueless

I have had many problems this year with Verizon Online (DSL) customer care.
Here is another example of their cluelessness...

My DSL was sown since Friday. I was told on Saturday by Tech Support to call 'Orders' on Monday to get a new modem --

OK, so I've tried a few times today (Monday) and afer several minutes of holding to Muzak each time I got a "Due to the large volume of calls, we will not be able to service your request at this time - please call again later." I was then disconnected -- or should I say -- Hung Up on. Since I did call at lunch time, it was possible there was a large volume.

I then did some research online and then found out that since today is a holiday (Columbus Day) - the 'Orders' department is closed!

So it's bad enough that the tech support didn't know this - I can even overlook that - but shouldn't there be a freakin' message that says "Please call back on Tuesday - We're Closed!" ?

Do I really need to sit on the phone for several minutes and be hung up on repeatedly, only to be led to believe it was high-volume, not a company holiday?!



Life Imitates Art (Star Trek)

The original cellular Flip Phone:

The original Bluetooth device: