12/13/2006

14 Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn — by Dave Barry
{not sure if this is really by Dave Barry since I got it via another site}

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

11/28/2006

Tips for the Golf Course

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Don't take extra strokes.

10. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

10/20/2006

Ladies Guide to Understanding Men

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it; And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

10/17/2006

Before You Die (and Second Life)

Entering 'before you die' as a phrase in Amazon.com gets me the following results:

* 1,000 Places to See Before You Die
* Unforgettable Things to Do Before You Die
* Unforgettable Places to See Before You Die
* Unforgettable Journeys to Take Before You Die
* 101 Things to Do Before You Die
* 101 Things Not to Do Before You Die
* 101 Things to Buy Before You Die
* 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die
* 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die
* Ten Fun Things to Do Before You Die

There is even a '1,000 Places to See Before You Die' Game & Puzzle!

The way I figure it I am really far behind. I have about 777 books to read, 368 albums to listen to, 66 things to buy, and about 4200 places to visit! I would have to quit my job now to get all of this done. And where would I get the money to travel to all these places?

If nothing else, I can derive one thing from the list above to live a more fulfilling life: Turn off the TV!

There are a ton of people out there now who are spending all of their time getting a Second Life and doing nothing with their First (i.e., real) life. Here's a hint for you - when your First Life is over, so will your Second Life! (Can you put your second life avator/account in your will?)

What do you want to do with your First Life? Go over to 43 Things and type it in - now.

10/13/2006

More Wright-isms

* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* If everything is going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

10/09/2006

Verizon Online are Clueless

I have had many problems this year with Verizon Online (DSL) customer care.
Here is another example of their cluelessness...

My DSL was sown since Friday. I was told on Saturday by Tech Support to call 'Orders' on Monday to get a new modem --

OK, so I've tried a few times today (Monday) and afer several minutes of holding to Muzak each time I got a "Due to the large volume of calls, we will not be able to service your request at this time - please call again later." I was then disconnected -- or should I say -- Hung Up on. Since I did call at lunch time, it was possible there was a large volume.

I then did some research online and then found out that since today is a holiday (Columbus Day) - the 'Orders' department is closed!

So it's bad enough that the tech support didn't know this - I can even overlook that - but shouldn't there be a freakin' message that says "Please call back on Tuesday - We're Closed!" ?

Do I really need to sit on the phone for several minutes and be hung up on repeatedly, only to be led to believe it was high-volume, not a company holiday?!

IDIOTS!

10/03/2006

Life Imitates Art (Star Trek)

The original cellular Flip Phone:



The original Bluetooth device:

9/28/2006

What to send someone you don't like

In advance of the quickly upcoming Christmas season...the season of goodwill and love toward all...Here is a gift for those you wish would drop off the face of the Earth -
Ass in a Box

Why put yourself at risk mooning someone in person, when you can use the power of the Internet and fast delivery? Also - it is sent anonymously!
Enjoy.


Interesting Fact about Jellyfish and some Co-workers

I was reading about Jellyfish recently -- which aren't really fish, but plankton -- and found one thing in particular rather...fascinating: Their mouth is also their anus.

As soon as I read this I thought of a couple of people I know who also have this "condition". So now calling someone a jellyfish does not only refer to their spine-less personality, but can also mean they are good at spewing crap when they talk. I assume this also means that jellyfish have bad breath, and don't kiss on the mouth much :-)

9/16/2006

DO-RAY-ME-BEER

DO-RAY-ME-BEER by Homer Simpson

DOUGH -- the stuff that buys me beer
RAY -- the guy who sells me beer
ME -- the guy.. who drinks the beer
FAR -- the distance to my beer
SO -- I think I'll have a beer
LA -- La, la, la, la, la, la, beer
TEA -- no thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will bring us back to -- DOH!

8/24/2006

Be You, Be True

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss

8/11/2006

Rejected Childrens' Books

1. The Cat and the Hat Goes Postal
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Cutting, Welding and Cooking: An I-Can-Do-It-Myself Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. You Are Different and That's Bad
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Barney and Elmo Play Doctor
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. Torturing Your Younger Brother for Fun and Profit
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Fun Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

8/09/2006

Advertise Your Technology Site or Service



Here is another 500 words like site:

470TechWords.com

These link cloud sites seem to be a good way to generate traffic to blogs, websites, and mailing lists.


Keywords include:
WiFi, Blog, VPN, MySQL, CGI, HomePage, MySpace (and more!)

8/07/2006

Brain Droppings

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet...

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Help Desk Motto: "ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!"

8/04/2006

5ooWords Site for Real Estate Investing

The new wave in advertising is this concept behind 500words.com. I think it only works if you have a strong mailing list, but anyway - I thought I would pass this one on:

If you’ve seen the concept behind the 500words.com site then you know what a Link Tag Cloud is for advertising. Well, here is a pretty affordable one that is directed specifically at the Real Estate Investing industry. So if you sell services or products, or buy/selll properties you may want to take a look at it.

REILinkWords.com

8/01/2006

Weeds & Grass

Why is it I spend about 4000 hours a season trying to get get grass grow by weeding, seeding, fertilizing, aerating, raking, mowing, and watering...YET -- my lawn looks like a two-year old with a bottle of acid and a ride-on mower went through?

Worse still! There is a ton of grass that I have to REMOVE from the mulch and growing in cracks in the patio and sidewalk where I didnt do any of these things! Next year I am thinking of fertilizing and seeding the patio so that no grass will grow there - and maybe I can get some green over in the lawn where it belongs!

What idiot decided that grass should be grown in front of a home? How about moss? No maintenance, green all year, never need to cut it...That gets my vote.

7/31/2006

What really matters

This weekend was distressing. My son wiped out on his bike and was bloody all over and chipped his tooth. I felt terrible for him - whenever he gets hurt, I feel the pain worse (it's true). I had a stomach ache. I did my best to comfort him and clean his wounds -- and in true kid fashion, he was playing kickball within the hour. It bothered me long after he stopped thinking about it. Being a parent is tough.

Then I read about the missles that killed all the children in Lebanon, and the young soldiers killed in Iraq (yes, they are somebody's kids too) - and I feel a little foolish. No matter how many bruises, chips, and even broken bones a kid gets - it's a lot better than worrying about a bomb landing in your living room or being shot at...

I hope those people over there can get their act together.

7/27/2006

How to satisfy a woman (man) every time...

How to satisfy a woman every time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


How to satisfy a man every time:
Show up naked.

7/24/2006

D.C.

Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light.
– C.V.R.Thompson.

"There can't be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
- Henry Kissinger

"I love to go to Washington—if only to be near my money."
— Bob Hope

7/21/2006

Lip Reading to Remember

"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters."
- Brian Kiley

7/06/2006

Free SMS Text Messages

You can send free text messages to any US Phone by going to http://SMSsendtext.com.

There is also a place to download 25,000 free ringtones!

6/27/2006

Net Neutrality Up for Vote - Hurry!

Here's the latest from the Senate Commerce Committee, where a "mark-up" on several amendments to Senator Stevens' Telecom Act began today at 10 a.m.: The Snowe-Dorgan Net Neutrality amendment will probably come before the Committee by mid-to-late afternoon. If successfully passed, the amendment would put Net Neutrality language into the massive Telecommunications Act. This is critical.

If your (or your readers'/members') Senators sit on the committee, they need to hear from you immediately. Ask them to support the Snowe-Dorgan Net Neutrality amendment to the larger Telecom Act (S. 2686).

Here are the members of the committee who have not taken a strong position in favor of Internet freedom and for the Snowe-Dorgan Amendment. Please urge your members to call them now:

Chairman Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)
Phone: 202-224-3004

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.)
Phone: 202-224-2235

Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.)
Phone: 202-224-2353

Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Fla.)
Phone: 202-224-5274

Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.)
Phone: 202 224 3224

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.)
Phone: 202 224-4623

Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.)
Phone: 202-224-6253

Sen. Conrad Burns (R-Mont.)
Phone: 202-224-2644

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.)
Phone: 202-224-6551

Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.)
Phone: 202-224-6244

Sen. John E. Sununu (R-N.H.)
Phone: 202-224-2841

Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.)
Phone: 202-224-3753

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.)
Phone: 202 224-6121

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas)
Phone: 202-224-5922

Sen. George Allen (R-Va.)
Phone: 202-224-4024

Sen. John D. Rockefeller (D-W.Va.)
Phone: 202-224-6472

These phone calls actually make a difference.

Thank you for your good work on behalf of this campaign.

Tim Karr
Campaign Director
Free Press

P.S. Here are some recent articles and videos in support of SavetheInternet and Net Neutrality:

An Internet for the Few or the Many?
Michael Copps has a message for the technology industry when it comes to Net neutrality: Get involved.
CNet News.com

Don't Let the Service Providers Discriminate on the Internet
Two of the Internet's top business innovators made a case for Net Neutrality today in an op-ed written for the San Jose Mercury News. "Reinstating the Internet's core principle of net neutrality won't stand in the way of innovation," write John Doerr and Reed Hastings. "Indeed, net neutrality has, until recently, been the very foundation of Internet innovation."
San Jose Mercury News

Protecting Net Neutrality from the Neutricidal Telcos
For AT&T and Verizon to be screaming for the protection of the free market against Net Neutrality is "sheer hypocrisy," writes Internet guru Cory Doctorow. "They themselves are creatures of government regulation, basing their business on government-granted extraordinary privileges."
Information Week

No Tolls on the Internet
Only a Congress besieged by high-priced telecom lobbyists could possibly consider handing the Internet over to the handful of cable and telephone companies that control online access for 98 percent of the broadband market.
Washington Post

Also, check out these recent "Videos from the People:"
http://www.savetheinternet.com/blog/2006/06/26/videos-from-the-people/

6/23/2006

How old is SpongeBob?

Aside from the fact that SpongeBob can start a fire, visit the beach, blow bubbles, and play in the snow -- all while living underwater, I have trouble figuring out exactly how old he is.

How old would someone be that:

* Goes to school (teacher is Ms. Puffer)
* Works a job (Krusty Krab)
* Lives on his own (not counting his pet Gary)

So is he a kid that has no parental supervision and not subject to child labor laws? A teen? A grown-up who never graduated from elementary school?

Moral of Story: Kids -- stay in school unless you want to flip burgers and live in a pineapple with no one to keep you company except a snail.

6/21/2006

Something I've Always Known about New York City

Reader's Digest recently performed a "politeness" test in 35 major world cities. Guess who's on top? New York...that's right, it's a fallacy that New Yorkers are rude! I have been going there my whole life and rarely when I need help, or receive service do I get rudeness. New Yorkers speak their mind, which can be taken incorrectly as being rude, but if you need something or are being served - you usually will be satisfied.

Mumbai finished last by the way. No surprise for me there. I am pretty sure that this is a cultural thing. I know many Indian guys, and while most were pretty nice, they had behaviors that I would consider rude, especially in regard to women.

My 2 cents

6/16/2006

Something You Must Do!

Download, print and distribute this PDF Flyer to Save the Internet! Send it to Con-gress.

If you don't - life without Net Neutrality will allow ISPs to:

• Charge you extra for using certain Instant Messaging software.
• Make sites like Google, eBay or Facebook pay a tax to work properly on your computer.
• Prevent you from accessing the iTunes Store, while making their own higher-priced music service easy to access.
• Charge bloggers skyrocketing costs to post video and audio clips.
• Slow down online political organizations they don’t like or that don’t pay them protection money for faster service.
• Crush economic innovation — relegating the little guy with the next big idea to the “slow lane” of the information superhighway.

Here are some other important things you can do


Save the Net Now

6/15/2006

6/14/2006

Save The Internet from Big Corporations!

AT&T, Verizon, Time/Warner and all their lackeys want to control what you get on the Internet and how fast you get it. You can be sure that services like Skype will be reduced speed or unavailable. And if you like Yahoo, but AT&T has a deal with MSN, then you might not get everything you want...

This is essentially anti-capitalism by the same Government that is supposed to protect it! There will also be almost no chance of the little guy to become a big success

Hey Congress! What happened to supporting small business -- which is what really supports this country! Can't wait for voting Day!!


Save the Internet: Click here


Call your representative!
Become a friend on MySpace!

6/13/2006

Sweari n Multiple Languages

Going on a trip? Here is a resource to help you be the ugly American that you are... The Swearasaurus lets you learn ho wto say all the "important" words in over 170 languages!

6/08/2006

Avoid the Middleman

"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal." - Steven Wright

6/01/2006

Hollywood = Immortality (Marilyn Turns 80)




Today would be Marilyn Monroe's 80th birthday. !!!

I guess it's true -- Hollywood keeps you young forever. Can you imagine the woman who sang "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" (to JFK) hobbling around in a walker and wearing Depends?

She died before I was even born for crying out loud, but it still seems weird that if she were alive today, she would be 80.

5/29/2006

Fatalism

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
- Emo Philips

5/27/2006

Credit Card Companies - Are You Listening?!

Here is the slimyest thing that credit card companies do IMHO: [Are you guys listening?]
 
They used to use a 30-day grace period window to both calculate when your interest is due and to determine when your next payment was due. NOW, most of them have a 25-day grace period. Here is a direct quote:
"You have 25 days to repay your balance for purchases before a finance charge on purchases will be imposed. If the new balance is not paid in full within 25 days, a finance charge will apply to both the balance remaining (including current billing cycle transactions) and to all transactions during succeeding billing cycles until the new balance is paid in full."
 
So what does that mean?
  • They earn more interest
  • People are late more often due to the sliding due date and they get more exorbitant late fees
  • Worst one: Your bill is due at a different time each month

This is inconvenient on so many levels -- such as, you cannot use the online Billpay that your bank offers (in most cases).

But here is the worst thing -- like most people, my mortgage payment is due at the beginning of the month, and I get paid bi-weekly. So the first paycheck of the month gets eaten into a lot more than the second (due to the mortgage payment). But when the credit card bills migrate into the first half of the month, then I owe so much in the first half that there is little left until the next paycheck. It makes it very difficult to plan expenses this way!

I would rather pay a small annual fee to get a consistent pay date -- of my choice -- than to worry about having money the first half of any given month. I'm not sure if any provider even offers this; in fact, when I tried to search for this at creditcards.com and MSN MoneyCentral, there search criteria did not even let me search for it. (I wonder why?)

 
Ads by AdGenta.com

5/26/2006

Joke for the Long Weekend

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

------------------------------------
"Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
- Emo Philips

5/23/2006

Hypocritical Mexico (but a nice place to visit)

MEXICO CITY (AP) -- If Arnold Schwarzenegger had migrated to Mexico instead of the United States, he couldn't be a governor. If Argentina native Sergio Villanueva, firefighter hero of the Sept. 11 attacks, had moved to Tecate instead of New York, he wouldn't have been allowed on the force.

Even as Mexico presses the United States to grant unrestricted citizenship to millions of undocumented Mexican migrants, its officials at times calling U.S. policies "xenophobic," Mexico places daunting limitations on anyone born outside its territory.

In the United States, only two posts - the presidency and vice presidency - are reserved for the native born. In Mexico, non-natives are banned from those and thousands of other jobs, even if they are legal, naturalized citizens.

Foreign-born Mexicans can't hold seats in either house of the congress. They're also banned from state legislatures, the Supreme Court and all governorships. Many states ban foreign-born Mexicans from spots on town councils. And Mexico's Constitution reserves almost all federal posts, and any position in the military and merchant marine, for "native-born Mexicans."

Recently the Mexican government has gone even further. Since at least 2003, it has encouraged cities to ban non-natives from such local jobs as firefighters, police and judges.

Mexico's Interior Department - which recommended the bans as part of "model" city statutes it distributed to local officials - could cite no basis for extending the bans to local posts.

After being contacted by The Associated Press about the issue, officials changed the wording in two statutes to delete the "native-born" requirements, although they said the modifications had nothing to do with AP's inquiries.

These statutes have been under review for some time, and they have, or are about to be, changed," said an Interior Department official, who was not authorized to be quoted by name.

But because the "model" statues are fill-in-the-blanks guides for framing local legislation, many cities across Mexico have already enacted such bans. They have done so even though foreigners constitute a tiny percentage of the population and pose little threat to Mexico's job market.

The foreign-born make up just 0.5 percent of Mexico's 105 million people, compared with about 13 percent in the United States, which has a total population of 299 million. Mexico grants citizenship to about 3,000 people a year, compared to the U.S. average of almost a half million.

"There is a need for a little more openness, both at the policy level and in business affairs," said David Kim, president of the Mexico-Korea Association, which represents the estimated 20,000 South Koreans in Mexico, many of them naturalized citizens.

"The immigration laws are very difficult ... and they put obstacles in the way that make it more difficult to compete," Kim said, although most foreigners don't come to Mexico seeking government posts.

J. Michael Waller, of the Center for Security Policy in Washington, was more blunt. "If American policy-makers are looking for legal models on which to base new laws restricting immigration and expelling foreign lawbreakers, they have a handy guide: the Mexican constitution," he said in a recent article on immigration.

Some Mexicans agree their country needs to change.

"This country needs to be more open," said Francisco Hidalgo, a 50-year-old video producer. "In part to modernize itself, and in part because of the contribution these (foreign-born) people could make."

Others express a more common view, a distrust of foreigners that academics say is rooted in Mexico's history of foreign invasions and the loss of territory in the 1847-48 Mexican-American War.

Speaking of the hundreds of thousands of Central Americans who enter Mexico each year, chauffeur Arnulfo Hernandez, 57, said: "The ones who want to reach the United States, we should send them up there. But the ones who want to stay here, it's usually for bad reasons, because they want to steal or do drugs."

Some say progress is being made. Mexico's president no longer is required to be at least a second-generation native-born. That law was changed in 1999 to clear the way for candidates who have one foreign-born parent, like President Vicente Fox, whose mother is from Spain. But the pace of change is slow. The state of Baja California still requires candidates for the state legislature to prove both their parents were native born.

5/12/2006

Social Security Scam Quote

"The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security." - Colin Quinn

5/11/2006

Qantas Pilot's on Top of all Maintenance Issues

Not sure if this is true, but supposedly these are Qantas pilots' maintenance complaint sheet  entries and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. [P= pilot entry; S= service tech entry]

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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5/09/2006

One Liners

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old." - Steven Wright

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I stole one, and asked him to forgive me." - Emo Philips

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair." - George Burns

 

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5/05/2006

Q&A Day (Jokes)

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Athiest?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.  (Guy Owen)

Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot

Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail."

Q: What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
A: Virgin on the ridiculous.

Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.

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McD Coffee - Yuk

I love how McDonalds now puts the milk & sugar in your coffee, and tries to pass it off as a benefit to YOU...like they're really helping you out by doing that for you...
 
First of all the real reason they do it, is to keep the cost of people using too much milk and/or sugar. I happen to like a lot of milk in my coffee -- now I can't get it. I understand about cutting costs -- really -- but don't try and make it like you're doing us all a favor! If they really want to help out, how about doing my laundry? Or at least clean those disgusting tables...
 
PS - McD's coffee is nasty anyway!
 
 
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4/24/2006

Immigration and Being American

Here is a supposed quote from Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN circa 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.

We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

4/23/2006

The Most Disturbing Thing

Do you want to know what the most disturbing thing to me is?

It's when I'm driving along on the highway, and I see a very attractive woman in the car next to me -- and she's picking her nose!

4/16/2006

Life Goes Full Circle

· At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
· At age 12, success is...having friends.
· At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 20, success is...having sex.
· At age 35, success is...having money.
· At age 50, success is...having money.
· At age 60, success is...having sex.
· At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
· At age 75, success is...having friends.
· At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

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4/14/2006

Quotes to Live By

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons

"It's Cheaper to be in denial, than in therapy."

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

"I recently lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."
- Daniel Lybra

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'"
- George Carlin

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4/13/2006

Kids - Your Parents Read MySpace

I was at a conference the other day and during lunch I ate at the bar in the hotel. Across the bar were a group of women, obviously from the deep mid-west/south (my guess is Arkansas). They were complaining about their kids -- all were teens of various ages -- and drinking...
 
The conversation was very lively and better than any TV program. They best part was when another woman joined the group and started saying that she was just on the phone with her daughter (a senior in high school). Apparently, while the moms were here at the hotel last night, the kids back home threw a party at the house. Someone at the party took a ton of photos with their camera phone and posted them on their MySpace account. Now here comes the dumb part: the daughter linked to the page with the photos so her friends who couldn't make the party could check them out...
 
Well, Mom goes to the daughter's MySpace site while on the web and sees the link. The next thing she knows, she is looking at about 50 teens trashing the house and her daughter lying practically passed out on the couch.
 
The story of the conversation between the Mom & daugther was even better (she tried to deny it until Mom told her about MySpace)...but I can't do all the details here. All in all it was a very entertaining 30 minute lunch.
 
So Kids: Do Not post photos on MySpace or Flickr or anything like that. Also, don't go posting photos of people or non-public places online unless you have permission! A bunch of teens in NJ have been suspended from school for that very action!
 
 
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4/12/2006

How Scary is BK?


Is it just me or is that dude with the GIANT Burger King head scary?!
 
Did you see the one with the lumberjack in the woods -- and he turns around and the "king" ist standing right there in the middle of nowehere? If that was me, the BK would have had an axe in him - he scares me....
 
 
 
 
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3/30/2006

Thought for the Day

“Some people are like a Slinky...Not really good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs”

3/27/2006

Airlines Legally Do False Advertising

You've seen the ads:
Jamaica $99 one-way
London $199 one-way

There are two problems with this, first of all after all the taxes and add-ons your $99 x 2 ticket is like $500 -- but that's an aside.

The point is it is theoretically false advertising. I know that everyone realizes it's based on one-way, but that doesn't make it right. The deal is if you were to ask an airline for a one-way ticket to Jamaica (using the above example) - you would NOT be charged $99. If you were then to ask is there anyway to purchase a $99 ticket, they would say "No."
"What if I don't want to come back?"
"Sorry, one-way ticket is $189."

Can you imagine a show store that wanted to undercut the competition, so they advertise:
Shoes for only $9.99 left-shoe only, based on purchase of full pair.

Well, eventually everyone wants to advertise their shoes for half-price to attract attention and all the stores do it. Now everyone knows you have to double the price to get the actual pair cost. But does that make it right? And then along comes a guy with a missing leg and asks to buy just one left shoe. "Sorry, we have to sell you the pair."
"But I only want the one? Is it $9.99?"
"No. It is $19.98."

FALSE ADVERTISING.

I think the rules should be the same for everyone. Tell it like it is! I would even go as far as to say that they should have to reveal the full cost of the ticket including fees and taxes, etc. But that's just me, I could be wrong.

3/22/2006

Scientology and South Park

There is a big stink about the South Park episode on YouTube that pokes fun of Scientology.

Apparently long time voice contributor Isaac Hayes even quit (he's the chef) over the writers' religious intolerance. Of course, Hayes didn't mind when the show made fun of Jews and Christians.

I think South Park is right on in every aspect that they made fun of, here are the highlights:

  • Scientology is a religion
  • It attracts a lot of celebrities
  • It was founded by a (mediocre) Science Fiction writer
  • Some of the beliefs are so ridiculous, it's hard to believe that anyone truly believes it
  • Only those with moola ($) can be in the "church" to any great extent

Anyway - I am not sure who paid who in congress to get religious status, but here is the thing -


Scientology is not a F***ing Religion!


Religion is based on Faith. Science is for those things that can be measured, and Religion is for those things that cannot be measured. I read Dianetics as a teenager; it was interesting, and although I found holes in the logic even then, I would never have even considered it a religious matter. It barely makes philosophy.

Also, what religion worth it's salt only allows those who can "afford" to join be a member? I realize the Catholic church always has the collection plate out, and speaks of tithing, but you won't get kicked out or be prevented from receiving sacrements if you are "poor".

First of all, I support the right to free speech, but I am not so insensitive that I would purposefully trash someone else's religion - However, I feel no remorse by writing this post. In fact, I find the whole thing kind of funny "Hey look at the kooky celebrities wasting their millions on that crap!"

Just think, if they were practicing a "real religion" they could be donating that money to the poor, starting non-profit organizations, or other worthy endeavors. Just look at Oprah and Jimmy Carter and other intelligent people with money.

I also want to announce that I am starting the Church of Miketology (don't smile, this is serious) because I have very strong beliefs that I need to share, and because I can use the tax break and the extra cash. I even published a science fiction article once! Any celebrities got some free cash?

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3/21/2006

Redneck Wheelchairs

When Jeff Foxworthy gets really old, maybe he'll find himself in a wheelchair and do jokes like this:

You might be a redneck if:

* Any part of your chair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You installed a gun rack on back.
* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, or beer tap.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You hide some hooch in the tubing or battery compartment of the chair.
* You ever made any roadkill, while in the chair
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* The fringe of your jacket have ever got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you thought it might help pick up chicks.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "now that's a good idea!"

3/14/2006

Things I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have lots of money, a big weenie, or huge boobs (just not all three!)

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because if anything, their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

3/13/2006

Loaded Question

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Go ask your Mother.

3/10/2006

You Are Inconsiderate...

I saw this happen repeatedly when I was flying to L.A. every week for 6 months.

This flight was always full, that is, there was little overhead baggage room. Yet, people would put BOTH of their bags above them and refuse to put anything under their seat. Now if wasn't a full flight I wouldn't have a problem with it, or if you only had 1 bag and put it over your head...but the attendant specifically asked everyone to put one bag under your seat. So now people with their allowed 2 bags, can only put one under their seat and have nowhere to out the other.

This didn't happen to me personally since I usually have enough elite status to board first, but I still felt like some people are just rude. I even noticed the same people doing this week after week.

I'll bet they don't even think they are doing anything wrong, so I am here to set the record straight: If you have ever done this YOU ARE INCONSIDERATE!

3/07/2006

New Technology for Plants and (Someday) Babies

In an article from Reuters - "Some people like to talk to their plants. Now, students at Singapore Polytechnic say they have created a plant that can communicate with people -- by glowing when it needs water."

Apparently they added a flourescent gene which glows under certain conditions.
I had a great idea with this...How about adding different color flourescent genes to infants so when they cry you know what they want based on the color they are glowing. For once babies would come with an instruction manual:

Red = Hungry
Blue = Wet
Green = Sick/Gas
Orange = I'm Hot
Purple = I'm Cold
Gold = I'm embarrassed to be in this family

3/06/2006

Win $250 at BlogParty

If you have a blog, you can try and win $250 from BlogParty.net. Drawing is March 15th.


BlogParty is a new network of sites that help leverage your blog, but we need help getting the message out there. How about some motivation? How about the chance to win $250 for writting an entry in your blog about BlogParty with a link back to www.blogparty.net?


Just add your post and link it to a comment in this post.

3/01/2006

30 Best Droppings from Mike's Brain - A 3 Year Retrospective

Since this blog started three years ago in March of 2003 and now has over 400 entries, I have decided to post links to my favorite entries as a retrospective. If the long running TV shows can do it, so can I, and I eagerly await any offers for syndication ;-)

1) How Do You Throw Out a Garbage Can?
2) The Superbowl and Taking a Dump
3) Double Your Pleasure
4) Today's Cars are Too Safe!
5) Funny Bumper Stickers
6)Reality TV + Better Traffic Flow
7) 16 Ways to Have More Fun
8) Foods Named Craps, Plopp, and Megapussi
9) 10 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down
10) Stuff That Keeps Me Up at Night

11) Historical Use of the "F" Word
12) How Things Change After Marriage
13) Car Rental Companies are Morons
14) Too Many Bottles of Beer on the Wall
15) Sometimes It's OK to Lose
16) Interesting Facts
17) More Things That Hurt My Brain
18) You Know You're Old When... or WHEN
19) Lack of Brains Hinders Research
20) Dilbert's Theory on Salary

21)Customers Suck
22)Sex, Sex, Sex
23)Bad Pick Up Lines
24)Stupid Laws (part 1)
25)Stupid Laws (part 2- Southern US)
26)Tighter Than the Skin on a Weiner
27) Weird Phobias Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
28) Cool Rock Bands You Never Heard Of (part 1)
29) Cool Rock Bands You Never Heard of (part 2)
30) They Took Gullible Out of the Dictionary

Well, there you have it. Keep posted by subscribing to this blog (see link on right) and you can have more valuable information just like this...It will give you something to talk about at the dinner table. Mike

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2/27/2006

eBay No Longer for the Little Guy

I remember the good old days of eBay: find some crap in your closet, or even something mundane but in good shape, list it on eBay and score a reasonable amount of cash. Both parties were generally happy in this arrangement.

I remember selling an old Commodore-64 software program to some lady in Japan for $30 (more than I originally paid). I could even sell a bunch of my old paperbacks that were in good shape and get enough money to make it worthwhile.

Well, things have changed... Now, I am a member of a wholesale club (a real one, no middle men), and I see vendors online selling stuff for less than wholesale. Any company worth it's salt is selling product on eBay directly; either their excess, or as an alternative distribution method.

I admit as a buyer it is great: you can find anything, and get it at a decent price if you are patient. But if you are a seller, you cannot compete! Buyers now have a garage sale mentality ("I'll give you fifty cents for that diamond ring?") - which is why most people hated having garage sales.

eBay is now a garage sale with shipping! Here are the only things I think that make any worthwhile money on eBay:

(1) Something unique that people can't get elsewhere (e.g., artwork, toast with picture of Virgin Mary)

(2) Collectibles (in perfect condition)

(3) Something in very high demand

So I, for one, don't expect to sell anything more on ebay unless it meets the above criteria, which is a shame, since now I'm going to throw out stuff that someone, somewhere could probably use - but it's just not worth my time and effort to post it, package and ship it, pay all the fees (ebay, Paypal, etc) and make fifty cents.

eBay is dead to me! Unless I have to buy something of course :-)

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2/25/2006

I Want to Be Like Bode Miller

So take a guy who is real good at what he does, get a bunch of companies willing to pay him big bucks in endorsement money in anticipation of scoring big in a major televised event (i.e., the Olympics), and then let's see what happens:

How did Bode do:
=> Downhill:5th
=> Combined:DSQ
=> Super-G: DNF
=> G. Slalom: 6th
=> Slalom: DNF
I guess he's not as good as he thought he was...

So maybe I can get my company to pay me in advance and then:
* Don't take any of it seriously
* Get plastered before a big "event"
* Get disqualified
* Perform poorly
* Act badly enough to give the world another reason to hate the USA

** Take the Money and Run! **

It's one thing to not do well (anyone can have a bad day or week), but another to just act like you don't even care -- why even send athletes like this to the games to represent the country? I'd rather send someone who cared and placed 10th.

2/23/2006

Death Sauce

I'm not sure what it is about (mostly guys) who put hotter and hotter sauces and peppers on their food to see who dies first. I like hot stuff, but if I can't taste the flavor of the food because my tongue is numb - then it's too much.

However, if you want a sauce that's 750 times hotter than a jalapeƱo pepper or 75 times hotter than Tabasco - try Jersey Death Sauce!

2/21/2006

Just Call Me Eileen...

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - "For the second time in three months, a 16-year-old California girl who lost a leg in an accident has had her artificial limbs stolen.

Melissa Huff, an Arcadia High School student who uses a $16,000 prosthetic limb to play softball for the school team and another one, valued at $12,000, for everyday use, said both were taken from her bedroom Tuesday."

OK seriously, who would do this, and the more important question is: What they hell are you gonna do with two left artificial limbs? If I were Melissa, I would check eBay...you never know.

2/20/2006

New Events for Olympics 2010

I got bored with the olympics after the first weekend. I like Hockey, but the rest of the events are only interesting for a short time. Wanna know the real snoozer -- Cross Country Skiing. It has all the excitement of synchronized swimming and none of the grace.

However, the Ski & Shoot (aka Bi-athlon)is pretty interesting. In fact, I think that some other events can use a pick-me-up by adding shooting to the mix. How about long-track speed skating with handguns (I'll bet those Koreans wouldn't stand a chance against an American with a handgun)...and what about curling -- you get one shot per stone to move it off the mark.

How about some audience participation? One lucky spectator from any rival country can use the rifle in the ski jump. "Pull!!"
[OK - that one might be a little sick, but you have to admit it would make the games interesting if you could do it without anyone getting too hurt]

In fact, I think they should consider this for the summer games as well. Take the discus throw for example. The shotput is a show of strength and the javelin gets the distance, the discus kinda just hangs in the middle there and isnt even as good as a frisbee. I say you let whatever country gets the best throw in the first round take shots at any discus in the second round until they miss...then the winner of that round takes over. Would definitely be much cooler to watch.

Where should we host these olympics? I know the dates have been set for the next few, but with all the guns it would have to be either Germany or the US. I vote for Detroit, D.C, Camden, or L.A.

2/16/2006

Cheney - My Shot

I gotta jump on this bandwagon of course - it's just too funny!
Here is a bumper sticker just to remind the Dems who's boss:
and remember- Guns Don't Kill People, but Vice Presidents Give it Their Best Shot!

Airport Security Could Be Worse

I made it to the airport in record time this week. The only problem is, I stood in the security check-in line for record long as well. I barely made the plane! And I really hate the part of taking my shoes off. I have to walk on that cold floor in my socks, and then hustle to put my shoes on and tie them with my luggage piled up when I'm done.

All this because some idiot figured out a way to put a bomb in his shoe. I truly hope no one ever figures out how to make exploding underwear, or else we're all gonna look real silly in the check-in line!

Things could be worse. Then again...

2/15/2006

Here's a Crazy Ringtone

I hear so many different songs on people's cell phones -- and I'm embarassed to say I don't recognize most of them. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it really is a phone ringing or a radio.

So I decided to top them all. My ringtone is the good old "Brrrng" of a Ma Bell rotary phone. The depressing thing is I could have sworn when my phone ran gat the airport I heard a kid say: "What's that noise?"

2/13/2006

My Funny Valentine -- Gifts for the sick sense of humor

Baron Bob never ceases to amaze me at the diversity of original gifts he has; so here are some of my favorites for this year's Valentine day (ladies, pay attention):

* Peeing Boy Liquor Dispenser Have a little Whiz-key.








* Edible Candy G-String: Men love seeing G-strings. Men love eating candy. The combination of the two just makes perfect sense and has finally come to bear fruit of a great invention.






* Sex in Progress Lamp - This can be handy either outside your dorm room, maybe outside your house, but you might want to avoid bringing it to work.





* Gummy Hearts - anatomically correct.






* Humphrey the Humping Hound - Never Get between a Dog and his Bone!






And Finally -
* Dolly the Inflatable Love Sheep - for you guys who have no one on this VD.

2/03/2006

How to Translate English to American

If you've ever asked a Brit for a bathroom and got a room with only a tub in it (use 'loo' or 'toilet') you know what I mean. So for anyone planning to go to England - here are some terms that are NOT what you might think when you hear them:

Poofter - An extended version of the word "poof", this is how you could refer either to a gay man or to a guy who is being a bit of a nancy boy or woofter.

Bum chum - Another name for a gay man.

Cake hole - your mouth

Pussy - A cat, as in "pussy cat". So if a Brit asks if you have seen her pussy, try to keep a straight face.

Hash - The thing you call a pound sign!

John Thomas - A man's penis. Too bad if this is really your name, just stay out of England.

Knock up - This means to wake someone up.

On the piss - If you are out on the piss, it means you are out to get drunk.

Pissed - This is a great one for misunderstanding. It means drunk, not mad!

Clever dick - This is a bit of a wise guy, not performing tricks with certain parts of the body!

Wanker - This is a derogatory term used to describe someone who is a bit of a jerk.

Blow me - It is simply an exclamation of surprise, short for "Blow me down", and is even used in polite company (so don't be shocked).

Bung - to throw; or a bribe

Potty - This isn't just the thing you sit a toddler on - if you are potty it means you are a little crazy.

Cock up - A cock up means you have made a mistake.

Diddle - To rip someone off or to con someone is to diddle them.

Fagged - Means you are too lazy or tired to do something.

Fanny - Be careful! This is the word for a woman's breasts! It is a bit rude, and you certainly don't have a fanny pack!

Blower - The blower is the telephone, before you get too excited!

Box - Just the TV

Scatty - Otherwise known as scatterbrains.

Power point - No not Microsoft; This would be an electric socket in the US.

Boffin - This is the word for a nerd.

Scrubber or Slag - This is a nasty way of referring to a loose woman.

Thick - If someone is thick it means they are stupid.

Septic - Try not to be offended, but this means an American.

Beefeater - This is the name given to the guards at the Tower of London (and gin!)

Big girl's blouse - This is a nice way of saying someone is a wimp.

Up the Duff - My personal favorite; If a woman is up the duff it means she is pregnant.

Thanks to The Best of British at Effingpot for the above help!

2/01/2006

Eye Doctors and Aging

Here is a tip for you - Never go to an eye doctor that is a lot younger than you.

It was traumatic enough this year turning 39+1 (that's how I say it), but having to get my eyes checked was a real bummer. I have always had 20/20+ vision, so when I started having trouble seeing small print it was just one more reminder of how things were starting to "wear out."

So I went to the eye doctor. This dude must've still been in college or something. The absolute oldest he could be was 30 - but he looked even younger. After running some tests on me, he started telling me that everything looked OK, but my eyes muscle reaction time was slowing down because I'm getting older. "We're all getting older dufus!" (I said to myself.)

Then he goes into more details about the effects of age on the eyeball, etc. I guess all of this could be dealt with more easily if the guy telling it to me was a grandfatherly bespectacled gentleman who I could--at least in my mind--feel his empathy. When the doctor is young and has no glasses or contacts and says all of this with a wry smile -- well, maybe I am getting "older", but at least appeal to my vanity!

Obviously this all from too much computer time (??) as I sit here with my new Adidas frames and glasses typing at the computer. I'm sure I am in for more depressing shocks as other parts start wearing out and stop obeying commands my brain gives them (gasp!) - So when you hear someone say that "60 is the new 40" or something stupid like that, remember that you never hear anyone say "50 is the new 25." 'Cause it ain't gonna happen.

1/31/2006

Getting Back to Basics

This blog has gotten a little off track lately.

I originally started it to record my strange thoughts on life, crazy ideas, anecdotes, observations, and an occasional rant when something really pissed me off...

I also would link to interesting things on the Net, since linking helps get exposure, but also I wanted to share stuff I found online.

Well, it seems like I have focused too much on the latter, and less on the former this past year. Since there are so many blogs that post links to good stuff on the Net, and none that I know of that post the stuff that I am thinking... I am going to focus on that from now on. Yes, there will still be links to stuff I find online that I want to call attention to, but I am mostly going to throw the fecal-like matter that comes from my head onto this blog.

I appreciate you sticking with me after all these years - and please make sure you've had all your shots before visiting.

Mike

1/26/2006

Free Trip to Vegas and How To Avoid Tax Audits

Subnixus blog is offering a contest for a free trip to vegas. Check out post #111 for the details. He is ostensibly funding this trip from his tax refund this year. Do you know anyone who has even thought about doing their taxes yet? I know for a fact (an IRS auditor told me) that the earlier you file your taxes the more likely you are to receive a general audit. They only can audit so many returns a year and they start assigning them right away. So the point is, once they assigned all the audits for the year, any returns that come in after will not be marked for audit. So the best way to avoid it is to file an extension and submit your return AFTER 4/15.

ps- this does not preclude you from an audit for specific or "fishy" items on the return, so please don't claim your dog as a dependent.

1/25/2006

An Unlikely Death

Well the autopsy is in on that whale that whale that wanted to see Big Ben and so swam up the Thames river.

LONDON (Reuters) - A whale that made world headlines when it swam up the River Thames into central London last week died of several factors including severe dehydration, scientists who conducted a post-mortem said on Wednesday.

Here is the thing...
How the he11 do you die of dehydration when you live in the water?
That's like dying from boredom at Jello wrestling (ok, maybe not...)

1/24/2006

Stupid Criminal Tricks (aka How NOT to Play the Lottery)

Don't let this happen to you!

Christina Goodenow, 38, of Medford, Ore., was arrested in October for using a stolen credit card, but a conviction would be especially disastrous for her since she just won $1 million in the lottery with a $1 ticket she bought with the credit card (thus voiding the ticket).

Next time dummy, get a cash advance and use a real dollar!

A Sign That Every Man Needs

Post this where needed:


1/23/2006

Kids Need to Play Outside! (aka Die SpongeBob!)

I hate starting off a post like this, it makes me seem old, and maybe I am, BUT --

When I was a kid...
I remember spending most of the day outside (weather permitting). I didn't want to be inside, I wanted to go outside and ride my bike, hang with my friends, or just hit a ball around, or burn ants.

I remember playing wiffle ball in the street, and my mother having to scream my name every night to come eat dinner, and I would always be late. It would be dark when I got home, and I would get in trouble, and I would say "But Mom, we were winning!"

Granted, we only had 6 channels on the TV, and not much good programming anyway. But even when we were inside, my brother and I would play with our toys, beat each other up, and generally have a good time.

Today kids have too many options inside:
- Video Games
- Cartoon Network
- Nickelodeon (specifically SpongeBob)
- The Internet (more games, chat, etc.)

Sometimes I'll kick my son out of the house if it's nice just to get some fresh air. What does he do outside? Sits and plays his gameboy.
Is it any wonder our kids are FAT!?

Every once in a while I'll cajole him into playing catch or something. It only takes about fifteen minutes and he says he's tired! Now I'm not really old or anything, but I should be tired WAY before a young kid is! I told him I used to play baseball ALL DAY without stopping for lunch.

What did he have to say to that on this particularly beautiful 70 degree day?
"Can I go watch Sponge Bob?"

1/17/2006

THINK - Before You Say Something Stupid

I see this on TV, in the work place, and pretty much everywhere these days.
So consider this a PSA to remind you to use brain first, mouth second:




Happy Birthday Ben!

No not Affleck...
Here are some more hints:
- He signed the Declaration of Independence
- He invented the bi-focals
- Retired wealthy at age 42

It's Ben Franklin! Today is he is 300!

I have been studying his life recently and the more I learn about him, the more impressed I am. We could use a couple of Ben Franklin's around today - especially in Washington D.C.!!

My list of Top Minds in History (not currently alive) are:
* Leonardo DaVinci
* Ben Franklin
* Thomas Edison
* Abraham Lincoln
* Albert Einstein
* Nikola Tesla
* Marie Curie
* Isaac Newton

Of course, not everything he did was a winner: You can read about some of his Quirkiest Ideas here.

Also, he was actually born on Jan 6th, but we celebrate his birthday on 17th because time skipped ahead 11 days in 1757!! Read about that here at LiveScience.


1/16/2006

Germs are Our Friends

Think of all the stuff we have today to help us rid ourselves or prevent the transmission of germs:

* Purell Handwash
* Anti-bacterial Soap
* Quickie Wipes with Bleach
* Bacteria Free Surfaces
* and about 4 million household cleansing products...

Well, not only are all these products now a cause for concern, isn't it a little paranoid to think that all these germs are out to get you? You do know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to eliminate all germs from your hands and body, right? No wonder so many have OCD today.

And if you look at the statistics, we're not healthier today than in the 50's or 60's before they had all this stuff! We're making ourselves like the boy in the bubble; we are acutally making our immune systems worse with all this anti-bacterial stuff...you know the phrase, "use it or lose it" right?

Now here's the kicker:
Think about what you do while your having sex...
(are you thinking about it? wait...keep reading...)
Even if you're having 'safe' sex, you are makeing up for a month worth of anti-bacterial anything!! So don't worry about it! Let the germs come - it will build your immune system. Have a glass of milk in a dirty glass, and enjoy life.

1/13/2006

1/12/2006

Camo Paper

Here is camouflage toilet paper so that your butt doesn't see it coming!
There is a lot of great speacialty toilet paper at Just Toilet Paper.

More Things That Keep Me Up At Night...

* If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
* Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
* When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
* If a parsley farmer gets sued, do they garnish his wages?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

1/11/2006

For Sale - Things I Need to Sell for Quick Cash

FOR SALE: 1 Parachute; Only used once, never opened, small stain.
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.

1/10/2006

Things to Teach Your Children...Before It's Too Late.

Things that would have been good to know when I was younger include:

- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.
- Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
- Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
- When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut!
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
- When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone else will decide to play chess.
- The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

1/06/2006

Missed Opportunity

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Today's Definition

EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.

1/02/2006

50 Fun Things to do in an Elevator

1) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Read 48 more HERE

If the Starship Enterprise had Bumper Stickers

10) Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!

9) One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.

8) HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!

7) Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.

6) Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!

5) CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!

4) If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?

3) Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?

2) Wesley on board!

1) We break for cubes.