Nature's Atomic Bomb

Mother Nature can be even more destructive than man if she gets mad enough. The unprecedented tsunami event in the Asia-Pacific is proof of that. The death toll will come in close to 100,000 when all is said and done. This is more people dead than the dropping of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima (see reference below). An interesting point here is that reports from Sri Lanka say that other than domesticated animals, there are no animal corpses to be found; no rabbits, no elephants, no wild animals of any kind. They were able to sense the danger and GTF outta the way. Maybe we're not so smart after all, eh?

Reference - "In 1946, the Manhattan Engineer District published a study that concluded that 66,000 people were killed at Hiroshima out of a population of 255,000. Of that number, 45,000 died on the first day and 19,000 during the next four months."
-- warbirdforum.com

Condolences to All Those with Family & Friends Affected by This Tragic Event.
Donations can be sent to Red Cross Here[redcross.org] -- the server may be a little slow, so please wait.


The Great Coping Saw Mystery of '04

The other day I was in a large home improvement store because I needed to buy a coping saw. I was making a wood project--which I hardly ever do--that required lots of cutting of curved lines, and that's what a coping saw is for (in case you weren't sure).

So how often does one actually go to the store looking to buy a coping saw? Maybe once in a lifetime, right? I went to the tool section and looked in the saw area. I saw every kind of saw imaginable: hack saws, hand saws, sheetrock saws, keyhole saws, and tree saws to name a few. There was, however, one hanger that was completely empty...yup, you guessed it, there were no coping saws. The one lousy time I wanted to buy one - it wasn't there.

So, not to be outdone, I went to another large home improvement retailer. I quickly went to the tool aisle and found even more saws...but no coping saw. I cornered the dude that worked there and asked if he had any coping saws stashed away somewhere...
"No, I wish I did," he said. "I've had them on order for three weeks and I have no idea when they'll be here. Everyone keeps asking for them."
First of all I find it odd that so many people are looking for these saws at the same time. Second, is there only one lousy company making these things and they took off for the holidays?

So I was about to give up when I decided to go a little out of my way and hit the small county hardware store about 30 minutes away. I got there just before they closed and the place was a mess from the day's shoppers. I finally found a coping saw buried under some other saws. "Finally!" I exlcaimed. "The last coping saw in 50 miles!"

I got home. It was late. I decided to start my project the next day, so I went into the basement to find a good place to stash the saw. I had a packing box full of tools from my recent move and figured that was a good place for now. I opened the box and there on the top was--yup, you guessed it again--another coping saw!!

I guess maybe once-in-a-lifetime purchase was not the right phrase.


Plant to Make Clean Power from Turkey Droppings

Here's the story from Yahoo/Reuters Plant to Make Clean Power from Turkey Droppings

That gets me thinking...Why can't they make one of these for human droppings? That would combine our sewer treatment and power plant infrastructures.

Also, during times when extra power is needed, like prime A/C time in the summer, they can hire people to 'create' more energy. This would provide a whole new workforce of people that were previsouly useless!

Imagine, row upon row of stalls where scores of couch potatoes could sit in comfort and read the newspaper and do their "duty" for their country! How great is that!


Jeffrey Dahmer's Mexican Cousin

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days. Police found Gumaro de Dios Arias grilling rotting human flesh for his breakfast, including part of a heart, when they raided a shack he lived in near the Caribbean beach resort of Playa del Carmen, a police chief said on Wednesday.

"He was preparing stews. There was a grill where he was cooking part of the heart and bits he had cut off the body. It was terrible, terrible," said local police chief Martin Estrada, who was among a dozen police who raided the shack.

Arias told police the victim, a young man, arrived at his cardboard hut in a wasteland area with a mutual friend who then left the two of them drinking and taking drugs. The pair had sex and afterward a fight broke out during which he killed the man with blows to the head, police said.

Police arrested Arias, 25, on Tuesday after a tip off.
"They said there was a person eating a person," Estrada said.

"We found him lying on a folding bed and to one side was the corpse which had been torn apart and which it seems he had been eating for three days," he told Reuters.

The corpse, which had its back ripped open and its innards pulled out, was missing various parts, like a thigh, he said.


Reality TV + Better Traffic Flow

How about this for a new TV channel: The All-Traffic Incident Network. We'll call it CrashNet. Since people are obviously friggin enamored with looking at road side incidents--even when there is nothing to see people!--we can just televise them all. The idea behind this is that you will be able to satisfy your morbid curiosity 24 hours a day, in the comfort of your own home. The hopeful side effect of all this is that when there is a real altercation on the highway, no one will rubberneck and the traffic will flow better. Think about it - why drive slow and hold up everyone to get a quick one-second glance at the incident, when you can hurry home at 80mph and watch it up close on TV for as long as you want! Just try not to become tonight's main feature yourself. Most cop cars have video cams in them now anyway- we just have to get them hooked up to realtime reporting servers. We can also show 'The Best of' when things are slow. Plus there can be a couple of great weekly or special features such as: Holiday Tradegies, Multi-car Pile-ups, Trucks Gone Wild, and Who Put That on the Road?

I will be accepting offers from networks now. Have a good day.


Available All The Time (in Dog Years)

I'm sure you've heard the phrase '24x7' - A term that started out with telecomm and network carriers is now being used everywhere. For example: Little Timmy Dorfo on his skateboard to his friends, "Dudes, this skate park is awesome! I could flip and grind here 24-7!"

This is all fine with me, but what bothers me is that when people (corporate or otherwise) try and take it to the next level. They want to say they are available every day, all day, all year long, so they say 24x7x365. For example: Big Steve Studly to his new squeeze, "Baby, I'm here for you 24x7x365."

But if you do the math, isn't that seven years? I don't think Big Steve realizes the committment he just made. Is everyone is trying to say they're available all year long even if you're using dog years? Does Fido even care about telecomm, skateboards, or anything other than food and another dog's ass?

SO let's all be more accurate and say either 24x7x52 or 24x365. That's my opinion anyway.


Urban Slang for the UnCool

If you're like me and totally out of it, or are a parent to a teen and want to know what the hell they are saying, etc. Check out the Urban Slang Dictionary where you can find terms like 'bison', 'blindian', and 'Mollywop'. Maybe if you read it enough, you will even turn cool! (but don't hold your surface breath.)


Gifts for the Person with Everything

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated...you know, the holidays and all...

Here's a couple of interesting sites to find items for those people who are hard to shop for:

(1) First at Edible.com you can get interesting snacks for those people who have interesting culinary tastes. Items include: Green Crocodile Curry, Snake Vodka, BBQ Worm Crisps (also Cheddar and Chili flavors), Chocolate Ant Bars, and Giant Hornet Honey. Plus there are a variety of aphrodisiacs available, because who wouldn't want to be with someone who eats worm crisps! The prices are in British pounds, but they ship all over the globe!

(2) Do you have a supervillain, mad scientist, warlord, dictator, or despot in your life? Dont we all? Then head on over to Villain Supply and get those hard to find items for Christmas. Some of the best buys here include: INSTA-FALL TRAP DOOR, BRAIN-EATING" BUG, EXPLODING OBEDIENCE COLLAR, LASER CANNON, KRYOZAP 6000 SUPER FREEZE RAY. Plus a host of superweapons to destroy the Earth and new technology likes the SELF-REPLICATING NANO-VIRUS. You can also purchase superpowers such as ADAMANTIUM STEEL BONES, METAPSYCHIC BIONIC IMPLANT and more (sorry no returns on superpowers). This is THE Online Source For Everything EVIL.


Shotgun and Other Critical Life Rules

Rules for Riding Shotgun can be found here.

Online version of Rock, Scissors, Paper for settling disputes can be found here.


Musical Blasts from the Past

I happened to be painting the kitchen this weekend and I decided to listen to a bunch of older CDs that I haven't thrown into the player in a while. I realized that many of them were great albums and I should spend more time listening to them. Now granted, some of it is emotional response to the nostalgia of it all - I found myself daydreaming of college days and the like - but I truly believe that these are great collections of songs and EVERYONE of every age would enjoy listening to them (assuming you like rock). So here are a few of the CDs I listened to that I would recommend you try and find to take a listen to:

* The Alarm - Eye of the Hurricane
* The Call - Into the Woods
* The Fixx - Reach the Beach
* The Fixx - Calm Animals
* Toad the Wet Sprocket - Dulcinea
* Crowded House - Crowded House
* Squeeze - ArgyBargy
* Live - Throwing Copper


True Americana (part 1)

Here are some Along the Road sites that are true Americana --

Giant Ketshup Bottle or is it Catsup?
Lucy the Elephant I live only about 45 minutes from here.

More to Come...


Online Tools for Getting Over a Relationship

"Love is Grand..." the part of the saying that they never finished is "...a grand pain in the ass."

Had a tough break-up? Want to vent or get even? Check out some online tools to help you get over him/her ==

Here is a handy tool called: The 'Dear EX' Email Generator

Also, as a parting gift that says "Thanks for playing, but don't call me - I'll call you" send them the timeless gift of Dead Black Roses (really!)

Send a breakup card at OtherAnnouncements
FYI - They also have cards for divrces, coming "out", DUI, pet's death, boob jobs, etc.


Totally Useless Sites

Who are these people that have so much time on their hands that they can create websites like these - and for what purpose? Maybe they are really fronts for terrorist organizations and have secret messages in them or something - or maybe something out of The Da Vinci Code... You can be the judge. Here are two TOTALLY useless site (more to come soon):

The Burnt Food Museum

Rocks shaped like shoes
The above site also features other great pages like "Crap I Found in the Street" and "Discarded Grocery Lists"
[Dude - you need a real hobby!]


New Reality TV + Game Show All in One

Here's an idea that mixes reality TV with sports and a game show...Mark Burnett are you listening?

I'm still hashing out the details in my mind, but my mind is a messy thing so I'll just spill what I have now:

* Two male contestants (we can work on a female version next)
* Complete all of the prescribed activities in the allotted time (some cerebral, some physical) gaining points as you go
* At the end of the game whoever has the most points gets to have sex with a model--or someone who looks like one--
* Whoever has the least amount of points gets to visit Bubba in prison for a conjugal visit - Talk about incentive! During the contest anything goes! Cut throat to the max! I would probably play until the death! Bubba gets to oversee the whole thing!

Now that's good TV!

Here are some possible names for the show -
* Fun with Bubba
* Models, Motivation, and Manhandlers
* Big Brother (oh, that one's taken)

This time two guys (or women) compete and the winner gets to have sex with the loser's wife; the loser has to watch. Only guys with hot wives can apply.


When you can't even get a date via the Internet - what do you do?

TOKYO (Reuters) - Japanese police said Tuesday they were investigating a group suicide in which seven people who got acquainted through the Internet killed themselves. Four men and three women, mostly in their 20s, were found dead in a car parked on a mountain in Minano, Saitama prefecture near Tokyo, the police said. Police found four charcoal stoves in the car, the windows of which were sealed from the inside. The car was wrapped in blue plastic sheets.

"We believe they all died after inhaling carbon monoxide from the charcoal," a police spokesman said. "We believe they got acquainted through the Internet."

One of the seven had sent an e-mail to a friend Monday saying he would commit suicide, the spokesman said. "We found no traces of violence that could have otherwise led to their deaths," he said.

Police said cases of "Internet suicide" had started to come to the fore in early 2003 and that a total of 34 people had killed themselves in such pacts.

[In an effort to keep up with the latest fads amongst young Internet users, AOL has started a Suicide Pact chat room - but you must be 18 or older to join. Also, it is required that your will cite AOL as a benefactor.]*
*added by Mike


New Regulations in the New Jersey DMV 2004 Handbook:

If you live here like I do, you will relate to these new entries:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Thank You,

The New Jersey Registrar of Motor Vehicles


Man Shoots Wife - Mistakes Her for Monkey

News at Netscape:

"KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian man shot and killed
his wife after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in a
tree behind their house, the New Straits Times said on
The man, 70, is being held by police for causing death
through recklessness after he fired a shotgun at what he
thought was a monkey in a mangosteen tree on Monday, the
newspaper said.
His wife, 68, had used a ladder to climb into the tree and
was picking the tropical fruit when she was shot. She was
pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital, the paper said. The
couple lived in central Malaysia and had raised 13 children."


Funny sayings by Famous People

Not sure how many of these are true - but funny none the less:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player ! Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "....line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter DonKing: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He spent three years in prison, not Princeton."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."


Windows that DO themselves!

BBC NEWS | Technology | Eco glass cleans itself with Sun

Now if they can do this with dinnerware, shower doors, and sunglasses we'll be all set!


Former Child Hollywood Stars

Ever wonder Where Are They Now? Well, the above link will take you to a site that shows which Childhood Stars committed suicide, retired, did porno, got a "real" job, dead, or whatever...

Housing for a New Generation

Werner Aisslinger - Loft Cube Best view in town!


The Last Man on Earth (a SHORT story)

The last man on Earth sat alone in his room.
There came a knock on the door....

- Fredric Brown

Beer is Beautiful

Here is a picture of frozen Budweiser under the microscope. Doesn't it look just like you imagined!


Michael Moore

Is it just me or is Michael Moore a big dope?
I started listening to his book Stupid White Men in the car...It was funny for about 10 minutes and then it seemed to be a bunch of whining, and "facts" which were specious at best.
I don't know what the big deal about him is - I think the title was inspired by himself.
Michael Boore, or Michael "Publicity" Whore would be better names.

PS - I'm really not a big republican or anything, I just think the guys an idiot. He needs to get a life. Besides, if Bush is out next year - what will he do next? I'm sure he'll throw his tons of weight around and find someone to pester... I think I would like to shoot a movie called: Put Down the Cheesburger and Shave for Christ's Sake! It will be me following him around until he gets really P.O, 'ed



Dead Couple to be Married

"aka Over My Dead Body"

Here is a story of ultimate denial by the couple's family:

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A South African man who shot hispregnant fiancée dead before killing himself will beposthumously married to her at the weekend.
Police Captain Mohale Ramatseba said David Masenta shot25-year-old Mgwanini Molomo after a quarrel before turning thegun on himself. But Johannesburg's Sowetan newspaper saidfamily and friends wanted to remember them as a happy coupledestined for a happy life together.
The groom's corpse would be dressed in a cream suit and hisbride's in a gown for the ceremony, at which a priest in therural village of Ceres in Limpopo will bless the union beforethe two are buried, the Sowetan said.
"In African culture, there is no death -- there is merelythe separation of body and soul," said cultural expert MatholeMotshekga. "It is also important because the families aremarried together."
"This does not mean the relationship has irretrievablybroken down."


Cat Attack Kills Air Waves

NICOSIA (Reuters) - Dozens of stray cats and their fleasput Cyprus state radio off the air Tuesday as fumigationexperts were called in. Cyprus Broadcasting Corporation (CyBC) Radio 3 program saidonly songs and news bulletins would be broadcast for the next24 hours on all three of the CyBC's radio channels due to "an immediate need for spraying."

"The problem with the cats is causing a terrible situation,there hundreds of them and they are running into the studiosand over the roof," said one reporter who declined to be named. "At one point, one cat fell through the roof and landed onsomeone's head," he said. "They have made a mess and brokeneverything in my office."

Staff said they were told there was a possibility the threeCyBC stations could stay off the air for as long as three days. Cats have been roaming the CyBC grounds for decades and nownumber more than 100.


A Lawyer Joke...

Every blog needs at least one -- here's mine:

A prominent, young lawyer suffers a heart attack, only to awaken facing St. Peter at the pearly gates of Heaven. There had to be some mistake he thought, “I’m only thirty-five and too young to die.”. “Young?” said St. Peter raising an eyebrow, “Why based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients, you should be almost seventy!”

Nimoy Sings the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

He can act! He can sing! He's Nimoy --


You know you're getting OLD when...

  • You and your teeth sleep in different rooms.
  • You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
  • Happy hour is a nap.
  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  • Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
  • When you start a sentence and then....


Monitor as Camera

Use your computer monitor to take pretty good photos -



Cool Rock Band Names You Never Heard of...(part 2)

The final installment -- but choose the ones you like at http://sam.hochberg.com/bandname.html

Nipple Hardness Factor
Ovarian Trolley
Pieces of Lisa /The Pissflaps /Pounded Clown
Rectal Nightmare / Rugburns
Seven Year Bitch / Sorry About Your Daughter /Swingin' Johnsons
Tastes Like Chicken / Trailer Park Casanovas
Question Mark & the Mysterians
Uncle Bob Touched Me / The Urinals
Van Gogh's Ear
The Well Hungarians / Whoregasm
Yams from Outer Space
Zombies Under Stress

Can you think of any better?


Cool Rock Band Names You Never Heard of....(part 1)

These are my favorite band names for each letter of the alphabet (A-M today, the rest tomorrow). If there was a tie, I listed both. These are all real bands -- you may have heard of some -- but you can get the full list at http://sam.hochberg.com/bandname.html:

Afghanistan Banana Stand
Betty's Not a Vitamin / Baloney Ponys
Carter the Unstoppable Sexmachine
Dick Duck and the Dorks
Exploding Head Trick / Electric Vomit
Frogs Don't Cry / Full Throttle Aristotle
Granny's Hole
Hamster Sandwich / Henry Kissinger's Tits
Immaculate Infection
Jehovah's Waitresses
Kamakazi Sex Pilots
Lee Press-On and the Nails
Maggot Sandwich



In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Coach questions call, shot to death on field by referee

The ultimate penalty
Coach questions call, shot to death on field by referee
Posted: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:15PM; Updated: Sunday July 25, 2004 2:27PM

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) -- A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday.

Inspector Mali Govender of the Grahamstown police in the Eastern Cape province said a fight broke out after the referee gave a yellow warning card to a player in a local match on Saturday.

"There was an altercation...and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team."


Bigger Breasts for Free!

NEW YORK (Reuters) - The U.S. Army has long lured recruitswith the slogan "Be All You Can Be," but now soldiers and theirfamilies can receive plastic surgery, including breast enlargements, on the taxpayers' dime.

The New Yorker magazine reports in its July 26th editionthat members of all four branches of the U.S. military can getface-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs forfree -- something the military says helps surgeons practicetheir skills.

"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr. Bob Lyons,chief of plastic surgery at Brooke Army Medical Center in SanAntonio told the magazine, which said soldiers needed theapproval of their commanding officers to get the time off.


Worst Jobs in Science

Yes, these are REAL jobs! You can read about them here in Popular Science magazine:

And the "winners" are:
  5. HOT-ZONE SUPERINTENDENT (Ebola/Anthrax, etc.)
  6. ISOLATION CHAMBER TESTER (record = 91-days)
  7. FISTULA FEEDER (stick your hand inside a live cows stomach!)


You Might be a Blue Neck (??)

What the F_K is a Blue Neck? Here is an excerpt from lilligren.com, plus some of my own entries -
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at us Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves;)
...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY. 
...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. 
...You've never had an RC Cola.
...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
...You have no idea what a polecat is.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 
...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
... You have never been hep'd.
...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach 
...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
..You call binoculars opera glasses. 
...You can't spit without opening your mouth.
...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice) 
...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
...None of your fur coats are homemade.
...Your grandmother never won a "see who can pee the farthest" contest

10 Worst Album Covers of All Time

Who says that album covers weren't a high art form? Well, here's their proof---

Album Cover Vomit


Useful Metric Conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
½ lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa

How to Become Really Smart

If we learn from our mistakes, then it seems to follow that to be really intelligent you should make as many mistakes as possible....(I am a certified genius)...


Why this country needs an overhaul - Reason #1

#1 - Jail is too "soft" [F.U. ACLU]

I hate hearing about prinsoners rights and about all the money we spend to maintain our prisons. What's all that about? I'm all for giving them access to educational materials, basic healthcare, and performing work duties, etc. But do they really need to be watching daytime TV and violent movies? You want to make jail an actual punishment, here are some suggestions:
* The food should be nutrionally sound, but taste bad.
* TV and Movie time should be an earned privilage and restricted to certain content
* Content-restricted access to Internet (some inmates are pulling scams over the internet while still in jail!!)
* All inmates are automatically placed on organ donor program
* Make education (of some sort) mandatory for good behavior and parole considerations
* No smoking allowed

Here is a news story to support my point. This is going on in other countries too I realize, but let's start by worrying about the US!

Convicts pick prison over home
July 15, 2004

SOME convicts were pleading to return to prison rather than serve out their sentences at home, claiming life on the outside was too tough, officials said today.

The Corrections Department confirmed 13 inmates on home detention had asked to be locked up in prison after finding they could not cope with their family situation.

Home detention is an alternative to prison granted to convicted criminals regarded as not posing a danger to their family or community. It allows them to live at home and continue work under close scrutiny from prison authorities.

Heather Mackie, the Corrections policy and planning manager, said "a breakdown in accommodation arrangements" was the most common reason given by convicts angling to get back in their cells.


(Not So) Deep Thoughts...

When people complain about animal testing, is it because they are worried the animals will get nervous and give the wrong answer?

A friend asked me how I thought I wanted to die: I said I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather -- Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


Miserable Weather -- Here are some Jokes

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
YALE GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."


I'm Back (more good quotes)

"You know that look women get when they want sex? ... Me neither." - Drew Carey

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number."
- Steven Wright

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go it's pretty damned good."
- Woody Allen

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- P.J.O'Rourke


2 Good Quotes

I will be on vacation next week so I probably will not update this blog next week -- not sure. Here are a couple of great quotes to keep in mind while I'm gone:

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."

A New York Nuisance

Sharpton To Host Reality TV Show - "I Hate My Job" Premieres This Fall.

Why does anyone even play up to this guy? He's ridiculous! Although I will admit he was pretty good on SNL a while back, so maybe he will be comic relief...But seriously, would you want Sharpton to give you career advice? Would you want him to give advice on how to comb your hair!?

I'd rather see him as a contestant on Survivor, or Fear Factor, or maybe even The Swan.

Really Stupid or Really Gutsy??

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- A Daytona Beach man has been sentenced to 60 days in prison for stealing a judge's wallet and going on a shopping spree.

Shawn Mayo, 20, pleaded no contest to a charge of grand theft for the February incident.

Police said Mayo and his girlfriend, Kisha Smith, spent more than $1,000 at Wal-Mart stores on Circuit Judge John Watson's credit card.

The suspect was caught after he put his own signature on the credit-card receipt instead of attempting to sign Watson's name. Police said the wallet was snatched from Watson's chamber.

Investigators said Smith was a cleaning woman at the courthouse at the time of the theft.


Teen Sex in the Techno Age

Where technology and creativity, meets horny --

These days you can put almost anything on sale on the Web, but a 19-year-old British student has pushed the boundaries one step further. David Vardy, a student at Bournemouth University on the south coast of England, has put his virginity up for sale on eBay.

For Vardy, who said he doesn't have a serious girlfriend, this is the most creative way he thought he could get an opportunity to have his "first time."

"By the age of 19, most people have been under enough pressure to have lost their virginity," Vardy told ABC News' Good Morning America. "I haven't lost mine yet. I have to lose my virginity, so being a creative person, what is the most crazy way? I'll stick it out on the Internet and see what interest I get."

Vardy's ad on eBay has reportedly gotten 7,000 hits from places as far as Australia and Texas. He said he has received eight offers for potential mates and bids close to $11,000.

Vardy said he has been carefully sorting through the inquiries and has received some promising offers.

"Some of them have more money than sense," Vardy said. "And some seem to be jokers, but I don't want to deal with losers [or] stalkers, so that cuts out about 90 percent of the population. Some of them were models. I was talking to a model in London, and she was interested in bidding. But due to the media attention this has provoked, she's [retracted] because she has too much on her plate."

Biggest Balls in the World...

This Doc not only convinced his patient to have sex with him -- he then had the nerve to cahrge the insurance company as services rendered! You go, Doc!

GRESHAM, Ore. June 18, 2004 — An Oregon City doctor will spend two months in jail after he advised a patient that having sex with him would help her pelvic pain, then billed the Oregon Health Plan for his time during their sessions.

Dr. Randall J. Smith, 50, must also perform 200 hours of community service and pay $1,105 in fines as part of a plea agreement, Rodney Hopkinson, a senior assistant attorney general for the Oregon Department of Justice, told The Oregonian newspaper.


Dog sprinkler

Here is a great idea. AN auto-sprinkler for wandering dogs...but let's not limit ourselves here. This had potential for door-2-door sales people, Jehovah's Witnesses, and neighbors you don't like:


Another Cool Link if you like Crosswords (and aren't good at it):


Viagra Spin-Offs (Women - Improve Your Life)

Ladies -- I am sure that Viagra has improved the quality of life for many of you. Now, here are some additional drugs for your man to improve your life even more.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

Here is one for the men - sponsored by the US Gov't:
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.



VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this

morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software

giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified

number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it

will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world


With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president

of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT

senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in

the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten

years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic

Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range

of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will

make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the

popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce

your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language

which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are

away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,

watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as

Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700

sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided

Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd

roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the

Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as

Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff

challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key

intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said

Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea

-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common

Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in

marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father

Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has

increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of

the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,

leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and

entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms

whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they

planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several

denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.

The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing

MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable

religious architecture that will support all religions through

emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of

interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple

of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according

to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as

other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly

competitive religious market.


Scientists Discover Perfect Joke Formula (+ Generic Ethnic Joke)

I got this from a British Web Site. I think they're serious...either way, they sure no how to take the fun out of everything!

The mathematical equation for the perfect joke has been revealed by scientists.
The formula - c=(m+nO)/p - was worked out by Helen Pilcher and Timandra Harkness.
As well as being scientists, the pair are also stand-up comedians who make up the Comedy Research Project. They run this in collaboration with the Science Museum's Dana Centre in London.

In the formula, c is the funniness of the joke; m is the "comic moment" which is arrived at by multiplying the punchline's funniness rating by the length of the joke's buildup.
nO is the number of times the subject undergoes a pratfall, multiplied by the "ouch factor" - the social and physical pain of the indignity involved. The total is divided by the number of puns, p. According to the equation, if a joke consists of a long "shaggy dog story", it doesn't require such a funny punchline as a shorter wisecrack.

If the Brits are correct, then we can create cookie-cutter jokes by starting with a generic formula and substituting our own data...kinda sounds like most TV sitcoms!!

Here is an Example:

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person
belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed
stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes
associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which
might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that
group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double
meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his
agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to
corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a
stereotypical way!


Things My Mother Taught Me

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about PARADOX
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about PERSEVERANCE
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Thanks, Mom!


Jobs That Get No Respect

Bartender at the Betty Ford clinic.
Fashion model at the Iowa state fair.

Whatever it is that I'm doing at the time...


Boy Not Allowed To Bring Porn Star To Prom

Boy Not Allowed To Bring Porn Star To Prom
"Max won a date with adult film actress Tyler Faith on Howard Stern's show Friday. Max is a student at Connecticut's Weston High School. The Advocate of Stamford, Conn., reported school officials and Max's parents stepped in before Saturday's prom. Max said his dream was to take a porn star to the dance. But it was a dream unfulfilled. Weston High Principal Mary Kolek says a date with a porn star violates the school's prom guidelines. Kolek said Max would be allowed to attend -- with a more appropriate date."

Mike's Advice to Max - "Just skip the prom dude! What do you think you will remember more 20 years from now, your stupid prom, or a date with a porn star!"


Killer toads march on city

Like something out of Monty Python - you remember the ferocious bunnies from Holy Grail don't ya? - here is another reason that Australia is a nice place to visit, but wouldn't want to live there.

News | Killer toads march on city in Australia


How to Swear in 156 Different Languages

Here are some tips from the Ugly American Travel Journal (June '04):

If you are planning a trip around the world this year, it is important to know a little about the language for each country you will be visiting. Now, while it is not possible for most if us to learn enough of each language to carry on a decent conversation, there are a few words or phrases that are critical in every country...so at a minimum, make sure you learn the following:

1) Hotel
2) Beer
3) Bathroom
4) How much?
5) Sorry, officer
6) ...and, as many expletives as possible.

In order to assist with #6, use this web resource.
Insult Monger Website


Holy Cr@p! Check out this guy's apartment!

Here are some photos of a guy whose apt. smelled so bad it seeped into his neighbor's apt. via the electric sockets. Check out that fridge.

Bad Neighbor


Can we still call it a film if it's made digitally?

If you plan to see any good movies or rent a video this weekend...you may want to check here first:
Four Word Film Reviews

then again, maybe not


Old B@stard - 1

Just had my birthday yesterday; one more year until I am offcially "over the hill", i.e. An old bastard. (That would be 40 for those of you weren't sure :-)

I also paid over $2/gallon for gasoline for the first time ever. I can already feel the urge to say "...when I was your age, gas used to be just a dollar!..."
Oh well.

PS - Some fun for your spare time:


Another Great Quote by the prolific author 'Anonymous'

"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."

-- anonymous


Exploding Non-Dairy Creamer

And other wacky uses for common household products can be found at WackyUses.com


More George Dubya Quotes

"Families is where we find hope, where wings take dream."

Remarks to the troops of Fort Stewart, Georgia, February 12, 2001:
"And America needs a military where our breast and brightest are proud to serve, and proud to stay."

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

'The problem with the French,' Bush confided to Blair, 'is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.'

"Education is my top priority. However, education is not my top priority."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

I can't believe no one's said anything about this! I don't know what speech it was, but I was watching Bush's address to teachers in the nation on NBC with some friends, and this error was GLARING. He said, and I quote,
"First I'd like to spank all the teachers..."


The Prettiest Urinals You Ever Did See...and others...

Beautiful Art Work (really!)

Urinals in the Taj Mahal (India, not Trump)

Urinals in Space (ISS)

Peeing Ice Cubes (urinal at the south pole)

A Urinal for Women (is nothing sacred??)

At least you don't have to pee in Afghanistan - Check out these urinals...Look more like rocket launchers..(That would hurt!)


Underwater Hotel in Florida!

This gives new meaining to Wet Bar.
Question: Where do you park the rental car?

Jules Underwater Lodge


John Madden Read This!

I think it is funny that John Madden won't fly and spends all of his time on a bus, when I hear storeis like this...When your time is up -- it's up.
Carpe Diem, people.

Afraid to fly, woman killed as train derails: South Florida Sun-Sentinel: "Afraid to fly, woman killed as train derails"



"If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average." - Mark Twain

"Success is getting up one more time than you fall down." - Anon

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky


MugShots and Beaches

It's amazing how many Hollywood actors have been arrested. Here are some mugshots of celebrities-

When you look good even in a mugshot, that says a lot- http://www.mugshots.com/Celebrity/Carmen_Electra.htm
Her Baywatch friend doesn't hold up as well- http://www.mugshots.com/Celebrity/Yasmine_Bleeth.htm
I didn't know that vampires show up on film! http://www.mugshots.com/Music/Marilyn_Manson.htm
The biggest criminal of all: http://www.mugshots.com/Historical/Bill_Gates.htm
And of course, Old Plastic Face himself: http://www.mugshots.com/Celebrity/Michael_Jackson.htm
Hey Grandma, what's so funny? http://www.mugshots.com/Celebrity/Zsa_Zsa_Gabor.htm
Bad Hair Day- http://www.mugshots.com/Celebrity/Nick_Nolte.htm
Worse Hair Day- http://www.mugshots.com/Music/James_Brown.htm

Since it is still kinda cold here in the Mid-Atlantic region, this should help you get in the right state of mind for the coming warm weather: Beach Cams from Around the World


Game Shows

How many of these game shows do you remember?


Bananas? In the US this would have been donuts...

Police in Cambodia have been accused of extracting confessions from two teenagers by force-feeding them bananas until they felt sick. Local newspapers say the pair was subjected to the unorthodox interrogation after being arrested on suspicion of stealing five bags of soap powder from a car parked in the capital, Phnom Phen. A top Cambodian policeman has denied any official wrong-doing. He says the two were hungry and annoyed and refused to answer questions but they were more forthcoming after eating the bananas.

[These guys won't go to the bathroom for about a month!]

Dude, Get Broadband

When Mark Walters received a $2,500 bill from his long-distance carrier, Denver-based Qwest, he figured it had to be a mistake. It was, and it was his daughter's boo-boo.
Elissa Walters, 18, had gone home to Springfield, N.J., for Christmas break, turned on a new computer and called an America Online number in the 973 area code - the Walters' home area. Figuring it was a free local call carried by their local carrier, Verizon Communications, she left the computer on. And on. And on. But just because the area code was the same, it didn't mean the call was local.
[ Now that is the definition of AO Hell]


Change Your Clocks 1 Hour Ahead (on Friday at 11am)

Yes, this is the week that we change our clocks ahead one hour to daylight savings time. What is it we're saving the daylight for anyway? I hardly see the sun during work days as it is...Which brings me to my next thought:
We change th clocks on Sunday, actually Saturday night as far as I'm concerned. This means we lose an hour of sleep (or partying, or whatever) during the weekend. Frankly, I think that sucks.
I say from now on we change the clocks at 11am on the previous Friday. Think about it - it makes the work day shorter by an hour (always a good thing), and after you change the clocks - you go to lunch!

Brilliant, eh? Everyone who agrees, please write your congressman. I'm sure they're not so busy that they could not take some time out to address this important issue that affects all of us.

Thank you.

Canada Holds Referendum to Join USA

OK, I guess you saw this one coming, no?
April Fools!

I'm glad they're not joining the US though -- because, then I would have nowhere to go when this country (US) goes to hell.


Scam and Counter-Scam

An article in the Boston Herald claims that a man scammed his co-workers and students out of thousands of dollars, and then when the cops caught him and asked him for the money back -- he said he gave it away to some guy in Nigeria he learned about via Email.

The cops said the 'scammer got scammed', but it's hard to con a con. I think this guy still has the money. Read it and see what you think!


Titan-1 Missle Site for Sale on eBay

A California real estate man says he's got a great deal for buyers in Eastern Washington.
Bari Hotchkiss bought a Titan 1 missile site some five years ago. Now he's got it on the market for $3.95 million.

It's in Batum, a small wheat farming community between Moses Lake and Ritzville.
You just don't expect to find anything monumental in Adams County. But Hotchkiss says this site "is sort of like the Washington monument or the pyramids of Egypt."

Check Out The eBay listing


They're Starting Younger and Younger...

From the Washington Times:

Kindergartner garnish turns out to be pot
"MIAMI, March 23 (UPI) -- The garnish a Florida kindergartener sprinkled on his friend's lasagna Monday wasn't oregano, police said, but marijuana.
Staff members at Gratigny Elementary School in north Miami-Dade County said the youngster took the pot from a small plastic bag, The Miami Herald reported Tuesday. When they saw what he was doing he put in on the floor and tried to hide it with his feet. Investigators are questioning the boy's parents. They are also trying to determine whether an older friend asked the boy to keep the bag for him. "

[Wow! They get lasagna in Kindergarten now! I used to get hockey pucks on a bun!]

Four-Year-Old Brings Crack Cocaine To School
"INDIANAPOLIS -- A 4-year-old boy brought crack cocaine worth up to $10,000 to his preschool class Monday, authorities said.
Police said the boy took rocks of crack cocaine out of his backpack and showed them to other children in his Head Start class, saying the drugs were flour. Teachers realized it was cocaine and called authorities.
Police searched the boy's home, but did not find the parents, Sgt. Russell Burns said.
The boy and his sister were placed in protective custody and arrest warrants were issued for the parents, Burns said. No names were released. "

[Did anyone question the teachers and wonder how they knew it was cocaine so quickly?!]


5 Trick Questions Answered (Brain Dead)

On Feb 17th I posted 5 riddles and promised to post the answers the next day.

Here they are:
1) 13
2) One is a nickel and the other one is a half dollar
3) Because there is one more dollar
4) Incorrectly
5) No, because he would be dead

Revenge: You Can Find Anything on the Net

Just to prove that the Internet has improved all of our lives in so many ways (tongue in cheek here folks) - here are some tidbits from a Revenge site I found on the net.

* Crazy glue the gas cap down and watch them get stranded!
* Sent a verbally abusive boss a money ordered prepaid subscription to explicit gay publications sent to work. He cancels it but not after the girls in the office get the mail and tell EVERYBODY and he gets put on every freak mailing list. He will get weird catalogs and mailings for YEARS.
* Dip a rag in transmission fluid and write your revenge on the side of their car for a permanent reminder of their misdeeds.
* Have a woman call the wife of your revengee and very distraught tell her that the next time her husband comes over to sleep with her he could at least call her back once in a while then hang up.
* Place an informitive gay ad in a local free paper with your revengees info.
* Call their work claiming you are a detective checking on the status of a person working there that is on the sex offenders list and ask if their job involves working with children in ANY way.


Rubberneckers Must Die!

So I'm driving to work during the usual crappy commute (over an hour), when suddenly traffic comes to a slow crawl at an on ramp to the highway. It took over 15 minutes just to get onto the highway...I was really ticked. What was the cause of this massive delay? Oil spill? Fire? Explosion? 10-car collision?
It was a fender bender that was off to the side of the road (i.e., not blocking the lanes) and the two drivers were trading information. The one car had a dented front, the other not much damage. In other words, it was nothing much to look at...When I am delayed for that long, I want to see massive destruction, body parts strewn across the road, and at least a small fire! This is ridiculous! What the hell are you people looking at? JUST GO!!!!

I have an idea. I am going to finally be rich. I am going to buy a few acres of property, pave a small road in a circle around the property, and then get a bunch of totalled cars and trucks from a junk yard for cheap. I will place these staged accidents around the path, and charge people $15 a pop to travel real slow in golf carts around the path to look at the accidents. The big finale will be a car explosion and fire, followed by 2 stuntment duking it out over whose fault it was...

If you want tickets to this attraction let me know. In the meantime - Just Drive!


The TP is Always Softer on the Other Side

I swear the toilet paper that this company uses is like brillo.
Today I had to go but the men's room was full, so I took a short trip to the front of the building where the visitor and guest lobby is and used that bathroom.
Do you know what I discovered! They have the Good TP! It was soft and fluffy!
Spare no expense for the visitors!
[I know where I am going from now on though...hehe]


Life could use an Undo button every once in a while.
I always thought that a good gag would be to modify Microsoft applications such that the Undo command doesn't work. Whenever you select it you get a message: "Nothing to Undo". I would love to see the faces of everyone who uses that!


For the Guy Who Has Everything

Ladies - Need to buy a gift for your guy - and don't know what to get? Here is a sure fire winner. The New Popcorn Fork is great! No assembly required, and it even has a built in salt shaker! Make sure he doesn't get his hands all greasy before he touches your stuff...get him the Popcorn Fork so he can stuff his fat face with junk food full of butter and salt while his lard a$$ is watching TV.


Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth

In the first installment of a feature I call: 'A Waste of Disk Space and Bandwidth' we will look at web sites that make no sense and I cannot believe anyone would spend their time creating, updating, or even viewing them (much like my blog ;-)

The first entry is the Parking Spots Around the World...Yes, I know it sounds boring, but you know what's even worse? They're not even real cars, they are toy cars photographed as if they were parked in real parking spots! I think some people need a hobby....

I will have another entry next week...


5 Trick Questions

I will post answers tomorrow to these questions/riddles. See how many you can get:

1. What is 5 divided by 1/2 plus 3?

2. I have two coins making 55 cents but one is not a nickel. How can that be?

3. Why are 1977 dollars worth more than 1976 dollars?

4. What word in the English language does nearly everyone pronounce incorrectly?

5. In the United States is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?


End of an Era

It's official - Mattel reported that Ken & Barbie are splitsville. Mattel says that the 2 will remain "friends", but need to see other people. What does this say about our society? What will it teach today's young girls? You could say that this is a consquence of Ken's lack of committment, or maybe it points toward the whole disillusionment with the institution of marriage in this country.

Who are these other "people" that they are going to see anyway? Barbie will be dating Buzz Lightyear, and Ken will be dating...Woody? In light of the recent 100 same sex marriages in SF, and what is happening in VT and Mass. maybe this is Mattel's way of getting ready for Gay Porn Ken, or Lesbo Biker Barbie.

I think they should update Ken & Barbie for today's young women to prepare them for reality. The changes would be as follows:

* Short bob haircut (with highlights)
* Wrinkles around eyes
* Stretch marks
* Ratty sweatshirt with cheesy pants
* One pair of pumps, one pair of high heels, 6 pairs of sneakers, 1 pair of work boots
* Closet full of clothes that don't fit
* Two pill bottles: Advil, and Valium
* Accessories: 3 children; mop; apron; diaper bag; minivan; coupon for liposuction treatment; 6 credit cards; lip hair treatment; cell phone; soccer mom bumper stickers; estrogen pills

* Pot-belly
* T-Shirt says "I'm with Stupid"
* Fixed in the sitting position with beer attached to left hand
* Bald spot on top of head
* Accessories include: Pile of bills including many credit cards with Barbie's purchases on them; pickup (full bed); shotgun and rack; backscratcher; toe nail clipper; simulated snack foods; gameboy


Anything free is worth what you pay for it

That being said, here are some FREE sayings that are equally annoying or dumb:

I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever...so far, so good.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist--my parents were, though.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world; a pessimist fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom- sometimes age comes alone.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

Last but not least:
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


More oxys for the morons....

Here are some more oxymorons - I promise this is the last time:

Great Depression
free trade
peacekeeper missile
sweet tart
crash landing
sweet sorrow
student teacher
silent scream
live on tape
good grief
near miss
light tanks
old news


Jumbo Shrimp Revisited

Since the morons down the hall have been annoying me, it got me thinking about oxymorons--yes, I may just have adult ADD--of which, the title of this entry is the classic example. Here are some more funny ones I've collected (I know, most people collect stamps or dolls).

open secret
larger half
clearly confused
act naturally
alone together
found missing
liquid gas
deafening silence
seriously funny
living dead
military intelligence
Advanced BASIC
tragic comedy
unbiased opinion
virtual reality
definite maybe
original copies
pretty ugly
same difference
plastic glasses
almost exactly
constant variable
even odds
minor crisis
extinct life
genuine imitation
exact estimate
only choice
freezer burn
free love
working holiday
rolling stop

My two all-time favorite oxymorons are: Microsoft Works, and Reagen Memoirs!
Maybe tomorrow I will think of some more...or maybe I'll actually do some work...ya never know ;-)


Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Some weird stories from the Net:

A 75-year-old man in Nepal married a dog in a local custom to ensure good luck only to die three days later, a newspaper reported Wednesday. With his son and other relatives by his side, Phulram Chaudhary tied the knot with a dog Saturday in Durgauli village in the southwestern Kailali district. He was following a custom of his Tharu community which holds that an old man who regrows teeth must take a dog as a bride. "He believed that this would help him avoid great misfortune later in life. However, he died a few days afterward," the state-run daily Gorkhapatra said.
Did they say 'Regrows Teeth?'

He was black and blue, swollen, and on a feeding tube. But this Utah groom wasn't about to let that stand in the way of his wedding. Chris Pitchford was beaten up outside a casino in Mesquite early Sunday during his bachelor party. Pitchford had to undergo spleen surgery, had broken ribs, and was put on morphine to dull the pain. He was supposed to marry Laura Moody on Monday afternoon at a relative's home. But instead, they got married in the chapel of a Utah hospital. The couple's honeymoon destination was also changed from Las Vegas to a hospital room at the end of the hallway.
You might as well get used to it, Buddy !


Fun 4 Friday

Here is some stuff to keep you occupied before the weekend starts...(No one works on Friday, do they?)

Law & Order Fan? Here is a coloring book of all your favorite characters.

I always wanted to be an artist; the unfortunate fact is that I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. This site let's me create a true Picasso with just point & click.

And finally, if you are really bored or have a lot of peanut butter lying around, here is a site that has 2000 uses for peanut butter. I tried #908 this week--not sure why I have mice in my attic.



Redundant Repetitive Expressions

Ever use any of these phrases?

(actual) experience
(advance) planning
(advance) reservations
(advance) warning
all meet (together)
(armed) gunman
autobiography (of my life)
((basic) fundamentals
cease (and desist)
cheap (price)
(close) proximity
cold (temperature)
commute (back and forth)
consensus (of opinion)
(difficult) dilemma
each (and every)
(empty) space
(end) result
estimated (roughly) at
filled (to capacity)
(free) gift
(frozen) ice
(general) public
green (in color)
join (together)
(natural) instinct
never (at any time)
(null and) void
(pair of) twins
(past) experience
(poisonous) venom
reason is (because)
(regular) routine
(small) speck
(suddenly) exploded
surrounded (on all sides)
(unexpected) surprise

Good bye, and see ya later.


The Taiwanese Exploding Whale Trick & Tit-Watching Societies

There were lots of interesting stories in the past few weeks. My favorite though was the exploding whale in Taiwan. It must have smelled awful. Hopefully they learned a lesson: Try to avoid going down main street with a dead whale carcass!

Now we may get the Amish Reality Show. This is about Amish teens who get to go out into the "Real World" to see if they want to enter American society, or come back to the AMish community. Basically, it is a show about watching teenagers partying like there is no tomorrow ('cause there isn't if they decide to come back). The great thing about this, is that they don't have to worry about their parents watching the show, since there aren't any TVs in Amish culture.

And finally, in tribute to Janet Jackson, you may be interested in joining the Royal Tit-Watching Society of Britain, formed in 1824 and is the oldest of the British Tit-Watching Societies. How many do they have? I believe they hold their annual USA chapter meeting at Score's in New York City. The best part of this society is their URL: www.nice-tits.org.


What's In a Name?

Unsatisfied with your given name? I would be too if my name was Gretchen P. CrotchRotter. Or maybe your name is not so bad, just boring (right, John Jones?) -- So in order to help you out, you can use either of these two sites to improve your image.

First, make yourself a hero and give yourself a SuperHero name. It even goes as far as providing you a sidekick and secret powers! Here's my new profile:

Name: Lord Cat
Special Power: Twisting Bat
Transportation: Wonder Horse
Weapon: Flame Grenade
Costume: Fibersteel Suit
Sidekick: Squeaky Sally
Nemesis: John the Crafty
Tragic Flaw: Addicted to sugar
Favorite Food: Twinkies

My Gangsta Name will help you sound a lot more cool at all those parties...By the way, you can now call me "Old Dirty Baller"


Terrorist Math Teachers and WMI

At New York's International Airport, an individual male person, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Security officers believe that the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. A senior security officer said, 'Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute values.

'Al-gebra consists of quite shadowy figures, with names like 'x' and 'y', and, although they are frequently referred to as 'unknowns', we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W Bush said, 'If we had been meant to have weapons of math instruction, we would have all been born with enough fingers and toes so we could measure with twelve inches to a foot and count up in dozens!'

[Yes - this is a spoof!]


I Hate Clowns - They Scare Me!

If you really want to have some fun - Slap a Clown. Go Ahead...it will make you feel better.

Or, if you are one of those wierdos that actually likes clowns - you can slap a mime...No one likes mimes!

Just a little stress relief for a Friday.


The title of this entry is an actual headline from a newspaper. It references a study that required human brains for an Alzheimers study, but they couldn't find enough deceased brains to work with...

So just to highlight a few more ambiguous newspaper headlines I decided to list a few here:



The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Need to go real bad but your stuck in your truck miles from the nearest rest stop? Here is what ingenuity in the backwoods will get you. This "invention" probably wouldn't work well in the city; although admittedly I have seen some worse stuff in NYC.
Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper


Today's Quotes

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. "

Don't Believe Everything You Read...

Or you might Die!
Magazine Directions Lead Hikers Over Cliff!


Palindromes (Semordnilap?)

Palindromes are word phrases that can be read the same way forward and backwards. I always found it wrong that the word 'Palindrome' doesn't read the same way forward and backwards. I think it should put its money where its mouth is...From now on let's call palindromes Sposasops

Here are some examples of palindromes -er, I mean- Sposasops:

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Don't nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast, safe car: a Toyota
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned

As you can see, I was bored today. Know any others?


Dilbert's Theory on Salary

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

The less you know, the more you make. Thus, executives and sales people make more money than the engineers and scientists.


More Stupid Criminal Antics

The Orlando Sentinel Reports:
"Several days after getting out of jail, where he had served time for drunk driving and other charges, Ronald A. Mahner stopped at the Seminole County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office to pick up his personal belongings. He provided his driver's license as identification. A clerk checked him in the computer and found the license had been revoked for life. She sent a co-worker to get the license number on the car he was driving. The car, which Mahner had parked in a fire lane, was reported stolen the day Mahner got out of jail. He was arrested as he tried to get back in the car. "


Shopping for Dictators

If you need artillery, ammunition or something like that visit the Home Despot web site.


Top 10 Signs You Might be a Sys Admin...

10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea that it refers to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house to render obscene pictures of upper management staff.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. You have a vanity plate on your car that is a Unix system command.
2. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"

And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."


Hollywood Stars Get Out of Jury Duty! [Our Justice System Needs a Fixin']

Rant Alert!
A recent story stated that two of the potential jurors for the Robert Blake trial were comedian Harry Shearer and actress Christina Applegate. Shearer was able to get out of jury duty because he was under contract to do voices for the Simpsons. Applegate is now looking to use a similar excuse.

Pardon me - but I work under contract with my clients too! Why the hell should these bast@rds get off!? I know that my excuse would not fly. I may not have the most important job in the world, but really, doing voices for a F-ing cartoon is too important to help with the justice system in America!! Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Simpsons and Shearer, and no one wants to be selected for a jury on a trial that is expected to go 6 months. But the fact that this was even allowed as an excuse really shows where the priorities are in this country.

[More ranting on the justice system to follow in future installments...I'll bet you just can't wait]

Naked karaoke put on hold in Berlin

I'll bet this Karaoke contest would have been a hit if the owner moved it to Sweden. Maybe we will see a new version of Americal Idol this season?! It would give Simon something to stare at while he is thinking of insults...unless it's a woman of course.

Naked Justice

Women inmates in Ecuador stripped naked and went onto the roof to protest that they have been held too long without trial. Protester Martha Sanchez said the group had decided to stage the demonstration "so that the authorities see to what point we will go."

So let me see -- If they don't give them a trial soon, they will strip naked and go up on the roof until reporters show up again and put them on TV. I wouldn't expect these ladies to be going anywhere soon :-))

Don't Try This at Home

Unless you are a total moron (like this guy).
Did you know that aluminum is an even better conductor of electricity than copper wire? This guy will learn that in about 2 seconds....

Stupid Fugitive Tricks

Maybe another reason why men don't ask for directions... Either way it's funny to see how dumb some people can be...


Stupid Bail Tricks

Here is a story about a guy who tries to post bail with counterfeit money. Say it with me now...DUH!


Don't be Lazy - Go to Where the Food is...

I have been on travel and was too tired to drive anywhere to eat, so I just went to the restaurant next door to the hotel: Bob Evans. Has anyone ever eaten at this place? It is a chain supposedly. It is kind of like a watered-down Friendly's or something. Anyway, it was probably the worst dinner I've ever eaten...at least since college. The waitresses were all frowning, and there were quite a few strange looking folks in there! Oh, and they used Thousand Island dressing as Alfredo sauce! (I'm not kidding.) Anyway - consider yourself warned.


Good New Year's Party Tips (a little late)

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you.

IT vs Business Mgt ("joke")

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must work in business management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."