Middle Aged Guy asks: "How do I know if a girl is too young for me?"
Woman Replies: "If she is wearing 'Loves Pink' clothes she is too young.
4/14/2015
4/10/2015
Please Enter Your Account Number
Today's Pet Peeve:
You call customer service and suffer through several levels of menu selections and then they ask you to enter your account number to make sure you are really a customer. So you obey like a good consumer and enter the 16, 20, or 50 digit account number and then a pound sign (or as the kids call it now, hashtag.)
Then they put you on hold for anywhere from 1 minute to 27 holes of golf long.
Then you finally get the customer service representative and they ask your name and then they want your account number - again! I tell them I just punched it into the phone, get it from the computer.
"Sorry, sir they dont pass that info onto us, can you tell me your account number?"
With all the technology they have, they can't display the account number I just entered into system to the rep? Of course, they can! But not one of them do.
So now, since I have to enter it twice and wait on hold for a long time, I tell them my account number 1 digit at a time, really.....really....slowly.
Bad Timing
So a few weeks ago it was still dead of winter and there was an arctic blast or two and it was ungodly cold for a long time. During the beginning of this unusually cold winter, I lost my scarf, just when I needed it most. So - no big deal, right? I'll just go to the store and buy another one for a few dollars.
WRONG!
Stores no longer carried winter clothes. It was February and they were well into spring season. If I wanted some shorts, or flip flops, or T-shirts with stupid sayings on them - they were fully stocked.
Scarves, gloves, hats...not so much.
I checked 4 stores and eventually found one that had one brand of scarf left in the remainder area; it was $30. Serioulsy Kohl's? Thirty dollars for 24" of acrylic? No thanks.
So I was cold for the rest of the winter. Thank God it is now spring.
I believe we should all petition our congressman/woman to make it illegal to not sell clothing appropriate for the current climate - especially if you are a clothing store...
And while we're at it, I think McDonalds should sell breakfast at anytime...I mean who are they to tell me when I can get up and eat breakfast?
WRONG!
Stores no longer carried winter clothes. It was February and they were well into spring season. If I wanted some shorts, or flip flops, or T-shirts with stupid sayings on them - they were fully stocked.
Scarves, gloves, hats...not so much.
I checked 4 stores and eventually found one that had one brand of scarf left in the remainder area; it was $30. Serioulsy Kohl's? Thirty dollars for 24" of acrylic? No thanks.
So I was cold for the rest of the winter. Thank God it is now spring.
I believe we should all petition our congressman/woman to make it illegal to not sell clothing appropriate for the current climate - especially if you are a clothing store...
And while we're at it, I think McDonalds should sell breakfast at anytime...I mean who are they to tell me when I can get up and eat breakfast?
4/09/2015
USB
Even though it is a 50/50 chance, I have never once inserted a USB device into a PC the correct way the first time!
USB = u suck balls
4/08/2015
Things You Should Not See in a Second Hand Shop
If you do see these used items for sale, even in a garage sale, take a pic and attach it here.
- Chap Stick
- Toilet Paper
- Toothbrush
- Dr Scholls Foot pads
- Jock Strap (with stains)
- Half-size Lollipop
- Tootsie Roll with teeth marks
- Marshmallow Peep without a head
- G-string anything
- Tongue stem
- Catheter
- Vibrator
- Enema bag
- Mouthguard
- Contact lenses
- Dentures
- Ear buds
4/01/2015
10 Things I Can Count On
Forget about death and taxes...here are a few things that I can always count on...
- There will be nothing on TV
- The low battery alarm in the smoke detector will always start in the middle of the night
- The new AC/DC album will be awesome
- No matter how positive of a statement you make on social media, someone will find fault with it
- Fruitcake never expires
- The escape button on my PC doesn't take me anywhere
- Stephen King will write another 5,000 pages (that's 40,000 on the kindle) and I will have to read them
- A celebrity and an athelete will do something stupid in the same week
- What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas
- A numbered list never ends on '9'.
3/31/2015
Great Ideas - Numero Uno
Okay, every once in a while I get a few great ideas while driving, showering, waiting in line and performing ablutions and bodily functions. So when the moment strikes I feel I should share them with the world to do with as they wish.
And when I say great ideas, I generally define great to mean "astonishingly stupid" -- as in Great Scott!, or "totally incoherent" -- as in Great Grandfather.
This all came about when I was reading a book by James Altucher (@jaltucher) recently that said as part of a daily regimen to enhance your mental abilities (and ultimately improve your life), one of the things that you should do is come up with 10 ideas daily. They don't even have to be good - which was a great relief to me, and the inspiration for this post. So I try to do this most days, but sometimes I have the ideas when I am not near my idea pad, and so I share them via email post to this blog.
So why don't I take these great ideas I have for myself and execute upon them and turn them into viable products and services and make a lot of money? Why don't I do it to give back to humanity and make the world a better place?
I can respond in one simple word: I'm Lazy.
Anyway, feel free to use any of these ideas on my blog to further yourself and your family. You do not need to pay me back unless you are a female porn star, or Salma Hayek. If you are a dude, a nice case of Heineken would be nice at least, you cheap bastard!
So without further fanfare, here is this week's installment of "great" ideas:
(1) FlipSox (tm)
While standing in line at the pizza parlor waiting for my order, I saw not one, but two women come into the shop wearing flip flops...with socks. It is winter here in NJ, but not to be denied from wearing the laziest shoe apparel on the planet just because it is 30 degrees, these women wore socks. Surely, since there are 2 of them this must be a trend. The problem is that they jammed their socks into that little rubber stem in the flip flop and it was bending the stem and crinkling the sock between their toes.
So I thought someone should create a sock with a pre-sewn indentation between the big toe and the rest of the sock - kind of like mittens for feet. This way, your foot will slide easily into the flip flop and you can wear socks. I just can't decide if they should be white, black, or argyle.
(2) Leaning Tower of Pizza
Alright, this needs a better name, but it is a great idea. After leaving the aforementioned pizza parlor, I had 2 boxes of pizza placed onto the passenger seat in my car. I have bucket seats. The pizza always sits on an angle and the cheese slides toward the one side. So I proceed to jam my empty water bottle underneath, or crumpled Big Mac wrappers or anything to try and level it out. Then I have to hold it with one hand, text with the other, and somehow find a way to drive home with a remaining appendage. I thought it would be great to just have a device that sits on the bucket seat and keeps the pizza level and in place.
My vision is a beanbag type bottom, with a flat plastic top piece with rubber matting on top and a small lip at the end to hold the pizza boxes in place. You can easily adjust it by just pushing gently to redistribute the beans in the bag until it was level - and of course there would be a built in yellow bubble float level thingy - so you can tell.
No more fighting over who gets the piece with all the cheese when you get home.
You're welcome.
And when I say great ideas, I generally define great to mean "astonishingly stupid" -- as in Great Scott!, or "totally incoherent" -- as in Great Grandfather.
This all came about when I was reading a book by James Altucher (@jaltucher) recently that said as part of a daily regimen to enhance your mental abilities (and ultimately improve your life), one of the things that you should do is come up with 10 ideas daily. They don't even have to be good - which was a great relief to me, and the inspiration for this post. So I try to do this most days, but sometimes I have the ideas when I am not near my idea pad, and so I share them via email post to this blog.
So why don't I take these great ideas I have for myself and execute upon them and turn them into viable products and services and make a lot of money? Why don't I do it to give back to humanity and make the world a better place?
I can respond in one simple word: I'm Lazy.
Anyway, feel free to use any of these ideas on my blog to further yourself and your family. You do not need to pay me back unless you are a female porn star, or Salma Hayek. If you are a dude, a nice case of Heineken would be nice at least, you cheap bastard!
So without further fanfare, here is this week's installment of "great" ideas:
(1) FlipSox (tm)
While standing in line at the pizza parlor waiting for my order, I saw not one, but two women come into the shop wearing flip flops...with socks. It is winter here in NJ, but not to be denied from wearing the laziest shoe apparel on the planet just because it is 30 degrees, these women wore socks. Surely, since there are 2 of them this must be a trend. The problem is that they jammed their socks into that little rubber stem in the flip flop and it was bending the stem and crinkling the sock between their toes.
So I thought someone should create a sock with a pre-sewn indentation between the big toe and the rest of the sock - kind of like mittens for feet. This way, your foot will slide easily into the flip flop and you can wear socks. I just can't decide if they should be white, black, or argyle.
(2) Leaning Tower of Pizza
Alright, this needs a better name, but it is a great idea. After leaving the aforementioned pizza parlor, I had 2 boxes of pizza placed onto the passenger seat in my car. I have bucket seats. The pizza always sits on an angle and the cheese slides toward the one side. So I proceed to jam my empty water bottle underneath, or crumpled Big Mac wrappers or anything to try and level it out. Then I have to hold it with one hand, text with the other, and somehow find a way to drive home with a remaining appendage. I thought it would be great to just have a device that sits on the bucket seat and keeps the pizza level and in place.
My vision is a beanbag type bottom, with a flat plastic top piece with rubber matting on top and a small lip at the end to hold the pizza boxes in place. You can easily adjust it by just pushing gently to redistribute the beans in the bag until it was level - and of course there would be a built in yellow bubble float level thingy - so you can tell.
No more fighting over who gets the piece with all the cheese when you get home.
You're welcome.
1/13/2015
How I Beat Depression...The Natural Way
I have suffered from a mild level of depression for as long as I can remember - at least as long ago as college. Sometimes it would get quite debilitating; not enough to keep me from getting up in the morning or going to work, but I went through life in a haze and did not interact with many people. I never sought out help because I just assumed it was my personality and it was 'the way I was.'
Another reason is I knew they would just give me drugs...and I HATE taking drugs, especially if it is for more than a week or two, i.e. SSRIs. I knew several people who were taking one type or another of anti-depressants and they couldn't stand them. The interesting thing was, only 1 out of about a dozen I talked to said they believe they were helpful.
I decided after decades of feeling like this I would try some natural remedies and do any actions that would improve my mood. I used Google to come up with this list below.
Here is what I did over several weeks (maybe months) to get to a better place mentally and emotionally. I can tell you that I need all of them because if I let one lapse I notice it, first in my stress level, then in my mood.
1) Stop listening to/reading the news
The news is all bullshit anyway. The networks/media decide what is "important" and they tell it to you the way they believe will be the most entertaining - not informative - to you. This generally means getting you riled up and emotional so you keep coming back for more. The end result is not to inform you, but to hook you like crack. If you MUST watch the news, at least watch a legitimate news program like the BBC. However, by going cold turkey on international and national news I am less paranoid, stressed, and much less depressed since I am not seeing on a daily basis how shitty of a place the world is - which it is not, but the news doesn't want to let the secret out.
If something important does come up I generally will still hear about it either on social media or possibly from a quick glimpse at the silent TVs in the gym while I am working out, and then I can decide if I want to look into it a bit more on the internet. This mostly happens for catastrophic events, or big weather that might impact my area. I get my local and state news from Twitter and that seems to work well since I think I am even more informed about things that will impact my life (local events, tax issues, road and traffic, etc.).
Overall, if I had to pick one item on this list to help get over depression it is this one. Get off the Media News teet.
2) Take 2000 IU of Vitamin D3
Okay, some of you are thinking that vitamins are bogus and they don't really matter. I am not a big supplement and vitamin taker, but I can tell you that after 2-3 weeks of taking Vitamin D, I feel a LOT better. It does not just elevate your mood, but it helps with a lot of other health-related issues. Just Google 'benefits of vitamin d' and you can read about it. I take 2000IU even in the summer when I am out in the sun. I had my blood tested for vitamin D levels and I was at about 80. Anything under 100 should be fine [disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor play one on tv - please consult a medical professional if you have questions]. If you start to taste metal in your mouth you went too far and you need to stop for a week or so. Anyway, if I only had to take one vitamin, this would be it.
For the record, I take a B-complex a few times a week as well and I believe that this helps as well, but more so for stress than with the depression. The D3 appears to enhance my mood as well.
3) Get 8 Hours of Sleep
I know, I know - it is hard to do, after all there are all those marathon Netflix binges you have to get to, and the video games, or the stack of books, or the partying on weekends, or trying to get to the gym. Overworking yourself and getting only 4-6 hours of sleep will eventually catch up with you, especially one you get a bit older, and this will effect your ability to pull yourself out of a funk - and I believe it is even the cause for some of my mild depression; I think I was just tired. I never get less than 7 hours of sleep now, and I try for 8 if possible. I am not the type of person who has trouble falling asleep, but if you are, you should definitely find some remedies for that...again, Google is your friend.
4) Be More Social
I have joined several meetup groups and reached out to some friends I don't see as much as I would like, and generally try to accept more offers to hang out. Getting out of the house, and breaking the daily routine really helps. I am introverted by nature so I am not interested in partying every night or even having a conversation many nights, but staying at home all the time makes you feel that there is little excitement in life. You need to push yourself to get out and try new things. Try wall climbing, a comedy show, hiking, or even something simple like try a new grocery store and see what you can find.
That's it. If you implement these 4 things above for 1 month, notice the difference in your mood, attitude, and life outlook.
PS - I am trying to add a 5th --> Drink More Water, and possibly a 6th --> Meditation
That is a post for another time.
Ciao.
Another reason is I knew they would just give me drugs...and I HATE taking drugs, especially if it is for more than a week or two, i.e. SSRIs. I knew several people who were taking one type or another of anti-depressants and they couldn't stand them. The interesting thing was, only 1 out of about a dozen I talked to said they believe they were helpful.
I decided after decades of feeling like this I would try some natural remedies and do any actions that would improve my mood. I used Google to come up with this list below.
Here is what I did over several weeks (maybe months) to get to a better place mentally and emotionally. I can tell you that I need all of them because if I let one lapse I notice it, first in my stress level, then in my mood.
1) Stop listening to/reading the news
The news is all bullshit anyway. The networks/media decide what is "important" and they tell it to you the way they believe will be the most entertaining - not informative - to you. This generally means getting you riled up and emotional so you keep coming back for more. The end result is not to inform you, but to hook you like crack. If you MUST watch the news, at least watch a legitimate news program like the BBC. However, by going cold turkey on international and national news I am less paranoid, stressed, and much less depressed since I am not seeing on a daily basis how shitty of a place the world is - which it is not, but the news doesn't want to let the secret out.
If something important does come up I generally will still hear about it either on social media or possibly from a quick glimpse at the silent TVs in the gym while I am working out, and then I can decide if I want to look into it a bit more on the internet. This mostly happens for catastrophic events, or big weather that might impact my area. I get my local and state news from Twitter and that seems to work well since I think I am even more informed about things that will impact my life (local events, tax issues, road and traffic, etc.).
Overall, if I had to pick one item on this list to help get over depression it is this one. Get off the Media News teet.
2) Take 2000 IU of Vitamin D3
Okay, some of you are thinking that vitamins are bogus and they don't really matter. I am not a big supplement and vitamin taker, but I can tell you that after 2-3 weeks of taking Vitamin D, I feel a LOT better. It does not just elevate your mood, but it helps with a lot of other health-related issues. Just Google 'benefits of vitamin d' and you can read about it. I take 2000IU even in the summer when I am out in the sun. I had my blood tested for vitamin D levels and I was at about 80. Anything under 100 should be fine [disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor play one on tv - please consult a medical professional if you have questions]. If you start to taste metal in your mouth you went too far and you need to stop for a week or so. Anyway, if I only had to take one vitamin, this would be it.
For the record, I take a B-complex a few times a week as well and I believe that this helps as well, but more so for stress than with the depression. The D3 appears to enhance my mood as well.
3) Get 8 Hours of Sleep
I know, I know - it is hard to do, after all there are all those marathon Netflix binges you have to get to, and the video games, or the stack of books, or the partying on weekends, or trying to get to the gym. Overworking yourself and getting only 4-6 hours of sleep will eventually catch up with you, especially one you get a bit older, and this will effect your ability to pull yourself out of a funk - and I believe it is even the cause for some of my mild depression; I think I was just tired. I never get less than 7 hours of sleep now, and I try for 8 if possible. I am not the type of person who has trouble falling asleep, but if you are, you should definitely find some remedies for that...again, Google is your friend.
4) Be More Social
I have joined several meetup groups and reached out to some friends I don't see as much as I would like, and generally try to accept more offers to hang out. Getting out of the house, and breaking the daily routine really helps. I am introverted by nature so I am not interested in partying every night or even having a conversation many nights, but staying at home all the time makes you feel that there is little excitement in life. You need to push yourself to get out and try new things. Try wall climbing, a comedy show, hiking, or even something simple like try a new grocery store and see what you can find.
That's it. If you implement these 4 things above for 1 month, notice the difference in your mood, attitude, and life outlook.
PS - I am trying to add a 5th --> Drink More Water, and possibly a 6th --> Meditation
That is a post for another time.
Ciao.
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