"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons
"It's Cheaper to be in denial, than in therapy."
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
"I recently lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."
- Daniel Lybra
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'"
- George Carlin