eBay No Longer for the Little Guy

I remember the good old days of eBay: find some crap in your closet, or even something mundane but in good shape, list it on eBay and score a reasonable amount of cash. Both parties were generally happy in this arrangement.

I remember selling an old Commodore-64 software program to some lady in Japan for $30 (more than I originally paid). I could even sell a bunch of my old paperbacks that were in good shape and get enough money to make it worthwhile.

Well, things have changed... Now, I am a member of a wholesale club (a real one, no middle men), and I see vendors online selling stuff for less than wholesale. Any company worth it's salt is selling product on eBay directly; either their excess, or as an alternative distribution method.

I admit as a buyer it is great: you can find anything, and get it at a decent price if you are patient. But if you are a seller, you cannot compete! Buyers now have a garage sale mentality ("I'll give you fifty cents for that diamond ring?") - which is why most people hated having garage sales.

eBay is now a garage sale with shipping! Here are the only things I think that make any worthwhile money on eBay:

(1) Something unique that people can't get elsewhere (e.g., artwork, toast with picture of Virgin Mary)

(2) Collectibles (in perfect condition)

(3) Something in very high demand

So I, for one, don't expect to sell anything more on ebay unless it meets the above criteria, which is a shame, since now I'm going to throw out stuff that someone, somewhere could probably use - but it's just not worth my time and effort to post it, package and ship it, pay all the fees (ebay, Paypal, etc) and make fifty cents.

eBay is dead to me! Unless I have to buy something of course :-)

I Want to Be Like Bode Miller

So take a guy who is real good at what he does, get a bunch of companies willing to pay him big bucks in endorsement money in anticipation of scoring big in a major televised event (i.e., the Olympics), and then let's see what happens:

How did Bode do:
=> Downhill:5th
=> Combined:DSQ
=> Super-G: DNF
=> G. Slalom: 6th
=> Slalom: DNF
I guess he's not as good as he thought he was...

So maybe I can get my company to pay me in advance and then:
* Don't take any of it seriously
* Get plastered before a big "event"
* Get disqualified
* Perform poorly
* Act badly enough to give the world another reason to hate the USA

** Take the Money and Run! **

It's one thing to not do well (anyone can have a bad day or week), but another to just act like you don't even care -- why even send athletes like this to the games to represent the country? I'd rather send someone who cared and placed 10th.

Death Sauce

I'm not sure what it is about (mostly guys) who put hotter and hotter sauces and peppers on their food to see who dies first. I like hot stuff, but if I can't taste the flavor of the food because my tongue is numb - then it's too much.

However, if you want a sauce that's 750 times hotter than a jalapeño pepper or 75 times hotter than Tabasco - try Jersey Death Sauce!

Just Call Me Eileen...

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - "For the second time in three months, a 16-year-old California girl who lost a leg in an accident has had her artificial limbs stolen.

Melissa Huff, an Arcadia High School student who uses a $16,000 prosthetic limb to play softball for the school team and another one, valued at $12,000, for everyday use, said both were taken from her bedroom Tuesday."

OK seriously, who would do this, and the more important question is: What they hell are you gonna do with two left artificial limbs? If I were Melissa, I would check eBay...you never know.

New Events for Olympics 2010

I got bored with the olympics after the first weekend. I like Hockey, but the rest of the events are only interesting for a short time. Wanna know the real snoozer -- Cross Country Skiing. It has all the excitement of synchronized swimming and none of the grace.

However, the Ski & Shoot (aka Bi-athlon)is pretty interesting. In fact, I think that some other events can use a pick-me-up by adding shooting to the mix. How about long-track speed skating with handguns (I'll bet those Koreans wouldn't stand a chance against an American with a handgun)...and what about curling -- you get one shot per stone to move it off the mark.

How about some audience participation? One lucky spectator from any rival country can use the rifle in the ski jump. "Pull!!"
[OK - that one might be a little sick, but you have to admit it would make the games interesting if you could do it without anyone getting too hurt]

In fact, I think they should consider this for the summer games as well. Take the discus throw for example. The shotput is a show of strength and the javelin gets the distance, the discus kinda just hangs in the middle there and isnt even as good as a frisbee. I say you let whatever country gets the best throw in the first round take shots at any discus in the second round until they miss...then the winner of that round takes over. Would definitely be much cooler to watch.

Where should we host these olympics? I know the dates have been set for the next few, but with all the guns it would have to be either Germany or the US. I vote for Detroit, D.C, Camden, or L.A.

Cheney - My Shot

I gotta jump on this bandwagon of course - it's just too funny!
Here is a bumper sticker just to remind the Dems who's boss:
and remember- Guns Don't Kill People, but Vice Presidents Give it Their Best Shot!

Airport Security Could Be Worse

I made it to the airport in record time this week. The only problem is, I stood in the security check-in line for record long as well. I barely made the plane! And I really hate the part of taking my shoes off. I have to walk on that cold floor in my socks, and then hustle to put my shoes on and tie them with my luggage piled up when I'm done.

All this because some idiot figured out a way to put a bomb in his shoe. I truly hope no one ever figures out how to make exploding underwear, or else we're all gonna look real silly in the check-in line!

Things could be worse. Then again...

Here's a Crazy Ringtone

I hear so many different songs on people's cell phones -- and I'm embarassed to say I don't recognize most of them. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it really is a phone ringing or a radio.

So I decided to top them all. My ringtone is the good old "Brrrng" of a Ma Bell rotary phone. The depressing thing is I could have sworn when my phone ran gat the airport I heard a kid say: "What's that noise?"

My Funny Valentine -- Gifts for the sick sense of humor

Baron Bob never ceases to amaze me at the diversity of original gifts he has; so here are some of my favorites for this year's Valentine day (ladies, pay attention):

* Peeing Boy Liquor Dispenser Have a little Whiz-key.

* Edible Candy G-String: Men love seeing G-strings. Men love eating candy. The combination of the two just makes perfect sense and has finally come to bear fruit of a great invention.

* Sex in Progress Lamp - This can be handy either outside your dorm room, maybe outside your house, but you might want to avoid bringing it to work.

* Gummy Hearts - anatomically correct.

* Humphrey the Humping Hound - Never Get between a Dog and his Bone!

And Finally -
* Dolly the Inflatable Love Sheep - for you guys who have no one on this VD.

How to Translate English to American

If you've ever asked a Brit for a bathroom and got a room with only a tub in it (use 'loo' or 'toilet') you know what I mean. So for anyone planning to go to England - here are some terms that are NOT what you might think when you hear them:

Poofter - An extended version of the word "poof", this is how you could refer either to a gay man or to a guy who is being a bit of a nancy boy or woofter.

Bum chum - Another name for a gay man.

Cake hole - your mouth

Pussy - A cat, as in "pussy cat". So if a Brit asks if you have seen her pussy, try to keep a straight face.

Hash - The thing you call a pound sign!

John Thomas - A man's penis. Too bad if this is really your name, just stay out of England.

Knock up - This means to wake someone up.

On the piss - If you are out on the piss, it means you are out to get drunk.

Pissed - This is a great one for misunderstanding. It means drunk, not mad!

Clever dick - This is a bit of a wise guy, not performing tricks with certain parts of the body!

Wanker - This is a derogatory term used to describe someone who is a bit of a jerk.

Blow me - It is simply an exclamation of surprise, short for "Blow me down", and is even used in polite company (so don't be shocked).

Bung - to throw; or a bribe

Potty - This isn't just the thing you sit a toddler on - if you are potty it means you are a little crazy.

Cock up - A cock up means you have made a mistake.

Diddle - To rip someone off or to con someone is to diddle them.

Fagged - Means you are too lazy or tired to do something.

Fanny - Be careful! This is the word for a woman's breasts! It is a bit rude, and you certainly don't have a fanny pack!

Blower - The blower is the telephone, before you get too excited!

Box - Just the TV

Scatty - Otherwise known as scatterbrains.

Power point - No not Microsoft; This would be an electric socket in the US.

Boffin - This is the word for a nerd.

Scrubber or Slag - This is a nasty way of referring to a loose woman.

Thick - If someone is thick it means they are stupid.

Septic - Try not to be offended, but this means an American.

Beefeater - This is the name given to the guards at the Tower of London (and gin!)

Big girl's blouse - This is a nice way of saying someone is a wimp.

Up the Duff - My personal favorite; If a woman is up the duff it means she is pregnant.

Thanks to The Best of British at Effingpot for the above help!

Eye Doctors and Aging

Here is a tip for you - Never go to an eye doctor that is a lot younger than you.

It was traumatic enough this year turning 39+1 (that's how I say it), but having to get my eyes checked was a real bummer. I have always had 20/20+ vision, so when I started having trouble seeing small print it was just one more reminder of how things were starting to "wear out."

So I went to the eye doctor. This dude must've still been in college or something. The absolute oldest he could be was 30 - but he looked even younger. After running some tests on me, he started telling me that everything looked OK, but my eyes muscle reaction time was slowing down because I'm getting older. "We're all getting older dufus!" (I said to myself.)

Then he goes into more details about the effects of age on the eyeball, etc. I guess all of this could be dealt with more easily if the guy telling it to me was a grandfatherly bespectacled gentleman who I could--at least in my mind--feel his empathy. When the doctor is young and has no glasses or contacts and says all of this with a wry smile -- well, maybe I am getting "older", but at least appeal to my vanity!

Obviously this all from too much computer time (??) as I sit here with my new Adidas frames and glasses typing at the computer. I'm sure I am in for more depressing shocks as other parts start wearing out and stop obeying commands my brain gives them (gasp!) - So when you hear someone say that "60 is the new 40" or something stupid like that, remember that you never hear anyone say "50 is the new 25." 'Cause it ain't gonna happen.