Here are some tidbits I had saved for no good reason...so like like the guy who cleans out the junk in his garage and tries to give it to his neighbors:
Try to Use at Least One of These Sayings Today--
1) As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
2) She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo.
3) As tight as a Camels ass in a Sand-storm.
4) As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
4/25/2005
True Things People Said
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield
I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown
--Bill Vaughan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield
I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown
4/14/2005
Bad Food Combos (#1)
I found a really nasty food combo today, so I'm going to warn you about it in case you're as dumb as I am and decide to try it.
Curry and Coffee.
I went to a curry restaurant and ordered the Chicken Curry (hot) and some rice. It was also quite cold that day so in addition to the glass of water I ordered some coffee. I drank half of the coffee by the time the food came. So I started eating...
After I decided it would be a shame to waste good coffee - so I finished it
It was bad....
Curry and Coffee.
I went to a curry restaurant and ordered the Chicken Curry (hot) and some rice. It was also quite cold that day so in addition to the glass of water I ordered some coffee. I drank half of the coffee by the time the food came. So I started eating...
After I decided it would be a shame to waste good coffee - so I finished it
It was bad....
4/09/2005
Historical Use of the "F" word
The "F" word - no, I'm not talking about Family here - it's the one you first thought of....people use it today so much, most of the time it is in appropriate or not needed at all. However, there have been times in the past that its use was very justified.
Let's review:
TOP FIVE TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F--- was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F---ing Indians come from?"
- General Custer
"I don't suppose it's gonna F---ing rain."
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F---ing showers...my ass!"
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F---ing hole in my head!"
-JFK
Plus a Bonus:
"Aw, c'mon, who the F--- is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton
Let's review:
TOP FIVE TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F--- was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F---ing Indians come from?"
- General Custer
"I don't suppose it's gonna F---ing rain."
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F---ing showers...my ass!"
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F---ing hole in my head!"
-JFK
Plus a Bonus:
"Aw, c'mon, who the F--- is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton
4/08/2005
How things change after marriage...
Before And After Marriage
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.
4/05/2005
Make money off of your teenager
Did your teen start driving? Do they drive as bad as you were afraid they might? worse?
Want to make a few bucks off of their poor driving to compensate for the increase in your insurance?
Try this idea out -
Get a 900 number, and then have a bumper sticker made that says: "Don't like my driving? Call 1-900-XXXXXX" and put it on the back of his/her car.
You can make $1 a minute with these 900 numbers! At that rate some of you should be able to retire in a few years!
Want to make a few bucks off of their poor driving to compensate for the increase in your insurance?
Try this idea out -
Get a 900 number, and then have a bumper sticker made that says: "Don't like my driving? Call 1-900-XXXXXX" and put it on the back of his/her car.
You can make $1 a minute with these 900 numbers! At that rate some of you should be able to retire in a few years!
3/26/2005
Some things to think about...
Albert Einstein once said, “Everyone has two choices. We’re either full of love--or full of fear.”
“You are where you are because you want to be there. If you want to be somewhere else, you’ll change.”
Definition of Insanity: "Continuing to do the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."
“You are where you are because you want to be there. If you want to be somewhere else, you’ll change.”
Definition of Insanity: "Continuing to do the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."
3/17/2005
St. Patty Jokes
Most Irish jokes seem to involve drinking, wives, and on occasion lepruchans. Here are few oldies:
Joke 1-
McCarthy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McCarthy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Joke 2-
On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Joke 1-
McCarthy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McCarthy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Joke 2-
On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
3/10/2005
Funeral Songs are All the Rage...
Some people spend a lot of time trying to figure out their wedding song, but now a poll in the UK and Europe of over 20,000 came up with the these top 6 songs that they want for their funeral.
(1) Angels - Robbie Williams
(2) My Way - Frank Sinatra
(3) Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
(4) Stairway to Heaven - Led Zepplin
(5) Requiem - Mozart
(6) Highway to Hell - AC/DC
Here is how I interpret the groups of people who selected each song:
(1) The folks younger than me (since I dont even know the song or singer)
(2) Folks older than me
(3) Wise Asses (just like me)
(4) All the burn outs from high school who are overly optimistic
(5) Traditionalists and Music Majors
(6) All the burn outs from high school who are realistic
(1) Angels - Robbie Williams
(2) My Way - Frank Sinatra
(3) Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
(4) Stairway to Heaven - Led Zepplin
(5) Requiem - Mozart
(6) Highway to Hell - AC/DC
Here is how I interpret the groups of people who selected each song:
(1) The folks younger than me (since I dont even know the song or singer)
(2) Folks older than me
(3) Wise Asses (just like me)
(4) All the burn outs from high school who are overly optimistic
(5) Traditionalists and Music Majors
(6) All the burn outs from high school who are realistic
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