You are Unique - Just Like Everybody Else

You've seen those annoying motivational posters at work, right? Well now there are Demotivators for the rest of us...because if you want to increase your success rate, you need to lower your expectations. The title of this blog entry comes from the Individuality poster. Another good one is "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us."

In Other News...

A black woman undergoing amuptation of her leg was offered a white leg for free, but would have to pay extra for a dark-colored leg. She got mad and said that when you go to Boston Market the light usually is more expensive than the dark, why was the medical systems so backwards?

Residents in the official Armpit of America (Battle Mountain, NV) had their annual armpit celebration. It was sponsored by none other than Old Spice. Lander County Commissioner Mickey Yarbaro called the three-day festival the most successful event in the town's history, with the possible exception of last year's fart lighting contest. The Commisioner also noted that they were attempting to steal the grand prize of Anus of America from a notable town in New Jersey.

Jiminy Cricket!

My Alma Mater has now made the big time by joining in on that time-honored tradition: Cricket Spitting Contests. The rules are simple: Competitors stand in a red circle, place thawed crickets inside their mouths and, within 20 seconds, spit them as far as possible without stepping outside the circle. The official Guinness world record is 30 feet, 1.2 inches.

Modern Drunkard

I'm still not sure if these folks are serious! This magazine has "interesting" and useful articles on such topics as: Best Bar Moves; Are You an Alcoholic? (they see this as a good thing); The Lost Art of the Bender; and Boozing with the Bible. There are also montly sections for News, Fiction, Poetry, and of course -- The Drunk of the Month.

Lazy Saturday

I don't feel like doing much today, even though it is nice outside. I am just sitting here drinking coffee and listening to Mozart's Requiem. If you're not familiar with it, or even don't listen to classical music much, I think you should give this a try...It is one of the most beautiful works ever written (IMHO). [You can listen to a sample here] - Later...

9 out of 10 Monobrows Agree...

This is a complete site for all you proud monobrow folks: Monobrow.com. The site comes complete with a mission statement "...we don't view having one eyebrow as a grotesque, freakish human deformity. On the contrary. We think you are special ...", Monobrow of the Week photo, games, movies, and of course links to everyone's favorite monobrow celebrities. My perosnal favorite is Bert from Sesame Street.
<sarcasm> Isn't it great how the Web has enabled us all to share information like this?! </sarcasm>

My job is to be replaced by a monkey...

Now you can order all your computing and I.T. needs from PPI (Primate Programming, Inc.). Obviously, the job many of us have is so easy that even a monkey can do it. All in all, this site is pretty funny and almost makes you want to order their service.

Sex IQ

I went to Emode and took a few tests. I don't know why - I hate tests! Anyway I took the Sex IQ test and here is what I got:
Mike, your Sex IQ is 114!
Out of 45 questions, you answered 31 correctly.
While you probably attended a Sex Ed class when you were a kid, how much do you remember? One of the first steps to a happy, healthy sex life is seeking answers to those questions that you still have about sex as an adult. Because sex is frequently discussed in hushed tones and secrecy, many people aren't really sure how their bodies work or how to articulate their sexual likes and dislikes. Emode's Sex IQ test measures how well your sexual knowledge stacks up in eight major areas.

I seriously thought I failed the test. Go figure...

How I know I spend too much time at my computer

* I accidentally entered my password on the microwave.
* I haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
* I have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach my family of 3.
* I sent an email to the guy sitting next to me at work.

I am running for Governor of California

Since there are over 200 candidates, I figured what the hell, I'll jump in too. Does it matter if I live on the other side of the US? A complete list of candidates can be found here. Note the professions of some of these candidates; my favorites include the Sumo wrestler, Marijuana Legalization Attorney, Tribal Chairman, Student, and of course Adult Film Actress.

Chow Main Street

Interstate 65 near Dayton, Ind., was closed for nearly 12 hours after a car rammed a semi truck, causing at least 15 barrels of soy sauce to fall from the truck and break open on the highway. "It just smells terrible out here," said an Indiana State Police spokeswoman. "You won't be able to eat Chinese food for a long time after being out here." (Indianapolis Star) ...Though an hour after the crash, the victims had an unquenchable desire to crash again.

Thoughts & Links

Since I'll be taking a week off from blogging (be back on 8/18) I thought I'd share a couple of thoughts and links with you:

First Thought: "Always check if there is paper before you sit down on the toilet!" (I know you know this, but every once in a while we all need a reminder, I could've used one earlier!)

Second Thought: "Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you two hundred dollars and a 'substantial tax cut' save you thirty cents?"

Final Thought: "Here's a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."

First Link: This depressing site - Who Did What By When - will tell you who accomplished what by the time they were your age. Just enter your age and press the button - voila! you then realize how unfocused your own life is...Don't think that because you are young (if you are) you won't find anything. Type in the age of '17' or even '12'! Here is an excerpt from Age 9 - "Actress Shirley Temple became a millionaire", "William J. Sidis, Jr. entered Harvard University" "Mozart began composing symphonies." There are also some strange entries, like this one for age 12: "After giving birth at age 8, Nigerian girl Mum-zi became a grandmother at 17." OK - so there are some entries you're happy are not about you!

Second Link: Here's another monumental waste of time that is deceivingly addictive -- The Fishy Game

Final Link: Everyone loves him, so get your daily joke at Rodney Dangerfield's website

World's Biggest Stomach Ache

Since I have a stomach ache today, I thought I'd look it up online. It's true - you never know what you might find. I can now purchase a replica (about 10,000 times larger) of the germ causing my problems from GIANTmicrobes. A "doll" like this reminds me of the doll that Eddie Munster used to have. Remember? I think it was a werewolf and when he squeezed it, it made a horrible wheezing/puking noise.

True Sayings

Here are a few sayings that I believe to be true in life:

1) "If you don't ask, you don't get."

2) "You keep on getting what you've been getting, if you keep on doing what you've been doing."

3) "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

Need a Career Change?

Toiletology 101: Lesson Plan for Toilet Repair Course
It's all here folks, how it works, replacing valves, toilet anatomy, emergencies, and even dealing with smells. I wonder if they can help me get one of those commercial super-flush models for my house? I could use it...

Lost + Found

Did you lose that heart-felt love letter? Your shopping list? A sock? Maybe you can find it at FOUND Magazine. Strange stuff here--mostly notes--such as To Do lists with items such as 'a) Buy Food...b) Turn self in to police'. Interesting...

Anti-Piracy and the Film Business (MPAA)

RANT ALERT! I decided to put in my 2 cents on copying movies. FYI, I have a totally different opinion about copying music and will post that rant another time. First of all I feel both sympathetic toward the movie industry, but at the same time feel like they deserve what they get...The Motion Picture Association of America and MPA have--like the RIAA--been complaining about piracy for a long time. In fact, I remember when they thought that VCRs would be the bane of the industry. Now most movies make more money when released to home video than they did in the box office. In fact, the MPAA's website states: "the industry relies upon a carefully planned sequential release of movies, first releasing feature films in cinemas, then to home video, and then to other media." Thank God for home videos, right MPAA?!
Once the industry stopped fighting the technology and instead embraced it, they found a way to make even more money. Sure, piracy still existed, and probably always will, but the key point was that the new technology MADE them more money then they would have ever had otherwise. Yet, the MPAA states: "...four out of ten movies never recoup the original investment." Is this solely the result of piracy, or of poor management, over-production, or just plain "bad movies"? I think that piracy is hardly the culprit in most cases.

However, the reason why I do feel somewhat sympathetic toward MPAA, is that in about 90% of the cases, unlike music, viewing a movie once uses most of the value of the product. That is, once you've seen the movie, you are not likely to want to pay for it again, unless it is on your list of favorites. Music you want to listen to over and over, and in fact, the more you listen the more you might like it. I recently saw a movie I thought was very good, but have enough of a backlist of movies I want to see, that I probably won't see it again unless I happen to run into it on cable. There are always exceptions of course, Disney is the biggest winner here; how many parents do you think will buy Finding Nemo in DVD? And they now sell every movie they made since the 1930's in DVD format!

Anyway, I respect their right to want to make money -BUT- to create a win-win situation, the movie industry has to address the concerns of the consumer, embrace the technology instead of fight it (i.e., don't alienate your customers like RIAA!), and the industry will be profitable for a long time to come, as long as you can manage your business effectively. Here are some key points:
* I think it would be OK to copy-protect videos as long as I can watch it as often as I like without restrictions
* The distributor/studio, etc. should automatically provide free lifetime replacements, without question, for damaged media thereby addressing concerns of consumers who want "backup" copies
* I just paid big bucks for a movie, get rid of all the advertisements for God's sake!

The Learning Disabled Channel

RANT ALERT! I used to like the Discovery Channel and TLC, but now I feel that they have left their original reason-for-existence behind, and have become part of the general "mush" that is television. They had a show that 'hit it big'...you know the one...Trading Spaces. Don't get me wrong, I even like the show, but do they EVER show anything else now!?! In years gone by, I would be able to turn on either of these channels and learn something new and interesting: how things work, ancient history, science, sociology, etc. Now, I learn how Joe's neighbor will react to him painting their den pink...give me a break. And all that you see on the other channel is Junkard Wars. Folks at TLC/Discovery please note, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing!! I think they are just trying to ride the "reality TV" wave and get higher ratings--which I assume has worked--but at what cost? I no longer watch these channels, and I miss their old incarnations. It's a shame really.

New Definition for 'Wiener Dog'

ZAGREB (Reuters) - A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman's fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday. The visibly drunk man was walking down the street and started swearing and shouting at the woman for no reason. He then shoved his penis through her fence, unaware her dog was on the other side, police said. The bitten man himself reported the incident to the police.
The 36-year-old was taken to hospital with light injuries but later sent home. He will be charged with "insulting the moral feelings of citizens" and "violation of public order."