Halloween started out as a pagan holiday surrounding the November 1st "All Soul's Day" or "All Hallows Day". Supposedly their ghosts would appear on the eve of this day (10/31) and thus came All Hallow's Eve -- or as we know it -- Halloween. The idea behind the costumes, as you may know, was to scare away the spirits, and of course the candy was to infest them with cavities so they would have a toothache and leave us alone. Of course, I could be making this all up...but I somehow remember being told all this stuff as a child.
So since I'm not big on Halloween for the following reasons [- I'm no pagan; - don't like dressing up; - don't like visiting my neighbors; - don't like my neighbors kids visiting me; - don't like answering the door every five minutes; - can't drive on the sidewalk safely with all those kids on it wandering about; - no one ever gives out the "good" candy anyway...] I offer up the following alternative actions that will serve the same purpose as the current holiday -- that is, to scare off spirits (if they exist), to line the pockets of dentists everywhere, and make all the parents gain 10 pounds. Here goes:
Scaring Off Spirits
* Everyone who is overweight must wear only speedos and/or thong-bikinis; everyone else dresses like Michael Jackson
* All networks show re-reruns of the A-Team or Dukes of Hazzard all day long
* Put up a sign on your lawn that says: "Spirits - If you come in here, you're watching the kids!"
* Alternative lawn sign: "Welcome Al Gore"
* Show videos of family vacations constantly on the big screen TV
Celebration Activities:
(1) Make a drinking game out of trick or treaters
Rules- Everytime the doorbell rings, take a drink
Everytime a kid fails to say 'trick-or-treat', take a drink and drop a rock in his bag, and take a piece of his candy
Everytime a teen comes to the door without even wearing a damn costume, finish a drink and drop the empty into his bag
Everytime someone actually has the nerve to come to the door with just a sheet over their head, take a drink, and take all their candy
When you finally run out of candy, finish all the alcohol in the house
(2) Leave lights on, inner doors open, put on TV and/or radio and leave the candy bowl in plain view, but well inside and out of reach of any kids; when the door bell rings, remain out of sight and never come to the door. If anyone actually attempts to come inside, hit them with a water balloon.
(3) Create a Puking Pumpkin and leave it on the doorstep.
I'm sure I'll come up with better stuff next year, or during the time I'm playing the trick-or-treat drinking game...